Marriage and Divorce
Transcript
Good morning. Grab your Bibles. Go to Matthew chapter 5. It'll be on page 473 if your Bible looks like this. Here's what we're doing. We're taking, we're just kind of walking through every week.
We're walking through the Sermon on the Mount. So that's Matthew chapters 5, 6, and 7. And we're walking through and just kind of taking it as we come, seeing what Jesus says, trying to understand what his point is and what we can learn from what he says. We're kind of in a section, and we've been in it for the past couple of weeks, where Jesus is, in his teaching, he's pointing out our approach to the law and our general tendency, their approach, our approach to take God's rules and then try to figure out, okay, how do I work around these? To kind of approach with, am I just doing exactly what it says, then I'm okay.
And Jesus is basically running through a hit list and intentionally picking some fights, intentionally using as examples some very tense subjects to try to point out how we like to say, am I living the right way, am I doing the right action, and disregarding what the point of it was in the first place. That our hearts matter as well as our actions. And so Jesus talks about anger. He talks about how we treat people we dislike. He talks about lust. He talks about marriage.
Like, he just kind of goes through a list of hot button issues and just presses all of them, and then he keeps moving. So thanks for doing that. And so that's kind of, that's what he's doing. He's trying to show us how we approach the law. And basically, our general tendency is, what's the rule? Where's the line?
How close can I get to the line? How much can I try to wiggle around this? Is that exactly what was said? My granddad told me this story one time when he was growing up. It was in like the 1930s, and he used to just eat butter. Now, I don't know if that's a thing you do, and I don't know if it is, if anyone's ever told you that's weird, but it is.
So like every time I've been at a fair and seen that they have fried butter, I've just thought, gross. And I guess my granddad, when he saw that, was like, dear diary, jackpot. Like, he just would eat butter. And so to the point that his mom was going somewhere, now butter, then, like he had like, they had like a mound of butter on a plate in their, I guess like whatever kept stuff cold. Ice, chest, freezer, refrigerator thing, whatever they had in the 1930s. I know that butter was different because they weren't buying like sticks.
They had like a mound on a plate. She told him before she left, it was such an issue that she's leaving. She has to tell him not to eat the butter. So she's going somewhere, and she looks at him and says, do not lay a finger on the butter. And he says, yes, ma'am. She leaves.
He opens the refrigerator. Puts his hands behind his back. He leans in and bites a large chunk out of the top of their butter. Closes the door. Walks off. Just pleased in his heart.
She gets home, sees what happened, sees that it's clearly just he bit it. And he doesn't even get in trouble. She was like, well played. I did say finger. I would have tore him up. Jesus' point as he's going through the section is that's what we do with any kind of rules we're given.
That's the natural inclination of the human heart is to say what exactly is the rule. What words exactly were used. And then try to figure out how to get what we want in and around the rules. That's our goal when it comes to rules. And so he's pushing back on that and saying, you've missed the point. Like my granddad missed the point.
The point was don't eat the butter. He missed it because he just focused on, he knew the point. But he figured out a way to get around it. And that's our goal. So whenever we come to the Bible and we say, what exactly does it say?
Jesus is going through this and saying, no, you've missed the point. That's not how this was supposed to be approached. So as we study the Bible, we try to understand what was the point he was making. What's the point in the context we're given? We don't want to just take a verse and say, here's what these words are without understanding the greater context. But as we've been studying this passage, we also believe that we can put weight on the actual words here and bear down on it.
And so what we did was the first week we talked, we said, here's the big picture. Here's what he's saying about the law. Here's what he's saying about how we fail and how we approach the law. And then we've gone back through and we're just saying, okay, what exactly is he saying and what can we learn from it? And so today we are going to spend time on the Christian sexual ethic, what the Bible teaches and how Jesus approaches human sexuality and marriage, what the overall Christian sexual ethic is. And I've got a quote here from C.S.
Lewis. He's a theologian from the 1900s. And he says this when talking about Christian sexual ethic. He calls it chastity, which is just Christianity's approach to sexuality. He says chastity is the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. There is no getting away from it.
The Christian rule is either marriage with complete faithfulness to your partner or else total abstinence. And so we would even have to amend that now because when he was speaking, there was no gay marriage. But Christians actually have to step in now and make it even more unpopular by saying we actually believe the Bible says that it's heterosexual marriage with complete faithfulness or else total abstinence. And he's right. He says this is the most unpopular thing Christians say. This is the worst virtue we have.
And he keeps going. He says now this is so difficult and so contrary to our instincts that obviously either Christianity is wrong or our sexual instinct is wrong. Or our sexual instinct as it is now has gone wrong. One or the other. And he says of course being a Christian I think the instinct has gone wrong. I want to quote another well-known theologian Scarlett Johansson.
I read this in the Huff Post this week. Scarlett Johansson is an actress. If that just threw you off you don't know who she is. She's talking about monogamy and she says that she appreciates it. She appreciates monogamy appreciates marriage but that it's so hard and so difficult not only for her but for everyone else that it's unnatural. She believes it's unnatural for us to be monogamous.
To have one person that you devote all of your romance and love to. And C.S. Lewis is noticing the same issue. This is so against how we think and feel and want to approach. It's so contrary to our nature that something has had to go wrong. Either Christianity is wrong or we're wrong.
And that's what Scarlett Johansson is pointing out. She's saying it's unnatural. Natural it's just so difficult that it cannot be what it was what it's supposed to be. This can't be what we're made for. And so here's what we're going to do is we look at what Jesus says today. We're going to look at the words he says which Jesus kind of just throws a one-two punch and keeps moving.
He says very harsh things very Just kind of brings the hammer down and then keeps going. So what we're going to do is we're going to look at what he says and then as best we can we're going to try to understand what the big picture Christian teaching is. We're going to look at a couple other passages in the Bible to help us get our our head around this approach to human sexuality. And I think today is just going to be a little hard. I think it's going to be it's going to be hard. We're going to have to keep fighting our own intuition our own instincts as we try to understand what the Bible is saying.
For many of us as we look at specifically divorce it's just going to be painful. It's just going to be a hard morning. That for some of us who come from families where divorce has played a big issue for some of us who have been divorced some of us who are maybe going through a divorce currently or some of us who are considering divorce and thinking that is our our current best option today's just going to be it's just going to be painful as we try to understand this but hopefully by the end we'll get to see why the Bible says what it says and why ultimately Jesus is better. But let's let's we've agonized over this in preparation and it's going to take us a while to kind of say what we feel like needs to be said this morning.
But let's pray pray for us pray for our hearts pray for the people around you this morning that the Lord would help us to listen. God we thank you that as painful as it is you don't leave us alone when it comes to difficult situations and difficult issues that when we've made a mess of things you step in you step in by teaching us you step in by addressing us and speaking to us but ultimately Lord you step in by taking our sin our pain our brokenness and dying on a cross for it that you step in by joining us in the midst of it so God I just ask that you'd help us to listen that you'd help us to to find words to speak to you with to pray as we wrestle through this and ultimately we ask that you'd help us to believe to believe that you are better that you are good
Even when we can't see that and we ask for your help in Jesus name Amen We said early on as we started the Sermon on the Mount that Christians are designed to look different and that this is one of the areas where Jesus just kind of talks about church being salt and light that we're supposed to stand out in culture and that sexuality and our approach to marriage is one of the areas where Christians are just going to look different you're just going to look weird you're going to stand out in how we think about this and how we approach this you're going to have people around you say are you kidding me and we're going to have to say no I'm not and here's ultimately why I think it works out even though I have some of the same difficulties
And reservations that you have but culturally we're kind of all over the place when it comes to marriage this is this is I don't know if y'all have noticed this if you're watching any movie that has to do with like romance and relationships if the main characters start off not married the movie ends with magical they got together they're going to get married wedding stuff how many cartoons are like it's a wedding and they just ride off like I was I've got a little kid now and I'm watching more Disney cartoons and my wife likes them
So we watch Cinderella and I'm pretty sure this is the one where they like no Snow White they meet in the woods and just sing to each other it's really weird and then then they get married and then at Cinderella they meet at a dance dance with each other and then her foot fits in the shoe boom they get married they ride off in a carriage and then it says the curtains close and it says I lived happily ever after and I'm like do you know how awkward
That carriage ride is? these cats haven't even talked to each other like he doesn't even know she's got the most annoying laugh in the world like this is going to be so difficult for them but that's how movies work so like Hitch or whatever the end credits is like a wedding and they're like dancing around or whatever and that's it we've reached it magic happy land but if the movie starts off with the couple married the marriage is the problem like if it's a relationship romance movie and it starts out like
There's conflict and there's drama and there's tension and there should be because that's what makes a good movie conflict and drama and tension if you watch a movie that doesn't have tension it's a bad movie but those are our two competing messages that we get marriage is the route to happiness and to fulfillment romance is how you know who you are sexuality is who you are and it's the route to becoming a complete person and because we believe so much that romance
And sexuality are the route to happiness we treat a lot of marriages like marriage is the problem marriage is actually what's hindering me from being full from being fulfilled from being complete and so it's Jesus is speaking into that when we listen today that's how we have to hear and here's the thing as Christians we're going to look crazy I saw this stat recently I thought it was very interesting the National Center for Biotechnical Information did a study and their website is a.gov website
I'm not quite sure where they fall in our government structure but they do testing on stuff they did a study and they just got a bunch of TV shows and they coded them and 82% of them had sexual content some form of relationship marriage sex some 82% of the shows they got they said that American youth and I couldn't figure out how they were defining that American youth
See 14,000 depictions of sex a year on television 14,000 so I had seen that statistic I thought it was really interesting and I was thinking I know this has to affect how we think about it like this amount of exposure to sex and sexuality and marriage and like the messages we're being told like I know that's got to affect how we're thinking about it and then I read this in a book called Switch
Talking about it's kind of a psychology book sociology book about how to get people to make decisions and it said in the 1980s a Harvard professor named Jay Winston heard about designated drivers from Scandinavian countries he heard that Scandinavian countries had this concept of a designated driver where when you went out drinking one person wouldn't drink so they could drive and he knew that they were having seeing good results
That people were being safer there was less fatalities and road incidents incidents so he wanted to bring that to the US he's a Harvard professor he wanted to create out of nowhere a social norm did not exist in the US as far as he knew he's one of the only people who'd heard of it that they were doing this in other countries so he decided that the best way to do it was just to expose
People to it even if it was fictional didn't actually exist in real life if it was fictional so what they did was they got 160 television shows primetime TV shows to give it 5 seconds 160 television shows to give the concept 5 seconds they got The Cosby Show Mr. Belvedere Cheers Who's the Boss LA Law if you recognize some of those shows you just dated yourself they started in 1989
1988 By 1991 3 years later they got 160 shows to give it 5 seconds 3 years later 9 out of 10 Americans had heard about designated drivers 37% of all Americans including infants had actually been a designated driver now the infants weren't but they included all of them in their study 54% of frequent drinkers had been driven home by one they made it up and just stuck it in cheers did it 160 times
In 3 years everybody knew about it 40% Americans had actually been one youth including us with our adult we get to watch all the shows we want a mature show I can watch whatever I want my mom ain't telling me what to watch youth see 14,000 depictions of sex a year how much are we seeing and if you are going to tell me that does not affect how we think about it I'm going to be very inclined
To disagree with you if you're going to tell me that the amount that we see depictions of relationships how to communicate to each other how we ought to think about marriage how we ought to think about love how we ought to think about lust how we ought to think about sex we're going to see thousands of these hundreds a week if 160 depictions of a designated driver can change an entire nation in 3 years how many years
Have you been watching TV it's absolutely having an effect on us and Christians are going to look crazy if we stick to what the Bible says so let's read let's read what Jesus says it's going to be difficult to read and let's begin to walk through how we're supposed to understand this and think about it pick up in verse 27 you have heard that it was said you shall not
Commit adultery so Jesus again is kind of saying this is what the law is this is what the rule is but I'm trying to explain to you what the intent was and the fact that your heart matters not just your actions but I say to you verse 28 that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart if your right eye
Causes you to sin tear it out and throw it away for it is better that you lose one of your members than your whole body be thrown into hell and if your right hand causes you to sin cut it off and throw it away it's better for you that you lose one of your members than your whole body go into hell it was also said whoever divorces his wife let him give her a certificate of divorce
But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife except for on the ground of sexual immorality makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery Jesus uses harsh language to talk about very sensitive subjects and ties it to the concept of absolute eternal weight when he says that this needs
To happen otherwise hell hangs in the balance and in a culture where romance and relationships and sexuality and marriage is held up as the way to find fulfillment and the way to define yourself this is just hard to take in a second we're going to walk through and kind of just say here's what he says here here's what
He says here here's what he says here before we do that I want to take one quick zoomed out view at the bible's approach to marriage to help us understand why Jesus says this as harshly as he does God designed male and female brought them
Together in Genesis it was the first wedding he kind of presided over it the goal was that there would be monogamy one man one woman together devoted to each other as husband and wife they would leave their parents they would cleave to one another they would
Be one flesh God intentionally in the beginning of the bible took a naked man a naked woman brought them together and said y'all gonna go be one flesh and that's the first
Marriage so he tied marriage with sexuality sin enters the picture and it gets really messed up and if you want to read a lot of graphic depictions of terrible sexual Acts you need to look
No further than the old testament where it doesn't mince words and talks about a whole lot of sexual deviance that happens it is kind of weird when you're reading the bible and you feel like this is inappropriate
That's an odd experience to have when you're reading the bible but that's what happens in Ephesians 5 paul says and we're gonna look a little bit more at it later but paul says that the secret to marriage the mystery about it is that
It was originally intended to point us to the gospel that when God presided over the first marriage he meant for it to point us to the gospel which is Jesus's love for his people Jesus's love for
The church Jesus's love for his bride that's what the church is called Jesus's bride that marriage is meant to point us there that's why christians believe that marriage is a paint by Numbers meaning that all of us should get the same
Picture that husband wife together for life is meant to be pointing us to a bigger more real to a true reality of Jesus's love for the church that's the secret behind marriage that was the point
Originally that's why christians are very rigid about what we believe about marriage and sexuality because we believe sexuality sex and romance were designed for marriage and that marriage was designed to paint one picture and point us to the gospel my wife and I went to johnston south carolina
Yesterday which you may not have ever heard of because it barely exists a friend of mine works kind of around the state and he called one time and said I just left the middle of absolute nowhere he said I thought kind of columbia was nowhere this is like you got to get lost in nowhere
To find this place and I was like what and he said johnston I was like that's where my wife's from that's where my high school was and you are correct it is in the middle of absolute nowhere we're coming back from there last night riding down highway one and
It's kind of you know highway one just kind of weaves its way through south carolina and every once while we'd see a sign that would say gilbert and point that way or lexington columbia and point that way and they'd have these little Numbers on them that meant this is how far
You are away these are the mile markers this is how far you're gonna go we'd ride for a little while in that direction we'd see another one that said lexington columbia and the Numbers had gotten smaller they want to on them the reason
Is it's pointing to an actual place it's got to point a direction it's got to have an actual number that corresponds to something because you're going to a real place christians believe the same thing about marriage and the gospel that marriage is meant
To point towards Jesus it's meant to point towards his love for the church it's meant to point towards and so that's why we get very rigid and specific about it's got to look like this it's got to be this way all husbands should act
Like this all wives should act like this like we christianity steps in and is very concrete about it because we believe it points to one clear picture sex designed for marriage it has two major functions recreation and procreation that means
It's fun and it makes children it's the way God designed it intentionally designed to be enjoyable intentionally designed in healthy adults to make children when everything is working properly there should be children I saw something
Recently that said that the reason there was an argument for easy access abortion and contraceptives that said pregnancy is just too great a cost for something as small and simple as sex and as a christian my response to that
Is there's a reason why sex causes pregnancy like it was meant to happen inside of a marriage where there was a male and a female there to raise a child like that's how it's supposed to work it kind
Of feels like if someone argued that they needed to lower the penalty for accidentally shooting someone with a gun because the penalty of you know killing someone and having to go to jail for it is just too great a cost for something as fun as pistols and my immediate response would
Be pistols were designed to harm people and you say no no I just use it for fun and it's like yeah but that we still have to have some regulations around this there's got to be some rules because that's what it was made for it feels the same
It feels like that's the argument it's like no it was designed for a purpose now I think immediately especially if you haven't been around the church much hadn't read your bible when someone walks up here opens a bible says hi I'm a pastor let's talk about sex there's this immediate like oh here we go women cover yourselves up hide
Sex is dirty wrong and bad save it for your spouse there's some sort of we just got liberated we just got free we just got to use our sexuality to give us power and now immediately it's like no get it out of here it's terrible it's gonna ruin society bible treats sex the way
It does because it believes it has greater value than you do it believes it's more powerful than you think it is there's a reason why you don't have to get a license to drive a moped if you hit someone on a moped you get hurt your moped
Isn't hurting anything like you run into my truck with your moped I'm hopping out hopping back in that's it like that's how it works like there's a reason why you have to get a license for a car and the reason why you have to get a bigger more intense license for an 18 wheeler
Because they're powerful they have more capability there's more to them there's a reason why the bible steps in and draws real clear distinct lines around sexuality and marriage because God designed it to be potent to be powerful it's because it's lifted up as it matters when Christianity
Says that you should dress modestly it's not because we have a low view of your sexuality it's because we have a high view of it I believe it belongs to you and to your spouse and you should like that's why like if you came to me and said oh you're so ashamed of your money with your safety deposit box I'm not ashamed
Of it I like it I don't want you to have it oh you got a safe you're ashamed of your money it doesn't make any sense and that's that's the same way Christianity treats it that it matters it's valuable so as we read through this I want you to just as as much as you can let's try to
Listen and see what Jesus is saying we're going to move to another passage in a minute to try to help us understand it more because they also disagreed with it both the Pharisees and his disciples there has to be greater clarification and we get
That later in Matthew so verse 27 you've heard that you should not commit adultery I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart Jesus ties lust which is a sexual
Desire that's carried out visually as adultery I do not think so adultery specifically means you've kind of cheated on your spouse you've broken that relationship with your spouse that's what the word adultery means he's
Saying that lust is the same thing going on in your heart he's pointing out that you've got to stop sin while it's in your head before it gets to your heart before
It makes it into action he's saying it's the same issue I don't think he means to say that if you lust outside of being married so a non-married person lusting free and clear I don't
Think when he uses the word adultery he meant to say that lusting outside of marriage is fine I think it's possible he actually means all lust is actually an offense against your spouse whether you have one right now or not
Because all sexual desire was meant for a spouse and nowhere else that's the rightful place for it then he says if your right eye causes you to sin tear it out throw it away it's better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell if your right hand causes you to sin cut it off throw it away it's better for you
To lose one of your members than your whole body go into hell we spent all our time on that last week talking about the graveness of sin the seriousness of sin and how much more serious Jesus takes it than we do it was also said whoever divorces his wife let him give a certificate of divorce he's quoting Deuteronomy 24 there and he's speaking into a situation where they said
The rule says give her a certificate and so there was consistent amount of write a certificate hand it off like you could just anytime your wife was disagreeable to you you could get a divorce and so Jesus is speaking and saying you think you're accomplishing this by following the letter of the law but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife except on the ground of sexual
Immorality and that's a different Greek word than he's used so far he means active sexual sin so that would be for them it would also include like if you married someone who had told you they were a virgin prior to getting married and then you found out they weren't because that was a grave issue in their culture it would include that it would include sexual
Sin while married with another person any kind of sexual action so adultery he's saying unless there's this going on unless they've already broken the sexual relationship you make her commit adultery whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery and so what Jesus said was there is no route from
Divorce outside of them already committing adultery outside of them already breaking the covenant through sexual sin there's no route that does not lead to greater sin greater brokenness he teaches this on a regular basis he teaches it here in Matthew 6 he teaches
It in Mark he teaches it in Luke it seems like it was something that he taught on a semi-regular basis so jump over to Matthew 19 because Jesus has taught this so much this very
Kind of aggressive controversial idea that you can't just get a divorce and be fine you can't just say well we filed the paperwork we're good that he actually has religious leaders show up to question him about
It Matthew 19 verse 1 now when Jesus had finished these sayings he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond
The Jordan and large crowds followed him and he healed them there and Pharisees those are religious leaders came up to him and tested
Him by asking is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause he answered have you not read that he who created them from
The beginning made them male and female and said therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife
And the two shall become one flesh so they are no longer two but one flesh what therefore God has joined together let not
Man separate so his response to can't we just get a divorce when we want to his response to that marriage is a sacrament meaning that
It belongs to the church it doesn't it belongs to humanity God designed it from creation and gave it to humanity that's what Jesus
Goes back and says no this is a creation ordinance it's given to humanity therefore and then he ties sex to it he says they'll become one flesh that's
Specifically talking about sex he says that they'll become one flesh and let not anybody tear that apart is never the goal of marriage to get
A divorce and so they have an issue with this they respond and they said to him what I think we want to say
Then why did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away what they just said was Deuteronomy says
Write a certificate Bible boy he says haven't you read they said you read it was a tree and that's hard to take but
His point when he responds to them was he says the hardness of your heart what he says is Moses was riding into a
Very messed up situation where this had gotten out of control and because of people's hard hearts marriages were a train wreck and because
Of people's hard hearts they weren't going to fix them and so Moses had to decide a system for how are we going to
Handle this but that was not God's intention that's Jesus' answer and that sexuality was designed for marriage so that sex outside of that
Covenantal relationship in marriage leads to sin and once you have covenanted with someone the only thing that works to break that effectively is sex with
Someone else adultery and I'm so thankful for the disciples in this passage verse 10 the disciples said to him if such is the
Case of a man with his wife it is better not to marry I have struggled immensely with this section of the Bible and
With what Jesus teaches about marriage and when I read the disciples I just say thank y'all for saying that to him I have
Struggled with what I want Jesus to say about marriage and what I think he actually does say about marriage and the disciples step
In and they say hold on a second the only way to end a marriage is a sin train wreck that's it no this
Person was bad you're okay he says no the thing that destroys marriage is sin and ultimately when there is a broken marriage if people move
On and remarry there's adultery he says that in Matthew Mark Luke that if so in what he said in Matthew 5 if your husband divorces
You and she remarries she commits adultery do you know how hard that is to take if you actually think about that what if
She had nothing to do with the divorce what if he just sent her off and he said no what happens is when they
Get remarried there's sin that's how they start their marriage now he does call it a marriage he doesn't say they're never married again
Or that one doesn't count but he I stand with the disciples some where I'm looking at what Jesus says and I go hold
A second what about this type of marriage you're telling me there's no way to get out of that outside of it being broken down by sin
There's no what about this lady whose husband is like this husband whose wife is like this like I want to bring to him
Pastoral situations that I'm aware of so here's what he responds with and I think I think it's helpful it helps win me over
I think it's refreshing I'm not completely won over by his response but Paul helps us later and we're going to Ephesians 5 to
Read what he says but here's how Jesus responds not everyone can receive this saying but only those to whom it is given I've
Heard people read that before and go oh okay good so not everyone has to stay married just the people who receive what he
Just said but Jesus keeps talking that's not what he means not everyone who receives this saying but only those to whom it is
Given for there are eunuchs who have been so from birth and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men and there
Are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven without going into too much detail about eunuchs they
Were sexually abstinent he's saying that you can be sexually abstinent for receive it Jesus backs up what the bible says which is some
People are going to receive marriage and they need to stay married some people can't receive that they're not given to marriage some people
Are going to be abstinent abstain completely from sexual activity and that's fine and if that's what you want to receive receive that so
The disciples say hold a second you mean to tell me there's no way out of my marriage and it'd be better off to
Not get married and Jesus says yeah that's fine and let me just say for single people in the room Jesus says yeah that's fine
You don't have to be married to be a complete human you don't have to have sex to be a complete human that's not
The path to fulfillment that's not the path to happiness that's what we believe as Christians he's not married he never has sex this
Seems so crazy to our culture who are so sex crazy that we made the da Vinci code which is like obviously he had to
Have a secret girlfriend nobody's that happy without a girl or some sort of love interest we have all these kind of like and
Jesus says no I'm a full complete perfect human for the next person who says this in the Bible and says it more forcefully
Is Paul he says that in first Corinthians chapter seven he like doubles down on it he says I wish all of y'all would not
Get married and then you could focus more on Jesus mission he says the guys who are worried about making their wife happy the
Wives are worried about making their husband happy he says I'm just trying to do what Jesus wants I got all the free time
In the world people are like I gotta get home my wife is cooking dinner he like I ain't gonna get home I'm working for
Jesus that's what Paul says I wish y'all could not get married but if you want to that's fine that's what Paul says not
Exactly like that I paraphrase a little bit but that was his point you can be a full complete human and never get married
But he says if you do get married the point of marriage is to stay married that's the goal that's that's Jesus' stance on
This I want to take a second before I kind of got down to I figured out as I was working through this my
Biggest argument against this and that's where I want us to end this morning but before we get there I want to take a
Second and just kind of with what we've said so far I want to sum up a few things if you are single I want
To take a second and speak to single married if you are single some of you are going to get married that's good the
Bible says marriage is good some of you are not going to be married Christianity is the first group people who came along and said
You can be a full complete human and never be married that's great it's celebrated some of you are going to get married some
Of you aren't that's fine for those of your goal as you follow Jesus is to abstain sexually until you get married that will not
Make all of your married sexual activity magical and amazing I don't I think that's been told to people in the church like if
You save yourself for sex it's going to be the most amazing thing no sex is designed for marriage it's designed to be good
Saving yourself sexually for marriage is designed because you are supposed to devote yourself to your spouse and covenant with them and say everything that belongs
To me belongs to you that's what sex is supposed to be marriage is not going to save you it is not how you level up
As a person some of you are thinking I've got problems but when I get married it'll fix me I'm lonely and sad but when I get married
It'll fix me if I can just get married then I'll know I'm cared about then I'll know I'm complete then I'll know I'm whole
That is not going to happen and if you would like to know whether I'm telling the truth ask a married person if getting
Married fixed them or made them whole and complete and utterly satisfied it doesn't work that way wasn't designed to the Bible never points
To marriage as the you're fine so if you're not married you're single in the room marriage is fine it's good don't believe it's going
To fix you it's not how you level up as a human it's not how you become a whole person it's not true if
You're not married in the room and you do not you're not going to get married you're not supposed to God has laid that
Out for you that's not how life is going to work for you you're fine you're a full complete human I do want to
Talk to the married people in regards to single people married people stop stop acting like marriage is the thing that has to happen
To your single friends stop acting like they don't count as a person until they are married stop asking them who they are dating
Stop watching them have a conversation with a friend and walking over and going stop it just stop if you have a single friend
Who is trying to date people and want you to set them up go for it if you have a single friend who has
Not asked you to do that stop marriage did not complete you did not fulfill you did not magically make you an amazing person
It did married people we have to if we believe this if the church actually believes this if we are going to stand with
Any amount of credibility and look at a person who has been divorced and say that we believe that you should not get remarried
If we stand with any amount of credibility and look at someone who struggles the same gender attraction and say that you should live
Your entire life not married if we're going to stand with any amount of credibility and look at someone who says I just don't
Think I'm supposed to get married and we're going to say we agree with the apostle Paul that that's beautiful and you should spend
Your life for Jesus mission if we're going to say that with any amount of credibility we have to open our homes on holidays we have
To open our homes on random Thursdays we've been taught that the route to life the time to have a roommate if you're a
Certain age we've over sexualized everything we've got to open our homes Anna and I struggle with this because we're both friendly kind of introvert
People we struggle at times with wanting our house to just be the place where we sit and don't think or interact with people
And we struggle with that being how we interact with each other we have to work on that but we struggle with not wanting
People but we've got to we've got to open our homes we can't just say oh that's great be alone forever we've got to have
People over for Christmas and Thanksgiving and we've got to have them over random nights of the week to help us raise our kids
And to help us love well and serve well also and this one's going to sound weird and it's weird to me and I've
Been working on it and it's still weird we're going to have to physically touch single people in non-sexual ways super weird to say all
Right got it out there this means put your arm around somebody we have acted like if you were single and you need physically
To be touched get a cat or a dog if you're single and you want someone to act like they like you get a
Dog if you want someone you have to pursue and they hide from you and act like they don't care about you get a
Cat we should be able to sit down put arm around somebody sit close to them share a couch hug somebody for longer than
Two seconds guys that's super weird for me I don't like touching people I'm working on it I got some people that I'm intentionally trying to be like
Hey good to see you and like keep my hand there like longer than I want to which was beyond the first time I
Touched them so but I believe it's important also we've got to quit stealing the word love from the Bible and making it only
Mean romance how many times have heard first Corinthians 13 read at a wedding that's the one that says love never fails love never gives
Up love never ends like I'm not quoting it perfectly but I think I actually started singing some sort of a pop song in
The middle of that but you know which one I'm talking about the word there Paul's writing to a church not a couple he's
Writing to his people writing to the church and saying this is our love for each other we've acted like if you're not in
A relationship you don't get the real full meaning of love that's not true the reason that's good to read at weddings is because
It's meant to be single people you get to live a full robust real life people who are not single who are married have deep
Meaningful friendships with people where you share intimate details about your life with single people let them do the same it makes what Jesus
Says tenable we have to follow up our actions with what we say we believe okay married couples in the room take divorce off the
Table don't bring it up in arguments don't hold it over top of each other don't think about it that's not the intent I say
This to people periodically even if your goal is just happiness on earth best shot at that is the spouse you're married to that's
The way the Bible lays it out best shot is the spouse of your youth that's the best shot you got at it divorce
Is painful and traumatic harmful every person that you're married to is a sinner and broken there's no shame in struggling there's no shame
In getting counseling we do counseling there's a recovery program we'll help if you're in our church family we'll help pay for marriage counseling we
Think it's perfectly fine at times to say we've had the same argument 1300 dimes we only know how to run this track we need
Somebody else to talk to that's fine all good marriages that last have seasons where they could have just hung it up you talk
To any marriage that's last any couple that's lasted they have seasons where they say yeah we could have just walked away this five
Years was terrible if you are married in the room and this is not your first marriage I have a couple the answer to
That is quite possibly with as strongly as Jesus says it quite possibly and the next question is so what do I do how
Does that work there's a story in John chapter 8 where they catch a lady who is in committing adultery at that moment they
Bring her to Jesus and they say we just caught her adultery what are you going to do the law says we should kill
Her and Jesus says whichever one of y'all is sinless throw the first stone the rest of us will follow you one by one the
Bible tells us starting with the oldest to the youngest so young people in the room who think you're sinless pay attention to the
Old people who put their stones down and walked away Jesus looks at her and she says am I not condemned he says they haven't condemned
You and neither do I go and sin no more there's forgiveness in Jesus and your marriage counts your marriage is real every time it's
Talked about Jesus treats it like a marriage stay married repent where you need to repent and move forward in the freedom that Jesus
Doesn't condemn you you get to move on don't make it worse fight for this marriage make this marriage good and beautiful make it
Point to the gospel you're free and forgiven there's hope if you are divorced and single your marriage was not meant to end that way and I'm sorry
Marriage is painful divorce is painful I'm going to talk about that on the ride home divorce is painful in some ways it's more painful than a death there's a lot of regret and shame and despair and guilt and I want
You to know Jesus pays for our guilt he takes our shame where there's regret he's a redeemer meaning he steps into broken messes cleans them up makes them more beautiful than they ever were where there's despair
He's our hope the bible never holds up marriage as the thing that's going to fix us it never holds up romance is the thing that's going to fix us or make us whole it always only singularly solely
And forever points to Jesus to do that there's hope for you given the circumstances of your divorce you may not be supposed to get remarried we would love to talk with you about that struggle with you over that
Wrestle through the scriptures together on that and then walk with you in life whichever way that plays out romance is not essential to our happiness and fullness and that was the biggest complaint
I had as I was reading what Jesus had to say about marriage and divorce is that I feel like when Jesus says if you get a divorce you should not get remarried or when he looks at single people and says some of you should just be single
Forever I have been indoctrinated to believe that marriage is one of the primary ways if not the primary way that romance is the primary way sexuality is the primary way to define who you are and to
Find fulfillment and happiness and the Bible never even comes close to saying that so when the Bible looks at anyone and says you shouldn't get married it does not think it just robbed you of happiness although I would have a hard time saying that
Because there's a part of me that believes I am if I have to counsel a divorcee and say I believe the Bible tells you that you should not get married again there's part of me that thinks there went happiness but Jesus never thinks
That the Bible never says that it never holds marriage up that way it never looks at romance that way it only always points to Jesus singularly and solely for our joy and hope and delight and satisfaction and fulfillment and it even
Does it in the midst of when it's talking about marriage go to Ephesians 5 as we finish up this is what wins me over this is what makes me go okay I trust you even though I don't like some of this even though I would have tried to lay it out differently in my own
Wisdom and even though I know that that time is very lacking verse 25 Paul's talking to husbands and wives he's talking beginning in 22 to wives we're going to pick up in 25 as he paints a beautiful picture of what a husband's supposed to look like and he's going to tell us why he says it
That way so page 569 if you have one of the white bibles in the rows chapter 5 verse 25 husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her so he says here's how you ought to love he's pointing to Jesus this is the picture of
Love that we have that Jesus loves the church and he gave himself up for her the church is everyone who's placed their faith in Jesus that he might sanctify her having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot
Or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy and without blemish in the same way husbands love their wives as their own bodies he who loves his wife loves himself for no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes it and cherishes it just as Christ does the church because we are
Members of his body therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh this mystery and that that word's also secret this mystery is profound and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church however even though it refers to
Christ and the church let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband Paul says the secret behind marriage the mystery behind marriage is that it ultimately points us to the really good husband it ultimately points us to the true
Husband Jesus who loves pursues and gave himself up for the church marriage is not the fulfillment completion road to happiness Jesus is marriage is only ever meant to point us to Jesus so if you're married
That's how you ought to love that's how you ought to serve if you're not married that's how Jesus loves and serves that's the way it works all of it ultimately is pointed to Jesus and his love for
The church and his love for his people only he can ever fulfill us make us whole mend our souls love us the way that a good husband ought to love English theologian J.I. Packer
Explains it this way it says through setting his love on human beings God has voluntarily bound up his own final happiness with theirs it's not for nothing that the Bible habitually speaks of God as a loving
Father and husband of his people God was happy before they were made he would have continued happy had he simply destroyed them after they had sinned but as
It is he has set his love upon particular sinners and this means that by his own free voluntary choice he will not know perfect and unmixed happiness again until he
Has brought every one of them to heaven he has in effect resolved that from now on and for all eternity his happiness shall be conditioned upon theirs a good husband a good father has their happiness
Wrapped up in their children in their spouse can't be fully and unmixed happy without the other being happy and fulfilled and complete and what
It says is that Jesus looked at the church and says I'm tying my happiness to yours when we want to respond that this is
Against our happiness and we want to use a trump card do whatever makes you happy Jesus has said I love you and therefore I've
Tied my happiness to yours and I'm also worked up some questions that we get frequently asked when we talk about this we're going
To do some Q&A here in a second I'm going to pray for us Raz is going to come up here and we're going to
Walk through a few questions but let's pray God we thank you for your word we thank you for your help we pray that
You'd help us to trust you to believe in you to follow you even in places where we don't understand where we don't know
Why things are working the way they're working or why your word says what it says pray that you'd help us to look to
The cross to know that you are for our good that you have joined yourself with us both in our despair and in your
Happiness in Jesus name we pray amen we do this from time to time where we do some Q&A we usually try to open it up
For people to send in questions this time specifically we also had some questions that we just know get asked on a regular basis
When we talk about this topic we answer a few questions and then we hope that this kind of Q&A is just the beginning
Of it we are wide open about any of this so this is Raz he's one of our pastors I'm going to read out questions we're
Going to tackle them pretty quickly give a biblical answer rather than a case by case kind of answer because there's a million hypothetical situations that
Everyone can dream up when each question comes up on the screen so let's look at the first one okay the first question is when
Is it okay to get a divorce let me start by saying that that's pretty similar to the question that the Pharisees asked the Pharisees came and said
Is it okay to get a divorce for any reason so to ask the question when is it okay to get a divorce or really to
Ask any question that presupposes that divorce is an option is going to be difficult to answer because it's kind of the wrong question if
Divorce is presupposed as an option then the Bible is going to say stay married the answer is marriage is not supposed to end in divorce and so this is one of those questions that
Is saying I'm looking for a divorce what are my options here and the Bible's immediate response is going to be marriage is good you're married you should stay married divorce
Is not an option unless it really has to be now that opens the door for when does it really have to be and that
Makes this question become actually a whole lot more serious because if it's asked in an inquisitive way then it's missing the point but if there's some
Serious sin issues going on in someone's life it really has to be a more targeted question about which how bad does the sin
Have to be how frequent is the sin can it be resolved is staying married no longer an option and I think typically we
Get our intentions in asking this question are typically off that that haven't been said the two kind of most common cited specific instances
Are the ones we read today in Matthew 5 and 19 where Jesus says except for sexual immorality which would be active sexual sin in the marriage in their
Culture would also have included sexual sin prior to the marriage because they would have said that that broke the covenant you had lied about being
Sexually pure it's a little bit different in our culture and usually people know what they're getting into when they get married sexual immorality also Paul in
1 Corinthians 7 has to address a different situation because when Jesus talks the church hadn't begun yet fully when Paul is writing two churches and saying if
You are a Christian you got married you and your spouse are married everything is fine but you became a Christian and suddenly your
Whole life view has now changed about what is okay what is not okay and your spouse says I don't want to be married
To you anymore and they just leave they're not a Christian but they just say I'm kind of done with this because I can't
Handle you being a Christian and our life being this way Paul says you're free which there is some argument over whether or not that
Means free to not chase them down or that means free to get remarried ultimately all of the situations that lead to divorce are
A mess and they're painful and we want to walk shoulder to shoulder with you through it be as helpful as possible help fight
For your marriage to last and to get past this stuff but we want to have any of those conversations we can I think
Also because the Bible doesn't say this the next follow up question is what about abuse so our response to that first of all
Is if that is you and you are in this room we want you to come talk to us Paul says this in 1
Corinthians that I think helps us with that if I can find it I I am going to read it out loud to the
Married I give this charge not I but the Lord this is verse 10 the wife should not separate from her husband but if
She does she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband and the husband should not divorce his wife I think that helps
Us out where it's like you shouldn't do this this isn't the goal but if you have to leave leave but with the goal
Being reconciliation not moving on and so to get out of an abusive situation to get out of a broken situation is actually okay
You should do that we want to help we have some full grown men that want to talk to your husband and but the
Goal should be reconciliation that your husband would repent that you can work this out or that you would stay unmarried because of how
Messed up it's gotten so what kind of like Paul lays that up let's go to the next question does being a new creation in christ mean
That a marriage that happened before you became a christian does it mean that that marriage doesn't count because you're not a new creation yeah
Sure does being a new creation in christ mean that a marriage that happened before you became a christian doesn't count okay so new creation in
Christ that's a quote from Galatians and more specifically probably second corinthians five um that's kind of taken out of context I have heard that and I've heard pastors say
That I've heard people say you know once you become a christian whatever happened in the past doesn't count I think when Jesus says bases it off of
Creation and just applies it across the board to all marriages I don't think that's actually true I think you're taking that out of context and
Applying it to something that that it's not meant to apply to what he's saying is you are made new all of your old
Sins pass away the same way that all of us are free not condemned from all of our sins we are a new creation
But that does not change some of the consequences of what's happened in our past and how we ought to move forward in faithfulness
And obedience so no I don't think so I think if that were true then we would have seen Jesus telling people once they
Become a christian they have to get remarried and there is that never ever happens if people are not it is never considered invalid
And even when he talks to the woman at the well he refers to all of her marriages as marriages all of them are
Considered treated as if they were all actual marriages does the bible ever clearly say what sexual immorality is first of all we do
We usually I only want to ever make the bible define a word when I kind of want to disagree with what I think it means
So that may not be you that is me also just when I'm going to I'm going to help show y'all what I do whenever I
See something in the bible and I really want to know what it means Raz what's that word mean in Greek he does Greek
I did that a bunch for this sermon is that a real question yeah sure okay so the Greek word that is translated into
English is sexual immorality is a word in Greek it's pornea and pornea used to be translated to fornication back when people used to say that word in English but they don't say that
Word anymore so it doesn't make sense to kind of cram into the biblical vocabulary so sexual immorality is the word that they the
Phrase that they used to translate pornea and what pornea means in Greek is any sexual act that occurs outside of a heterosexual monogamous for life
Marriage so a lot of people say what does that mean though what does that include that includes a bunch of things anything that is outside anything that is sexual and physical outside marriage is included
In that that's prostitution incest that is sex before marriage that is it covers a lot of things and I think what Chet was saying is that we want to argue with definitions that's only ever a thing when we want to get away with something when we want
To say what I'm doing doesn't count nobody hears you shouldn't murder and says yeah but let's define murder see what the Greek word said let's see what 10 different translators translated as oh they all said murder I wonder if it counts
If it was an accident I wonder if it counts if I did it to 50 people at once nobody makes arguments trying to justify things nobody questions the definition of a word until they're trying to justify something at least that's the most often time I want to maybe you're just curious
But that doesn't usually happen question they didn't have this at least not in the form that we have it does that apply to pornography that's a good question we have taught from this platform in the past that sexual immorality that pornography and
Sorry for the language masturbation falls under sexual immorality as a result of Che was saying just during the sermon that we sweated this passage a lot in the past week we kind of went Pharisee on it and tried to define terms and understand it like to the letter of the law
So that we could teach clearly on this which I think at times we were missing the point but this question came up for us today we were missing the point today no no no not today during the week sorry during the week when
We were trying to dissect this passage and find out what does it actually say we were pulling a Pharisee move and saying yeah but does it actually mean this and sure Jesus was saying stay married the question was does pornography count there are there are
Three terms that we used from the Matthew passage in Greek it doesn't matter what they were in Greek in English they are lust adultery and sexual immorality through discussions this week and research and trying to dig into the Greek text I think most likely now it
Doesn't really matter at the end of the day but most likely pornography fits more into the lust category and less into the sexual immorality category at the end of the day Jesus just said any man who looks at a woman lustfully has committed adultery in their heart and that's a big deal and we're not saying no longer an issue
You guys just go ahead and deal with like no it's still in the same category we still have sin issues when it comes to pornography and masturbation and stuff but it's probably not one of the categories that Jesus has just said you can get divorced over this it's I think it's ripped out of that category because if if somebody's struggling with
A pornography addiction we wouldn't say your next step is to get divorced that's just I think that misreads the text even if someone was struggling with sexual immorality we wouldn't say that and that's not what Jesus would say either the goal is to reconcile to repent
And to move forward okay yeah let's go to another question what if someone gets married and then they realize realizes and then realizes they made a mistake our third question answerer also I would be inclined to agree with him that
That there and this is what this is what this is what the conversation I get to have with people when they ask I'm just not sure if the person I'm married to is the one because we've pumped that idea into the world that you have a soulmate
Or whatever one true soulmate which by the way comes from Greek mythology where souls used to be have like two heads four arms four legs and the gods cut you in half and you have one true soulmate that idea does not come from scripture
It comes from some weird soul cut nonsense stuff from mythology here's our answer to that and here's the Bible's answer to that are you married to them they're the one I have good news for all you married people it's the
One you found them that's how it works stay married fight for the marriage you have you're married to the one keep it going make it work and yes in some ways you're going to realize you made a mistake
Because you're going to think I thought this was going to fix me and be magical and they're terrible and also I've learned I'm way more terrible than I thought and so yeah fight for it make it good and seek counsel where you need it
But yeah you're married to the one so go make it work that's the last question if you have more questions hang out with the community group this week talk about it as a group I think that would be a really good way to handle
I would suggest probably don't come up with hypotheticals because as soon as you come up with hypotheticals you're probably asking the wrong question also if something was unclear today from what was said because periodically things are just come over talking to me I'll be hanging out right here to make sure that that it's clear and if
You're gonna be upset I at least want to make sure you're upset for the right thing not something I should have said better all right you wanna pray for us and we'll get sure let's pray God we thank you for Jesus and the power that he has to reconcile us to you even though we're fallen even though we're sinful I pray for the
People in our church family who are dealing with some of the mess that occurs when when sin enters into a marriage and starts destroying things and I pray that they will seek you that they will seek what it is that you're calling them to and I pray that as a church family we can rally around those people and encourage them to seek Jesus in all things pray for a church family in general that we would hold marriage tightly with a
Biblical standard that we would hold sexuality tightly with a biblical standard and that we would constantly pursue you with our lives in all of it it's in Jesus name