Children and Parents
Transcript
At some point, you found out you were going to have a baby. And there was excitement and there was fear. Maybe you read some books. Maybe you just watched YouTube videos because your books aren't your thing. Maybe you just asked some people. Maybe you read mom blogs or dad blogs.
And then, as scary as it was, at some point you headed in to have this baby. And this experience, which you had been told was going to be beautiful and natural and lovely, the best word to describe it was traumatic, terrifying, seems very unnatural. You have this child and this process took anywhere from 10 to like 150 hours. You have not slept. Then they hand it to you and they say, best of luck, you'll never sleep again.
You head home, you've got this child now and it is for some reason, and mostly the reason is that God has tricked you. You love this thing. But it gives no objective lovability other than it is kind of cute when it is asleep, but not even for the first couple of weeks. They don't look right when they come out, you guys. Mostly it yells at you and is actively trying to destroy the relationship you have with your spouse because it makes you have a lot of discussions at 3 a.m., which don't seem to go well. But you love this thing and then it begins to grow.
And somewhere around, maybe it's eight months, maybe it's 18 months, you have this moment with this child when you look at it and you think, are you trying to start something with me? I think you're doing this on purpose. Like you can't even speak English, but that was malicious. Like you actually understand what I want you to do and you're actively doing the opposite of it. And welcome. It's begun.
Now you have maybe a two-year-old who's laying on the ground crying because you won't let him or her eat toothpaste or because you wouldn't let them sleep in a snow jacket. And you're sitting here going, we live in South Carolina, why do I even own a snow jacket? I could have avoided this altogether. Then at some point they go to elementary school and you think, finally, you're out of my house. We're going to get back into kind of a normal rhythm. I'm going to miss them, but also not that much.
And then all of a sudden, you've got to go to the school all the time because you're now learning what the stress is like for a child who's having behavioral issues at school or who's having issues with keeping their grades up. And so elementary school becomes more difficult than you thought it was going to be. And then you hit middle school. Maybe you've kind of gotten in a rhythm of school and this is going well. You hit middle school. And suddenly this child cares more about what their friends think than you think.
And you're finding they also care a lot about what the Internet thinks and you think that's not great. Then they hit high school and you start beginning to watch them carry out behaviors that you had. You begin to watch them make mistakes that you made. And this process is increasingly difficult. When they used to talk to you and confide in you, now they just head into their room. They seem embarrassed by you.
At some point, it's time to send them away. And if you're like my mom, you believe that God intentionally made teenagers annoying so that you wouldn't mind that they left. But you send them away to get married, to go to work, to go to school, to join the military. And there's this moment in that where this is, I'm ready for you to go. This is what we've worked towards and I don't know if I'm ready for you to go and I don't know if we've done enough work and I don't know how this is going to work out. And then as they continue to grow, you still find that you have anxiety and struggle and fear and how life's going and how them beginning to raise children is going and it just never seems to stop.
And for some of you, you don't have children. You're still in the category of child or growing out of being a child. And you have found that living with your parents and relating to them is extremely difficult. And maybe you figured it out when you were two and they wouldn't let you eat toothpaste. It was that moment when you realized their job was going to be to destroy you and your job was going to be to return the favor. We're picking up in Ephesians today in chapter six where Paul is specifically addressing children and parents.
So in this section, he's doing household code and what he's basically saying is, okay, as people who believe the gospel, as people who follow Jesus, that affects how we live our lives. And so he begins to address major relationships in our lives. How children relate to their parents, how parents relate to their children, what that looks like and how we walk that out. So I'm going to pray and then we're going to begin to read the text together. God, as all of us most likely are in a situation where we are children, we have parents that we need to relate well to, and many of us are parents or about to be parents, we just ask that you give us help as we study this, that your wisdom would sink in and that we would apply well your word this morning.
And we thank you for it in Jesus' name. Amen. It begins, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. All right, so that word children, for many of you, there may be this, okay, where do I fit? I don't have children. Am I a child?
And for a lot of you, you're saying, no, I'm not. I used to be, but I'm not anymore. So I'm going to help you out. That word in the Greek, children, refers to those who are dependent on their parents. So if you live in their house, if they're paying for your stuff, if you're driving their car on their insurance, if they're paying for your schooling, you're in gold or brown or whatever color that is.
You fit the category. And so it says, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. When we talked to husbands and wives, we specifically said, husbands, don't elbow your wife. Wife, don't side-eye your husband. Parents, that does not apply to you. You can snap and point.
You can do whatever you want. You can hit them in the leg. They have to obey you. That's the zone they're in. And so, children, this is, I don't know, many of you are going, wait a second, I'm 18, I'm 19, I'm about to be. It's like, yeah, about to be isn't.
It means dependent. It's not a derogatory term. It just means, do you still kind of belong to your parents? And the role that you have is to obey your parents. It says, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Now, I know, for many of you, this feels really difficult, because your parents seem mostly clueless.
They don't seem to understand how technology works. For some of you who are younger, and like maybe, you know, it was embarrassing that they didn't know what dabbing was, and then it was worse when they learned what it was. Like, I don't know. I don't know the zone you're in with your parents, but, but your role, your biblical role, if you are a Christian, is to obey them. It says, obey your parents in the Lord. So, I want you to see that that phrase, in the Lord, means that, that your submission to your parents is worship.
It is through them to, to the Lord, to Christ. That's who the Lord is. So that you, as a Christian, are saying, no, my role is to obey my parents, because I, I still live here, because they still pay for things, because I still kind of, I'm under their umbrella. I'm to obey them. I'm to follow their instruction. I'm to, even if I disagree.
So here's what that means. There's some freedom in that, and some restraint in that. The freedom is this. You don't have to agree with them. That's not what obedience means. The restraint is, you still have to do what they said.
But there is some freedom, and they don't have to win you over. This doesn't have to be a long conversation. You don't have to be completely sold. You can decide, I will obey you right now, but I'm not doing this forever. And it says, for this is right, and it says, in the Lord. So I do think this does specifically apply, the same way we talk to husbands and wives, that your obedience to your parents, is ultimately to Jesus, so that Jesus is above them, and if your parents are actively calling on you to sin, that you can say no, as you follow Christ.
That your goal would be, as we said to wives, to say yes to your parents, while saying no to sin. And so if your dad comes to you, and he says, hey, I've drawn up in an awesome heist, and we're going to rob a bank. You can say, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to partake in this one. But if you want to open a lemonade stand, or a hot dog truck, I'm in, I'm on board, I can't do this one. If you want to join the circus, I'm in, I'm on board, I can't do this one. It says, for this is right.
Then it says, honor your father and mother. This is the first commandment with a promise. And then he says, here's the promise, that it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land. Okay, so, children, who are dependent on their parents, obey. All children, who have, doesn't matter how old you are, honor. So you're supposed to obey while honoring, and then later, as you are an adult, who is handling, carrying your own, caring for your own family, you are out of the zone.
And some of you are kind of half and half, because it's like, well, I'm at school, and I'm paying for most of my stuff. They're paying for school, so it's this kind of, I'm in the zone where I'm transitioning from, just obey, to just honor. But this means, that it doesn't matter how old you are. You're to be respectful to your parents, you're to be kind to them, you're to answer their phone calls, you're to think about them, you're to care for them, you're to check in on them, you're to hold them with high regard. And then he says, there's a promise here. It says that you may live long, it may go well with you, and that you may live long in the land.
This is a promise that was given, in Exodus 20, this is one of the Ten Commandments, it was given to the people of Israel, and basically it was saying, this is how society ought to work, and as people honor their parents, and hold their parents in high regard, then everybody lives long, everything goes well, like this is a general principle, it's not a specific thing to where, if you honor your parents, you'll get to live to 85, and if you dishonor your parents, you make it to 20, like that's not how it works. Sometimes your parents tell you, that's how it will work. If you dishonor me again, I will end you. But that's not the specific promise, it's not to every individual, but in general, what it is saying is, honoring your parents, it's kind of a sign saying, this way to life, this way to things going well.
That in general, much of your goodness, and health, and joy in life, begins with your healthy relationship, to your parents. One of the things my dad used to say, was he would say, boy, ain't nobody who's worth anything, disrespects his mama. He said, you can join the mafia, you can go to the penitentiary, those people still love their mamas. The only people who don't love their mamas, are messed up. That's what he would say, like this is my dad's wisdom here, but his point was, that in general, this is where baseline life health comes from, is honoring, appreciating, loving, respecting, your parents.
Now, some of you are parents, and that's not what's happening with your children, and I'm sorry, that's painful. And some of you are children, who have parents, who you were looking at this, and going, and I hate this text, I hate this commandment, because my parents do not deserve honor. I was abused, I was neglected. They did anything, but be honorable. And I want to let you know, that that is extremely painful, and I am sorry. But you're free, from having to have honorable parents.
This is in line with, when Jesus says, that we ought to love our enemies. That it's about who you are, and who you belong to, rather than who they are, and how they've acted. Now, you may not be able to be around them, for safety reasons, but there's a way to still speak of them honorably, even if you're being honest about their behavior, to treat them well, to not run them through, the mud. But we're called to, honor, our parents. Then he goes on, he says, fathers, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up, in the discipline, and instruction, of the Lord.
Oh, real quick. Some of you, maybe while you're at school, because I know we've got some college students here, maybe while you're at school, you're just in the honor your parents is on. So you don't need to do things, that are openly, flagrantly disrespectful to them. And then some of you go home, during the summer, and you move back into the obey zone. So, you're 23, you're 22, you've been living on your own, and your parents say, you have to go to bed at 10 o'clock. Well, I am sorry, but as you worship Jesus, you go to bed at 10 o'clock.
And some of you have parents, who have more restrictive attitudes, and I'm sorry, you have more restrictions. And some of you have parents, who have very little restrictions, and when you show up, they're like, some of you, they looked at you and said, you're 17, you're an adult, do what you want. And I don't know how well that worked out for you, maybe you handled that fine. Some of you, when you were 17, needed parents to not say that to you. But it is based off of who your parents are, not what other parents do, not what you think parents ought to do.
It is based off of who your parents are. And so, the situation that you're in is, in Christ, obey them, and realize that there is a time limit on that. At some point, you just get to move into honoring, and you won't have a 9 o'clock bedtime, like I had my entire life. And then you'll find, that because you went to bed at 9 o'clock, for your entire life, you still impose that on yourself. And you don't make many friends in college, because you're asleep. It is what it is, you guys.
I am friends with the people who were my roommates, because they saw me during the day. Alright. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction, of the Lord. I want to point out, that it begins with fathers. Okay, so this has to do with, the understanding, the biblical understanding, that husbands are the head of the household. So, husband is head of his wife, that's what we just learned in Ephesians, and therefore is head of the household, and is responsible for the household.
This is not meant, to say anything negatively, about mothers, or to exclude mothers. It is meant to, pin fathers to the wall. So, it's not meant to be, because the truth is, the Bible upholds mothers. You'll notice earlier, it says, children obey your parents. It doesn't say, obey your fathers. And it says, honor your father and mother.
It doesn't say, honor your fathers. This parenting is upheld, motherhood is upheld in the Bible. If you'll read the Old Testament, it's like a highlight reel, of mothers being amazing. There are so many stories, where a mom is on her face, praying, and her husband, is in the vicinity. And she is actively involved, with her children. And her husband, was mentioned at the beginning, because he's the father, of that child.
There are so many stories, like that in the Bible. And so many places, where motherhood is upheld. And here's an area, where the Bible is specifically saying, hey fathers, we gotta talk for a second. So fathers, we gotta talk for a second. What this means, is that parenting, is not outsourced, to mothers. And this is easy to happen.
And here's one of the reasons, why I think this is easy to happen. When my wife and I first had a child, I knew, zero things about children. I had practiced for having a child, caring for a child, in my life, zero percent of the time. My wife, when she was a child, they gave her, fake children. And she rocked them, and fed them, and pushed them around, and I've seen home videos, where there was a, they gave her a doll, and she said, oh, open it up, I just wanna hug it. Okay, so she trained, since she was like two, for this moment. all I ever trained in, all I ever trained in, was like how to kick things, how to throw things, how to break things, how to shoot at things, none of that applied, to having a child.
I was like, if something comes at the child, I'm ready. You tend to that, I'm gonna face it this way. Like that was, like that, so what happens, a lot of times, is forefathers, as soon as the child is born, you're just like, I don't know, and the mom, seems to just, no. And I don't know, if she's faking, I don't know, if she has like, hormones, that have just kicked in, and like, I had no hormonal changes at all, when we were having the, like I was the person, who was like, are you still like Taco Bell, magically all of a sudden? But like, I always liked Taco Bell, that wasn't a new thing, my hormones weren't doing anything weird, I was the same, I still like Taco Bell, she doesn't anymore, but whatever, I'm sad, it's okay.
That have just kicked in, and like, I had no hormonal changes at all, when we were having the, like I was the person, who was like, are you still like Taco Bell, magically all of a sudden? But like, I always liked Taco Bell, that wasn't a new thing, my hormones weren't doing anything weird, I was the same, I still like Taco Bell, she doesn't anymore, but whatever, I'm sad, it's okay. I don't know, like my wife at one point, after our first child said, you know those videos, she's holding her baby, you know those videos,
Of like, a mom cat, that like adopts a duck, I think I would do that, because I think I just love, all children now, like there's just something in me, that makes me like all, like I would just adopt anything, right now, in this moment, she's past that, she likes our kids, she's not adopting ducks, but, there's like, she just knew what she was doing, and there was so much of like, I don't, I've never, I don't know what I'm doing, so I think what happens often, is husbands, fathers,
Begin to just slowly, step back, and very early on, begin the practice of, I'm deferring to you, and so that grows, into, ah, moms kind of tend to the kids, moms are in charge of parenting, what do you think's best, how do you think this ought to go, and what he's specifically saying, in Ephesians is, no dads, you're supposed to be in on that, because ultimately, the weight of the family, and the flourishing of the family, is going to be on your shoulders, and so you have to be involved, in the parenting, it's not outsourced, not to say that moms,
Aren't good, it just means that fathers, are supposed to be active, present, and leading, um, fatherhood statistics, this was, I was looking at some of this earlier, but fatherhood statistics, surpass any other factor, when it comes to negative statistics, in life, so having a father present, or not having a father present, surpasses race, surpasses wealth level, surpasses economic class, surpasses poverty, or not poverty, whether your father was there, it matters immensely, and so fathers are supposed, to be active and present,
In raising their children, so then he says, fathers, do not provoke, your children to anger, but bring them up, in the discipline and instruction, of the Lord, okay so, I think this means, one specific thing, and then like, something that grows out of that, like a big hole, so do not provoke, your children to anger, I think it's one of the specific reasons, why he says fathers don't do this, is because he's talking about, overall how to think about parenting, but I also think, this issue is specific to fathers, so, for some reason,
And I don't know why, I care deeply about my children, but I want to provoke him, he is three, and I consistently want to provoke him, I don't know, he'll ask, where's my blanket, and my wife wants to say, it's in the dryer, and I want to say, oh I carried it out in the backyard, and the falcon swooned by, and grabbed it, and flew off towards the sunset, and I could just barely hear, as he was getting away, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, I don't know why that's in me, but that is how I want to respond to him, like all the time, and so here's what happens, fathers for some reason, seem to want to torment their children,
But now you're in a big problem, have you seen those videos, the Jimmy Kimmel, I ate your candy videos, have you seen those, they're hilarious, and you're not supposed to do it, what they would do, is the videos, Jimmy Kimmel, he's on late at night, I've seen him on the internet, I'm asleep, remember, he tells parents, after Halloween, when your kids go to sleep, and they wake up, empty out all their stuff, open up the wrappers, just kind of say, hey we ate all your candy, film them, and see how it goes,
And it's really funny, because children lose their minds, or meltdown, or whatever, and it's funny, but not if it's your kid, and not if you're responsible, for raising them, to honor their parents, and to live in a healthy situation, because, if I provoke my son, which I do, instinctively, for some reason, and then he responds poorly, now I'm in a bad spot, because the truth is, my son ought to, if I tell him, I ate all of your Halloween candy, go, yes sir, like that's an appropriate,
Honoring response, I hope you enjoyed it, like it's a messed up situation, but he's supposed to, he can't throw a fit, he can't tell me, I'm a terrible person, he can't yell at me, and if he does, if he says, well I hate you, and I suddenly am now, in a weird spot, where it's like a no, under no circumstance, should he ever yell that at me, but also, I made up a circumstance, that pressured, like made it harder for him, to respond appropriately, and here's what happens, I think that what grows out of this, is a whole form of parenting,
Which is, parenting by provocation, and I think mothers and fathers do this, which is that, in order to get you to behave, the way I want you to, I stand on the back end, of your behavior, and I provoke you, I chide, I mock, in order to get you, in the right zone, I'll give you an example of this, I'm going to talk about my dad, a good bit, because I think he did some things, really well, but I want to give you an example, of parenting by provocation, this wasn't his main form of parenting, but he did do it some, he's very good at it, I got in trouble in middle school,
For talking too much in class, and they sent home a little thing, and I had to take it, and my parents had to sign it, because apparently, I think I'm funny, and that people should hear, what I have to say, so then, I told my dad, and he was like, oh, you can't, you can't be quiet in class, well I can, apparently not, says here, they told you to be quiet, but you weren't, well I, but I can, no you can't, no, you're cute,
You're chatty, you're a Kathy chatty doll, and yes, my whole life, he said it backwards, I didn't even grow up, in the era of these dolls, but they are most assuredly, chatty Kathy dolls, not Kathy chatty dolls, he said, you're a little Kathy chatty doll, said I'm not a Kathy chatty, yeah you are, say it, sir, say I'm a Kathy chatty doll, say it, and that meant, this was going to get worse, if I didn't, so I have, stared my dad straight in the face, and said,
I'm a Kathy chatty doll, and he said, handed me the slip, walked away, I didn't bring one of those home again, I don't think I got them again, now, what he did, was provoke me, to anger, he provoked me, to correct behavior, and you absolutely can do this, and this can be your main form of parenting, they, I saw a thing, where a guy took some coaches, and he was just trying to prove to them, that this is how this works, he took some coaches, who had coached basketball, and he said, I want you to pretend, that a child just made a terrible shot,
And I want you to come up with the, most hilarious, mean things that you can say to them, and he said, this practice, it was across a bunch of coaches, in a whole region, and they were great at it, they knew how to belittle 12 year olds, like nobody's business, like they had the most creative, it was, he said it was hilarious, and great, and then he said, okay, now, I want you to pretend, that a child just missed a shot, and I want you to say something encouraging, and the room was like, he said he got like one feeble, nice try, get it next time,
And his point was, it's a lot easier, to be on the other side of things, than it is to be on the front side of things, and so what Paul says here, he says, do not provoke your children to wrath, but, so in contrast to that, but, bring them up, in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, that phrase bring them up, means, nurture, it's the same, the same Greek word that was in verse 29, when it says that you love and nurture your body, so what it's saying is, don't be on the back end, just provoking, get on the front end, and have a picture for what they ought to look like, that you're bringing them along,
That you have something in mind, that they're supposed to turn into, that if you have sons, you have a picture of biblical masculinity, that you are molding them into, that if you have daughters, you have a picture of biblical femininity, that you are building them up into, that you are walking them along into, it is so easy as a parent, to parent based off of today, off of how I'm feeling, what's going on, whether or not you're annoying me, whether or not I'm okay with this behavior, it's easy to parent based off of, I just want us to have a nice dinner, so I'm going to try to appease this child, I'm going to try to do what you want, so that you'll just calm down, but the problem is, that doesn't build up, it's also easy to belittle, it's also easy to name call,
It's also easy to, and that doesn't build up, the truth is, if you belittle, or you nurture, you can get some of the same behaviors, but you're building into your child, something completely different, that you can get your child, to not talk, to not misbehave, to not by belittling, by chiding, by aggression, but you can also get it, by having a front end picture of, and my dad was great at that, he would consistently tie, current behavior, to future us, for example, you'd be scared, kind of freaking out about, having to get on a roller coaster,
And you're like, I just, I just, I just don't think I can do it, my dad would look at you, and be like, boy you better straighten up, because you're acting silly, and you need to get in control, of your emotions, he said because one day, you're going to be 40, and you're going to hear, glass shatter in your house, in the middle of the night, and it's going to be go time, because you've got two children, and a wife, that you've got to save, and you can't let your emotions, rule the day, you've got work to do, and suddenly, my father had tied,
Riding a roller coaster, to protecting my family, when I'm 40, and I'm 12, and I'm like, my kids ain't going to die, and I locked it up, and I got on a roller coaster, and I rode with him, and all I was doing, was proving, that if my house caught on fire, I wasn't going to hyperventilate, and he did that all the time, he tied work to the future, he tied who you were going to be, toughness, he tied caring for somebody, he tied everything, was not just this moment, but where we were going, that in some ways, if you think about like a trellis, and a vine,
I was a vine, and he was consistently telling me, where the trellis was headed, and it makes an extreme difference, and Paul is saying, don't just be doing provocation, but bring them up, take them somewhere, have a picture in your mind, of what you're building, and begin building it, that's for fathers, and mothers, and some of y'all need to sit down, and have a discussion, about where are we taking this child, what are they going to look like, also, in the, the weight, of the flourishing, of the family, being placed on the father, I want you to understand,
Many of us have, are young, just having children, some of us, you have older children, you're still walking through this, fathers, you have to lead here, you were designed differently, than your wife, and you are meant, to be engaged here, and you are meant, to be active here, one of the things, that I have found, and this is particular, to my wife and I, and this may not apply, across the board, but this is an example, of what I'm talking about, my wife, is in the moment,
With our child, all the time, I'm not always, in the moment, with our child, she's in the moment, one of the things, I am better suited for, is being further ahead, in where we're going, she'll consistently say, he's three, it's okay for him, to act that way, and I will respond, it certainly is, but not when he's four, and if we don't begin, working that direction, he'll be doing it, when he's four, so this amount of, there are times, where you're going,
To disagree, and the idea, of wives submitting, to husbands, plays a role here, in how things work, and how things work out, and so that your wife, absolutely understands, things you don't understand, and knows things, about your child, you don't know, and you would be a fool, to just blast into this, but you are also a fool, to back out of it, and to abdicate your role, because one day, you will stand accountable, before the Lord, in how you raised your family, and that's going to be, really tough,
It's about to get tougher, in some of the stuff, that Paul says, and let's keep moving, oh, you're bringing them up, towards a goal, we have a current, cultural climate, of let your kids, figure out who they're going to be, and that is stupid, do not let them do that, Proverbs 22, 15 says this, is it 22, 15? Yeah, folly is bound up, in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline, drives it far from them, we're going to talk about, the rod of discipline,
In a second, but I just want you to see, that folly is bound up, in the heart of your child, folly is foolishness, your child, the Lord loves them, you love them, they are a fool, go back and look, at pictures of you, from middle school, put one on your refrigerator, remind yourself, that child, did not need to make, all the big life decisions, I needed my parents, telling me stuff, that I didn't want to hear, and your job as a parent, is to parent, God gave your children, parents on purpose,
There is a reason why, in the wild, those little lizards, can run just as fast, as anything, right when they're born, and there's a reason, why your child, can't do anything, for a long time, because God intended, for you to be there, helping, guiding, leading, training, and driving folly, away from them, alright so Paul says, bring them up, in, now he's going to tell us, what we're bringing them up in, so we're bringing them up,
We're nurturing them, we have a goal, he's bringing them up in, the discipline, and the instruction, of the Lord, so we're going to take, all those phrases separately, the discipline, and instruction of the Lord, so discipline means, that in the goal, that you have set, you have boundaries, that are not crossable, that you have fences up, sometimes I feel like, that's all I'm doing, with my three year old, I'm just a fence, and he can run into me, all day long, and at some point, he'll realize,
There's a fence here, and when I was, one of the movies, that was my first movies, I saw in theater, and it really had an impact on me, was Jurassic Park, and in Jurassic Park, they're talking about, how smart the velociraptors are, and the little guy, who's talking about it goes, he says they're testing the fences, to see if there's a weak spot, and some of you feel like, we gave birth to a velociraptor, because all it is doing, is testing the fences, to see if there's a weak spot, and the truth is, to discipline your children, you have to be disciplined, the fences can't move, the fence can't be here one day,
Because you're in a bad move, and over there one day, because you're not, y'all know Pavlov's dogs, they rang a bell, and the dogs would salivate, and it was a really cute test, that's not what they did, they didn't ring a bell, they shaved the spot, on the dog's arm, they put an electrode on it, and they electrocuted the dogs, and then fed them, just bell sounds nicer, they would take these dogs, they would walk them down the hall, they would set them up on a table, they would stick an electrode on their arm, they would shock them, and then they would feed them, so they were giving them, negative reinforcement, prior to getting to eat,
And then, what they started doing, was they had some dogs, that every time they shocked them, they fed them, and they had some dogs, that they would shock sometimes, and they would feed them, or not feed them, or whatever, so the dogs that got shocked, and fed, when they started heading down that hall, would run down the hall, would jump on the table, would hold their arm out, they didn't mind getting electrocuted, they knew they were about to get fed, I don't think they shocked the fool out of them, but I don't know, I wasn't there, the dogs that they shocked, all the time, and fed sometimes,
Lost their minds, they were psychotic, they wouldn't go down the hall, they were fighting, they couldn't handle, the rules changing, now, your child is smarter than a dog, after it's about two years old, all I'm saying is, there is something to, if you're going to discipline your children well, you have to be disciplined, so that the fences don't move all the time, so that the system doesn't change all the time, it also means that you and your spouse, have to be on the same page, because it can't be one way with one of you, and another way with another one of you, because that makes room for children, not knowing where they are, not knowing how things work, if you're going to count to three, when you get to three,
Something needs to happen, whatever you decide that thing is, and then it needs to happen, every time you hit three, if you count to three, and sometimes it happens, and sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes you count to five, or if you count to three, and nothing ever happens, you just counted, like that's, I'm going to count again, go for it, that'll double the time, I'm doing the thing, you didn't want me to do, like I, you got to pick, you're the parent, you're going to stand, accountable for him, but discipline means, that you have to be disciplined,
And this has to stay, I want to show you, something though, specifically, specific to the idea of spanking, and to the idea of discipline, and these are in the Proverbs, I want to show you two things, Proverbs 13, 24, whoever spares the rod, hates his son, but he who loves him, is diligent to discipline him, we're told in Hebrews, that God disciplines his children, if he doesn't discipline, you don't belong to him, the Bible says, that you are a bastard, if you were not disciplined, by the Lord, so that you have children, it is your role,
As a parent, to discipline them, to figure out, what that looks like, in your household, and how that works, now the rod, in your household, may not be a rod, it may be time out, if it works, it may be removing things, that they appreciate, if it works, it just has to function, like a rod, the rod, the rod, in your household, may be a rod, or as Spencer said, one of his professors, called it a wisdom wand, there's driving folly away,
Via magic, on your rear end, here's the thing, discipline, comes from love, one of the reasons, why culture responds, so negatively, to spanking, to, is that we've seen, a lot of discipline, that didn't come from love, came from annoyance, it came from frustration, it came from anger, it came from a place of evil, it came from a place of sin, it came from a place of drunkenness, and that has no place, in parenting, and it has no place, in the church, but loving consistent discipline,
Does, and it is beautiful, and good for your child, and here's, another proverb, that helps paint this picture, do not withhold, discipline from a child, so you are wrong, to do that, you need to repent, if you are, if you strike him, with a rod, he will not die, I quoted this to my wife, as a joke, because whenever I would, spank my child, all she could see, was a 30 year old, hitting a 2 year old, even though I wasn't, hitting him that hard,
She was like, you are crazy, and it is like, I am not crazy, and then I would say, he is not going to die, the Bible says it, I was taking that out of context, that is not what that means, I do not think, that is what it means, I think what it means is, the purpose of striking, with a rod, is for life, it is a life giving rod, here is what I mean, my dad used to spank us, when we would play, in the road, he would sit us down, he would explain to us, why it was wrong, and then we would get,
A certain number of licks, with a belt, the reason he spanked us, while we played in the road, was because, we did not have the concept, an understanding, of what getting hit, by a vehicle was, but his belt was very real, and so one of the things, that happens at my house, is that we are consistently, creating negative consequences, because the negative consequences, are too slow to come, my son, hopped up off the couch, took his little sippy cup, walked over to me, said, get me some milk, and threw it at me, walked back over,
Hop back up on the couch, now, parenting is not about, what he does, parenting is about, what I do, so I threw it back, he said, get your own milk, I didn't, I took a deep breath, so that I wouldn't, here's the thing, I want him to have milk, I want him to drink milk, all the time, especially if he wants milk, but he can't act like that, but the consequences, for him are delayed, because I can go get him milk, and all he has learned, is negative behavior, gets a positive result,
Same with like, when he melts down, and cries over something, if he starts crying, all the fun in the world, ceases to exist, we have removed everything good, if you throw a fit, if you whine, nothing good happens, because if he cries, and then we give him a good thing, all we have taught him, is the way to be happy, is to cry, and that's nonsense, and that's a terrible thing, to learn, and your children, will turn into terrorists, and they'll continue it, 12 year olds do this, they learn this, when they're three,
They terrorize you, at a dinner table, so you'll appease them, because you just want to have, a nice night out, when really you should spend, the time outside, disciplining your child, you just do whatever, they want you to do, and then they learn, so parenting, disciplining is, creating negative results, because the real negative results, are too far coming, here's the real negative result, if my son can throw, a milk bottle at me, and I have to go get him milk, I begin to not like my son, my wife begins to not like our son, she can't take him to Walmart, we can't do anything fun with him,
Because he ruins everything, and so now, our child is in a situation, where we actually kind of dislike him, we don't want to be around him, and that is not his fault, that's our fault, he goes to school, he can't sit still, he can't be quiet, he can't control himself, and that's not his fault, that's our fault, he had folly, bound up in his heart, and we refused to drive it away, because we were being unloving, he goes to middle school, he goes to high school, he can't now, now when he grows up, he can't keep a job, he doesn't know how to handle relationships, and it began,
Because he had a father and mother, that refused to make him honor them, and refused to love him well enough, to discipline him, and that's ridiculous, we're called to it, but the negative effects, of poor behavior, and a small child, are too far in coming, and so you begin to make, the negative effects immediate, so that they'll learn, a belt is real, a time out is real, whatever, all removal of good happy things, is real, and that's because, his action is going to lead, to the removal of all good happy things, he just doesn't know it, and so I have to play act it with him, and that's,
I'm giving him life, that's discipline, that's the biblical picture of it, all right, then he says, bring them up, so we're moving them in a direction, we have a picture, of what we want, out of a son, we have a picture, of what we want, out of a daughter, we have a picture, of what a well-grown, well-adjusted adult looks like, if you didn't see that, in your parents, if you didn't see it, go talk to people, who've parented well, go ask them questions, go look at the people, who you think are well-adjusted,
Who work hard, who do things, ask them questions, how did you learn, begin to paint a picture, you got a place you're taking them, and we're doing this, in discipline, and instruction, instruction here, the word brings to mind, kind of head training, so you're giving them information, you're explaining things to them, you're walking them through, you're teaching them, not only what to think, but also how to think, I can remember, telling my dad stories, about, hey a buddy of mine, he was at his uncle's house, and I would tell him,
This big long story, and my dad would go, that didn't happen, no it did, he said he saw it, he didn't see that, your friend lied to you, and he was consistently, training me, on how to think, how to gauge things, he would make me come sit, and listen, and look at something, he would teach me, how to think, and that's one of the things, that instruction means, is that you're, not just teaching them, what to think, but you're also, training their brains, you have a picture,
Of where you're growing, and you're training them, and then it says, discipline and instruction, of the Lord, we're going to spend, the rest of our time there, one of the things, this means is parents, your role, with your children, is to discipline, and train them, in the Lord, in Christ, and what it looks like, to follow Jesus, this is a letter, written to the church, and it places parenting, on the parents, not the church, it's one of the reasons, why we are very careful,
With how we do things, with children, with students, because it, parenting doesn't get, outsourced to the church, it doesn't belong to us, it belongs to the parents, now where parenting, is lacking, and where students, don't have parents, that love Jesus, we try to step in, we try to walk with them, in that, it's one of the reasons, why we put them, in community groups, because we think, that's better, than just putting them, around peers, we put them around,
Like if you don't know Jesus, if your parents don't know Jesus, we're going to stick you, in a group, okay, you're 15, you're going to get, have a lot of parents, that love Jesus, they're going to begin, to pour into you, they're going to begin, to take you places, begin to try to train you, and instruct you, and discipline you, and walk with you, through life, but if you have parents, and if you are parents, it isn't the church's role, to raise your children, in the Lord, it is your role,
To raise your children, in the Lord, this is an atmosphere, in which this takes place, Deuteronomy, when it's training parents, how to teach their children, it says do it when you wake up, do it when you walk around, do it when you're sitting at the table, do it before you go to bed, that this is how, all of life belongs to Jesus, and so you begin to train, in all of life, how to think, that when your child comes to you, and says how do we think about money, that you so know the Lord, and you so know the Bible, that you go, here's why we think about that way, here's why we approach money that way, that you so know the truth,
Of the gospel, that when they say why, why do we as Christians, say we're not supposed to have sex, before we're married, you say well here's why, it's not just a rule, but you have a big picture, of why it's beautiful, and why it's good, that you know the Lord well, so that you can do this well, here's the other thing, you need to understand as parents, that you are a stand in for God, with your children, you're a stand in for God, some of you understand this so clearly, because when you became a Christian, it was so difficult to relate to God, because he calls himself a father, and your father was terrible, so you feel like God is distant, you feel like God only cares about you,
If you're successful, you feel like God is consistently disappointed in you, you feel like God is waiting, to strike you down, waiting for you to mess up, and that's because your father, your parents painted a very poor picture, but parents, you get to paint a really beautiful picture, so one of the things that happens, is you raise your children in discipline, when it says of the Lord, do you know how much joy is in the Lord, do you know how much time at your house, needs to be spent laughing, and playing, and celebrating, do you know how much joy is in the house of the Lord, that you're painting a picture, for what God looks like, which means, he's terrible, when you're in sin, he has wrath for sin,
But he also has grace, and love for repentance, and there's joy in his house, that when you're outside of his will, it's awful, but when you're under his roof, it's beautiful, and his parents, we're getting to paint that picture, that the household is a household, that you actually get to walk your children down the aisle, and at some point hand them off to God, and that's seamless, because they already have a good picture, of what he's like, but you have to have a good picture, of what he's like, and you have to walk that out, that my son should be afraid of me, in a healthy way, and that my son also should think, I'm the most fun person, that has ever existed, and that's how I ought to think about God,
And you get to be a stand in for that, specifically parents, one last thing I want to point out, for many of you, you're just beginning this, for many of you, you're already on the other side of it, there's a good bit of us in the middle of it, and you are failing, in so many ways, I am failing in so many ways, I can't tell you how many conversations, I have with my wife, where I put my son to bed, and I come back in, and she's like, you did not handle that right, and I'm like, you're telling me, he just got going, I was just, I went for it, and that was awful, what do we need to do next time,
He threw me a curve ball, I wasn't ready for it, I dodged it, I wasn't ready for it, you're going to fail, but Jesus saves sinners, and he saves failures, and when you've taken your fifth trip, up to the school in five weeks, to talk to a teacher again, and when you worked, and worked, and worked, and worked, and they still brought home F's, and when they've left, and you don't even know where they went, but prior to leaving, they said the most hurtful things, that anyone could possibly ever say to you, and you responded, with some of the most hurtful things, you've ever said to anybody, you get to repent,
And you get to trust, that Jesus saves sinners, that one day, you'll stand before him, and yes, you'll be held accountable, for your actions, and you'll be held accountable, for how your children, what you did with your children, but you'll also stand, clothed in the righteousness of Christ, that he paid for your sin, so that you can walk free, that's the hope of the gospel, and that as you lean into Jesus, you get to trust, that some of you right now, you look back on parenting, you have so much regret, and you just get to trust, that Jesus covers you, and pays for you, and brings you hope,
That you won't stand held accountable, for your own sin, but you'll get to walk in the freedom, that's offered to you, around this room, we need to repent, some of you are children, who are actively disobeying, or dishonoring your parents, and you need to repent, because you're in sin, but there's a lot of grace, for sinners who repent, maybe you need to call your parents, or have a conversation with them today, where you tell them you're wrong, you shouldn't have said those things, you shouldn't have acted that way, you need to change your attitude, that you get to trust, that Jesus redeems sinners, saves sinners, forgives sinners, some of you are parents,
Who need to repent, your fathers who have abdicated, your fathers who have just deferred, to your wife, even though you think she's wrong, because you feel like, she feels more comfortable, or she feels more adamantly about it, or you feel like, she makes it difficult, chapter three of the Bible, Adam says, but my wife, and God doesn't take it, as a legitimate excuse, we don't get to do that, we have to lead, some of you are wives, who are actively, not being, following the leadership, of your husband, or who have actively, abdicated from parenting well,
Or who have begun, treating your children, in a way that's just about today, that's just about your own happiness, that's not about theirs, we need to repent, but we run to a God, who has open arms, and an open house, and who loves us, the way a parent loves his children, and so when we show back up, he's not mad at us, and he's not ready to chastise us, he's ready to open the door, and start cooking a meal, and say sit down, I was waiting for you to come, because there's a lot of joy, in the house of the Lord, and there's a beautiful welcome, for sinners who repent, band's going to come back up, and we're going to sing,
And sing, but I would invite us all, to take a moment, to just pray, to reflect, to rest in the hope of the gospel, to run to Christ, in the midst of difficulty, let's pray, God we thank you for your grace, we thank you that you are, a good father who loves us, and redeems the picture, of so many messed up fathers, that we had, we thank you and praise you, for the good fathers and mothers, that we did have, and we pray that you would, bless this church, to be a place of, of good parenting, and we pray that you would, bless those who are still,
Dependent on their parents, to be obedient, as obedience to you, that you would help us all, to honor our parents well, because it trains us, in how to honor you, and how to live a life of joy, we thank you, and we praise you in Jesus name, amen. Amen. Amen.