A Husband's Honor

1 Peter 3:7

A Husband's honor

Chet Phillips

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So obviously we introed with a clip from the movie Frozen, so we're talking about manhood, masculinity, and being a husband today. But so what we're doing is we're walking verse by verse through the book of 1 Peter. And Peter, what we're doing these two weeks, we just called it Misfit Marriage. So this whole series we've entitled Misfits because we're just looking at Peter's describing, writing a letter to the church in the first century and calling them to look like the gospel actually affects their lives. Which means that we will automatically not fit in as well in our culture because we're using a different thing to guide us.

We have different goals, different thoughts on what is best for us as we walk through life. What life is actually supposed to look like. And so we just entitled this Misfits. And so for the past two weeks, last week and this week, we're looking at what the instruction he gives to wives and husbands. And actually how that makes our marriages look different. You're not going to read this in People Magazine.

What we're going to talk about today, what we talked about last week specifically with wives being submissive to and subject to their husbands. You're not like, oh yeah, I saw an article about that recently. People were so on board with that. It's just not what our culture says, but it's actually what's good and helpful and beneficial as told to us by God who designed everything. And so I want to start off. We're going to pray and then I'm going to kind of, let me do this first.

I want to start off by talking to the females in the room and try to help you understand what you, why you would want to listen this morning. What would actually be helpful to you as you listen. So single females. Some of you are not supposed to get married, don't feel called to get married, don't want to get married. That is fine. That is good.

You get to image the gospel in that way, in a way particular to singles. You get to show the gospel in a way that married couples can't. And so that's beautiful and good and okay for the females in the room who feel called to get married, who want to get married, who have a desire to be a wife, to be a mother. What we're going to talk about today is what husbands ought to look like, what men ought to look like. And so I just want you to know what that should look like so that you can recognize it and so you can expect it. Let me just tell you something about guys that you may or may not know.

If you lower the bar, they will pretty much meet your expectations. Guys are pretty much going to jump the hurdles that are given to them. And if they won't, good, fine. Like if you raise the bar on what it looks like to be a man and what it looks like to pursue you and they're not willing to reach that, find someone who will. Like if your biblical standard for what a man should look like is here and they won't come to that, then good. You don't want to marry that moron anyway.

But if you lower it, you will have hordes of morons knocking at your door. So if you do not expect biblical masculinity, you will not get it outside of God's just real good grace to you. Because you're basically going to get what you call out of. So I want you to understand what it looks like, what biblical masculinity looks like, what headship looks like, what God calls husbands to so that you can expect it. Wives, three things. Don't try to be the Holy Spirit.

So if your husband is just kind of off in some of these areas, isn't following well in some of these areas, isn't repenting well in some of these areas, don't elbow him. Don't go, eyes up there. Like don't do that. When you get in the car to go home, don't go, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Like just don't do it. So I don't care if your husband handled last week well or not.

You get the chance to handle this week well. So don't do it. Do pray that the Holy Spirit will put your husband on his rear end today in the areas that he needs to be. So do pray. If there's a section, just if it's just a helpful section where your husband's off, just be, dear Lord, get him. That's an appropriate prayer today.

And do, where you see your husband fulfilling some of these roles, doing well in some of these areas, trying in some of these areas, do encourage that. Do go and say, hey, thank you. Thank you for doing this well. Thank you for trying this. Thank you for leading here. Thank you for fighting for this for our family.

Do encourage it. So those are kind of your options and things you get to do today. Also, you want to know what's called for for your husband so that you can see it, so you can recognize it, so you can encourage it, and so you can expect it. So you can be willing to step back and say, no, that's actually something you're supposed to be doing. I expect that. Okay.

The Bible places on men what is known as headship. The reason headship, we don't really use this word, but the reason it's helpful is it is not just leadership. Leadership is not just given to men. Women are allowed to lead, called to lead, good at leading. That's okay. Okay.

Now, inside the marriage and in the church, headship is placed on men, and it's actually placed on all men outside of marriage, outside of the church. We are called to foster growth and health in all things around us. We're called to build and to cultivate, and that wherever we are, wherever men are, things are designed to flourish. And you can look at our culture and see that where men are lacking, things fall apart. And you can talk to a sociologist. You can look at studies.

Nobody's arguing this. Where there are fatherless homes, where men are lacking, things fall apart. It does not work well because men were designed and headship was placed on men to create order and allow those around them to flourish. That's what men are called to do. Which means that every man in this room, you were designed to carry weight. I've heard someone say that men are like trucks.

They drive straighter with a load, and that is true. You are not meant to be bored. Bored men become complacent and can cause great pain. You are designed to have weight and responsibility. You are designed to carry a load. Single men, pay attention to what you are called to so that you might step up and begin to lead and be a man in all the areas that you're in.

Now, you may not be supposed to get married, but headship is still placed on you in life. And for single men and married men, but specifically for single men, there are two things currently that can completely derail your ability to walk in masculinity in our culture. And that's pornography and video games. And let me, I just want to tag this very early on because those two things tap into two of the things that you were designed to be and do. That doesn't mean I'm not going to keep up with time. I'm just going to beat the snot out of myself with my watch if I keep doing this.

Two things that you were designed to be and do that it short circuits. Short circuits. So pornography, short circuits in a man's brain, in females' brains as well, but in a man's brain, when you were designed to pursue a real woman that you have to sacrifice for, that you have to work for, that you have to put yourself out for, that you have to take pain for, that you have to carry weight for and have responsibility for it, short circuits that and gives you a cheap imitation that will derail your ability to pursue actual masculinity. And video games easily tap into what you were designed to be, which is someone who builds, who wars, who creates, who strategizes, who leads, who suffers.

And video games allow you to tap into that in a moment so that you can actually sit on the couch and pretend to do all those things and never actually accomplish anything. Now, pornography, never okay. Video games as hobby, limited amount of time during the week, acceptable. Video games as part-time or full-time Job, unacceptable. Video games as the thing you do with your time when you have nothing else to do, unacceptable. Because it taps into and robs you of what masculinity is supposed to look like.

Let me read you some stats just about American men real quick. Tonight, 40% of children will go to bed without a father. For the first time in American history, the majority of children born to women under 30 are born out of wedlock. Today, a single woman is more likely than her male counterpart to go to college, have a job, attend church, and have a driver's license. The state of masculinity and manhood in the U.S. is in a very deplorable state. And where masculinity and manhood fails, things fall apart.

And we are a joke when it comes to masculinity in the U.S. right now. And the only place where that is going to change is through Scripture and from the church leading in what it looks like to be a biblical man. Jesus, when we look at Jesus, he sacrificed for those around him. He suffered for something bigger than himself. He didn't act like he was the center of the world, even though he is. He actually suffered for the good of those around him so that they might be lifted up, so that they might flourish.

He was gentle and kind and abrasive when he needed to be. He was focused. He shows us how testosterone ought to be handled, how male headship ought to look. And as you look at Jesus, you see every man sees what you were called to be, what you were designed for. And I would like to invite all the males in this room to join up with the other males in this room in following after Jesus, which means that we fail and we fall short, but we go shoulder to shoulder in trying to see what it looks like to be biblical men, which is not easy, but it's very, very good for our souls and for those around us.

Now, I will say this about our church family that I'm very appreciative of. We have a lot of men, and we have a lot of men trying to follow scripture, trying to study what it means, repenting of sin, leading their families. We have guys who were living with their girlfriends, became a Christian, moved out, and planned to get married so that they could honor their girlfriend and future wife. We have guys that lead in repentance of sin in their families. One of the complaints we have about our church family, which every time someone complains about it, I just get so happy in my soul. As girls will say, man, there's too many guys around here.

Thank you, Jesus. The least likely person to be a part of a church family is a male between the ages of 18 and 34. We're going to be baptizing four, maybe five guys next week in that age range. Thank you, Jesus. But we all want to go shoulder to shoulder in what it looks like to follow him and to be biblical men.

And so single men, married men. Good morning. We're going to study scripture this morning. Father, we thank you for this opportunity. And we pray that your Holy Spirit would lead us. And God, we need you.

And we need your grace. And we thank you that you don't leave us alone, but you show us what it looks like to be men, to lead, to follow. And we praise you in Jesus' name. Amen. Okay, so that's not going to be the tone for the rest of the day, but I wanted to start us off there. We're going to look at verse 7 of 1 Peter chapter 3.

So it's on page 657. We're going to look at one verse. And we're really just going to try to unpack for husbands. Now, it applies to men in general, but for husbands specifically, how you ought to relate to your wife. And this is, 1 Peter is going to hit a different area than some of the other areas in scripture hit. So that's why I brought up headship, because it falls under that, although 1 Peter is not going to address it.

Ephesians 5 has some really helpful things. But we're just going to specifically look at what Peter has to say about it as he comes out of. Last week he said, wives, be subject to your husbands. Follow their leadership. Realize that their decisions are going to affect you and be willing to submit, trusting Jesus over your husband. That's what we just studied last week.

And so if you come out of that, you can immediately be like, okay, so husbands just get to do whatever they want and get their way. If he didn't put this verse in, you might could assume that, but he put this in, so you can't assume that. We're going to read this verse, and then we're going to walk through it chunk by chunk. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. I'm going to read that again. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

To be helpful, we're going to walk through chunk by chunk, but we're going to skip ahead real quick just so that we're not all confused. What does he mean by weaker vessel? So immediately females can be like, hold on a second, what is this? What did he just say? Especially in our culture where that's kind of frowned upon to say things like that. So let me just give you a few areas that he may, what he may be referring to when he says live with your wife in an understanding way, honoring them as the weaker vessel.

In general, he may be pointing to the fact that in general females are more in touch with their emotions, which is good. You want that. But it makes certain circumstances more difficult for females. The ability to swap back and forth between everything being tied to their emotions. So there's not much that happens with my wife, Anna, that isn't also connected to emotions, to how she feels about things.

85% Of my life is not connected to how I feel about things. And that makes me easier to, it makes it easier for me to handle certain circumstances. That may be what he's talking about. The emotional wiring of males and females, which just listen to a comedian. We agree with this, or at least we see it. Could be in general that males are bigger, more physically designed to take a beating than females.

That could be in general what he's talking about, and that is in general. I mean, I wouldn't want to play tennis with Serena Williams or arm wrestle her. But in general, males are bigger than females, stronger than females, able to take. That's why WNBA and NBA are different. That's why we separate sports the way we do. That's why there aren't many females that compete at the level that males.

It's just in general, that's the way it works. Now, there are exceptions. I mean, but even the U.S. Army has different regulations for males and females, although we did just have a few females pass ranger school where there aren't any differences. So there are exceptions, but in general.

The other thing he may, what he's basically saying is this. Not, he's saying they're different. Males and females are different. Not one is better than the other. So C.S.

Lewis says, To say one thing is not another thing does not levy a complaint against either. To say that the sun is not the moon is not to attack either. And so he's just saying that there's differences. It's like females are fine china and males are cast iron. Both good, used for different things. Treated differently.

If you took a Brillo pad to your grandmother's fine china, she would assault you. They can only be cleaned with the backs of white kittens. Like, I mean, there's just, you have to, you have to treat them differently. And it's not to say one's better. It's just used differently. Not one's better, not the other.

It's like saying, would you rather have a pillowcase or a plunger? What am I using them for? Like, they just, they're both good, but they need to be used differently. And honestly, we're all very glad that your pillowcase and your plunger are different and used in different. Like, you want, that's okay. It's okay for there to be differences.

I think that's what he's pointing to here. And we're going to talk about a little bit about what that means. But we know this. Deep in our hearts, we know this. That this is the way it's designed to be. That there is a certain level of cast iron in China for males and females.

That we're supposed to be treated differently, spoken to differently. That's okay. So, there's a couple. They're laying in bed. 3.30 a.m. There's a loud crashing noise.

And it is now obvious that someone is entering their home. So, the guy rolls over to the female and he looks at her and says, in a very hushed and quick voice, Hey, you know how one of the things you like most about me is that I don't get into this whole male-female stuff that's been passed on to us from older people. Like, I'm not into that. And, you know, we always, that's one of the things you like best about me. So, I was thinking either we would just play Paper Rock Scissors to see who faces the intruder. Or we can make a really progressive choice and you could just.

Now, immediately, we know loud crashing sound, male and female in the house. Alright, boy. It's go time. Your name's just been called. Like, that happens at my house. I'm not going to look at Anna and be like, whose turn is it?

It's not happening. Male or female breaking into my house. They're about to have their hands full. Like, it's go time. That's just how it works. Like, we, okay.

In 2012, July 20th, 2012, at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, at a, like a midnight showing of The Dark Knight, about 20 minutes in, a guy comes in, throws in tear gas, pulls out an assault rifle. And three young guys in their 20s with their girlfriends, not their wives, not their mothers, with their girlfriends, push their girlfriends to the ground. And laid on top of them. All three of the girlfriends were wounded. All three of the guys died. The girls were wounded as bullets went past through the guys and into their bodies.

And immediately, across the world, those three guys were heralded as heroes because we know that that's how that's supposed to work. In the same year, there was a boat called the Costa Concordia that sank and 32-something people died. But there was widespread – it was just told as the story came out that men were pushing down women and children to make it to the lifeboats first. And immediately, that was condemned as heinous, sick, twisted, broken, because we know that this is true. That men are designed to take the beating. And so, as it comes to being a husband, being a man, one of the questions that you get to ask in your relationship is who takes the beating?

When it comes to working more, when it comes to picking up the slack, when it comes to making decisions, when it comes to who's going to take the beating? Because men are designed for it. So, I think that's what he's tapping into there. And now we're going to talk specifically through understanding way and then what it means to honor your wives. So, what he says is, Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. I love that he says, live with them in an understanding way, which means that your posture is that of an understanding way.

He does not say, husbands, understand your wives. Because that would be terrible. But he does say, live with your wife in an understanding way. And here's how I think a couple of ways that this applies. Get to know your wife. Learn her.

Realize that she's going to change. So, my wife and I just had a son. My wife is different now. She is not the same person I began dating in high school. She's not the same person she changed when we got married. She's not the same person that she was when we first got married.

She's been different every time we've moved to different states. And she's had different jobs. She has changed. Her tastes have changed. Her attitude toward things has changed. And part of my role as a husband is to try to understand her.

To learn her. To get to know her. To pursue her consistently. So, I'll tell you one of the smallest ways that this has happened. And my wife always tolerated Taco Bell. She didn't really like it.

She was just okay with it. Because I really like Taco Bell. So, we would eat there some. And a lot of times, I'd be like, you want to go to Taco Bell? She'd say, sure. And this is why we were living here.

And we would go. But on the way to Taco Bell, there's a KFC. And it never failed. As we were getting close and she saw KFC, she went, or we could just get some chicken. And so, we went to KFC a lot. I could see Taco Bell.

I wanted Taco Bell. And I'd just be like, mmm. Then she got pregnant. And I don't remember. It was two, three months in. And she looked at me.

It was late in the evening. And she says, do you want to go to Taco Bell? Yes. Heck, yes, I do. And so, while she was pregnant, and I did not matter. It could be 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

It could be 10 o'clock at night. While she was pregnant, I could go, do you want some Taco Bell? And she'd be like, that sounds good. And so, I took advantage of this because I knew the only reason she wanted Taco Bell was because my son existed inside of her. And he wanted Taco Bell. That's right.

I passed on trashy jeans or something. Like, I don't know what went into him that made him crave Taco Bell. But I knew that was the only reason. So, I ate so much Taco Bell. And then, grace upon grace, she still likes Taco Bell. That's beautiful.

And I'm assuming that will last until maybe our next child. Like, I don't know. But her tastes are going to change. I say that to say, realize your wife is going to change. Her tastes are going to change. Her desires for things are going to change.

And realize that your wife is not someone else's wife. So, learn your wife's version of humor. Does your wife think sarcasm is funny? My wife thinks sarcasm is hilarious, which makes it very difficult for me to converse with other females. Because I say things to them that my wife would think is funny. And they look at me like I'm the worst human they've ever met.

I'll be like, you didn't think that? Okay. Sorry. My bad. What kind of humor is she like? What kind of...

How does she communicate? Is she a morning person? Is she an evening... Like, understand your wife. Begin to learn. This is not the time to have this conversation.

This is not the time... This is not the way to approach my wife. Realize that when your married friend says, this is what I do, that may or may not be helpful. Sometimes you just need to say, cool, bro, and not do that. You're married to a different person. Understand your wife.

Pursue her. Learn her. And realize you're going to do that forever. How do they receive affection? How do they show affection? Begin to learn your wife.

Okay. So, we're going to look at three ways to show honor. So, what he says is, understand... Live with your wives in an understanding way. Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel means treat her differently. She is not one of your...

She is your friend, but she's not one of your male friends. She gets treated differently. She gets shown honor in a different way. So, we're going to talk about three ways, three places that this shows up. It shows up in how you talk about your wife, how you talk to your wife, and how you make decisions. So, we're just taking the idea of what does it look like to show honor to your wife, to love her, to prefer her.

And so, it's how you talk about her, how you talk to her, and how you make decisions. Talk about her. Here's the rule. This one's short. You don't get to say derogatory things about your wife to other people, period. I will state that again.

You don't get to say derogatory things about your wife to other people. This is something that men do. The two things men will get... Three things men will get together and talk about. They'll talk about sports. They'll randomly just talk about what's going on.

They'll bash their boss, and they'll bash their wife. You don't get to partake in the third... Second or third. You can talk about sports. I don't have time to talk about why you can't bash your boss. But just this one.

You don't get to say derogatory things about your wife to other people. You can say nice things about your wife to other people. You can say nice things about your wife in front of your wife. You don't get to say mean things about your wife in front of your wife. It does not make you look good. It does not make her look good.

It does not foster health or growth or joy or peace in your household. Don't do it. You get to encourage her in front of people. You get to point out her wins in front of other people. You don't get to... My wife loves sarcasm.

Father, one of the areas I have to repent to her. most often is I will make sarcastic jokes to her or about her around other people, and that is never appropriate. It is not the same as when we are alone. So some of the things that I can say to her that are funny when we are by ourselves are not funny if other people are in the room, and I have to repent to her often. I'm getting better at that. I have to repent to her less often than I used to. You can.

The only caveat to this rule is if you are working through something and need to talk to some guys in your community group to ask for clarification for prayer, and as long as it's not in a gossipy way, you can say, hey, this is going on in our marriage right now. This is a thing that's happening. I need some clarification. I need some help. I need some wisdom here. That's perfectly biblically okay.

Otherwise, you don't get to just say, well, my wife always does this, and this is something. You just don't. It's not cute. It's not cool. It does not honor your wife. Okay, second one, how you talk to your wife.

Colossians is going to say don't be harsh. You don't get to bully your wife. You don't get to push her around. You don't get to go flash bang when you get in arguments. My wife is scary. I am way scarier.

And I know immediately if anybody knows my wife, they're like, she's not that scary. You've never seen her angry. She's scary. I'm scarier though. And so when we get in arguments, I don't get to throw things. I don't get to shout at her.

I don't get to call her names. I don't get to belittle her. You don't get to do that as a husband. You get to love. You get to honor your wife regardless of the circumstance. Prefer her.

Show her respect. Treat her as if she's more important than you are. That's what it looks like. So tone, word use. What this means is that you need to go out of your way to say very helpful, encouraging, gracious things to your wife. You need to look for the things that she does well, where the Holy Spirit's active in her, where you can see her growing and you need to point them out.

You don't just get to follow around and tell her the things that annoy you. When was the last time you walked in your house and specifically looked around for things to say encouragingly to your wife about what she does, about how she carries herself, about... One of the things that... It makes life more fun. You can easily notice the things that bother you. Walk in your house and go, I'm going to find five.

I'm going to find five things tonight that I can say encouragingly to my wife. Make it a game. Make it challenging. Some of you, two is a challenge. Go for it. Find something to say encouraging.

Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you so much for being like this. Can I just tell you that I noticed this and appreciate it about you? Can I tell you why all other females pale in comparison to you? They are garbage. And you're a roast.

Like, say some of this stuff. That's okay. Do that. Speak to your wife in an encouraging, loving, gracious way. And when there is conflict, don't go flashbang grenade on her to win. Don't pull up old arguments.

Don't... Resolve the conflict in a helpful, gracious way. You don't get to be harsh to your wife. The third one, and I think this one is the most confusing and difficult in a way to honor your wife as the weaker vessel and in an understanding way, is how you make decisions. So let me tell you the rule first, and then we're going to talk through a couple of scenarios, how it plays out, because it's difficult.

The rule is, first of all, there's headship placed on you as a husband. So let me tell you a little story. There was two naked people, and they lived in a garden. And they ate fruit, and the male naked person was named Adam, and he was given a job to name all the animals and to cultivate the rest of the world to look like this garden. So this is Adam and Eve.

There was one thing they couldn't do, which was eat of a certain tree, which was God, I believe, teaching them to trust him. And what happens is Eve, the wife, she would be the naked lady in the story. Try to stay focused. Ate of the tree, and then it says she gave some to her husband who was with her. And then, so she sinned, so she was deceived, the Bible tells us that, and she gave to her husband who was with her. So he was just hanging out, doing nothing, apparently, while she talked to a snake.

Husbands, if your wife starts talking to a snake, that's your moment. Step in. Don't talk to snakes. Anyway, sorry, I'm distracted. God shows up, and he calls for Adam. He does not call for Eve.

And when Adam responds to God, his response is this. The woman you gave me, he responds with, but my wife. And God says, no. The response there is, that doesn't matter. When God punishes Adam, he says, because you listen to the voice of your wife, which does not mean don't converse with your wife, don't ask for her opinion, don't let her speak into things. What it means is, the ultimate weight of the headship of your family rests on you.

The ultimate health and weight of and judgment for your family, your household rests on the male. That's the way it's designed. So if you look at a relationship and you say, she's in charge of that family. No, she is not. He is the head of the house. He's just a bad one.

That's how that works biblically. So the rule is, all decisions, ultimately, the man will be held accountable for. And there is no, but my wife. There is no, she's really hard to talk to. She's really difficult to lead. I'm sorry.

That doesn't get to be an excuse. You're held accountable for it. So the rule for husbands, you need to realize all decisions coming out of your household, ultimately, fall under your headship. Which means that when you make decisions, you make decisions to honor, to love, to serve your family, not yourself. So that's the rule.

All decisions ultimately will fall on your shoulders. And secondly, all decisions are made to honor, serve, love your family. Honor, serve, love your wife. Honor, serve, love your children. Guys in dating relationships, guys who are single. This begins by not having sex before you are married.

Because that is how you honor, serve, and love your spouse and your family. By leading immediately, early on, in repentance. By leading immediately and early on through following scripture. Which is hard. At no point does the Bible act like what is called of men is easy. And let me tell you something, men.

You were designed for difficult. You're supposed to carry weight. Now, I will say this. Since all decisions are going to fall under your headship, you need to become very well acquainted with this book. Men should be devouring this. Because we are not smart enough to make wise decisions outside of this.

If you think that you're going to navigate life well without this, that's a mistake. And you need to be asking your wife stuff because she's smart. Sarah and Abraham, we looked at them last week. There's a story where Sarah goes to Abraham and says, This is what I want to do in this situation. Abraham goes to God and God says, Do everything your wife just said. Ladies, you missed your chance.

That was the time to say amen. It's too late now. That's not the rule for how marriage should always work. It is not always do everything your wife says. But there are times when you're going to sit down with your wife and you're going to say, How do we navigate this?

And she's going to say, I think this, this, and this. And you're going to go, That was amazing. You're going to pray about it. You're going to say, I think God said do everything you said. Plans, steps one through five were brilliant. But at the end of the day, the weight of the decision still lands on you.

So let me show you some practical ways that this applies. It means that you honor your wife by preferring her and by deferring to her. The reason that so often Anna and I turned into KFC instead of going to Taco Bell is that I prefer my wife. Which means she gets her way in a lot of things. We discuss stuff and she, yeah, I don't care. That's not going to harm our family.

I don't know the difference between periwinkle and blue and fuchsia. Like, whatever. Yeah. Just paint it whatever. Like, we're good. Like, I'm, this means practically that my wife and I eat at Olive Garden.

I hate Olive Garden. It really tastes like, first of all, the decor is like you're in a retirement home and it tastes like they cook the pasta at a gas station. And Darden, the parent company to Olive Garden, recently had like a 300 slide presentation. And basically what they said was, this looks like an old folks home and it tastes like you cook this in a gas station. Like, the parent company said that to Olive Garden. So I'm not wrong.

But my wife and I eat there because she likes Olive Garden. What it means is that a lot of times you're just going to prefer your wife. You're going to defer to her. You're going to honor her. You're going to show her respect. You're going to act like her opinion means more than yours.

What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? Now, lead. Make decisions. Don't put all the weight every time on your wife. Don't always look at her and go, where do you want to eat?

Sometimes just say, hey, we're going to go eat here. That's gracious to your wife. She appreciates that. Realize that. Don't make her make every single decision all day long because you're trying to be nice to her. But at times it does mean you're just going to defer to her.

You're going to prefer her. Now, what happens? And this is the big thing that shows up in this passage, especially with what we read last week. What happens when you disagree? And it's a big thing. It's not Taco Bell or KFC.

Because that's a real choice around here because we don't have a KFC Taco Bell, which Target Market, West Columbia. I mean, absolutely, KFC Taco Bell, you would do great. If you're listening online, anybody who works there. Sorry. What do you do when you can't decide? What do you do when it's a big decision?

When it's who goes back to school? Do I quit my job so that we can do a startup? When it's do our kids go to homeschool? Do our kids go to school? Do we do some of both? When it's how are we going to pay for this?

When it's what do we do with this money? How do we set our budget? What do you do when you cannot decide? When you have said all of your words, she has said all of her words. You have thought about it. You've prayed about it.

You've talked to your community group to seek wisdom. You've studied scripture. What do you do when there is, regardless of the size of the decision, one of you says this is what's best for our family and this is what's best for our family? What do you do? I will tell you what often happens, but you need to remember two things. All decisions coming out of your household will ultimately rest on you.

That does not mean wives and that does not mean for your wife that she is not held accountable for her decisions, her actions, her attitudes, her sins. That is not the case. It does mean that headship rests on you and that decisions coming out of your household ultimately you'll be held accountable for. But how do you honor your wife living with her in an understanding way, honoring her as a weaker vessel when it comes to conflict and decision making? Well, we already know that he told wives be subject to your husbands. So how do you, when there's conflict, when you can't make a decision, how does this work?

I'll tell you what often happens. Men often will do this. Will do whatever you want to do. For a couple of reasons. One is usually we're tired of talking. I'm just, I'm out of words.

There are days Anna asks me questions and I just answer in my head. And five minutes later she's like, are you going to answer me? And I'm like, I didn't. I just, I didn't know. I was out of words. I had run out earlier in the day.

I had no more. And there are times in conversations when it is two o'clock in the morning and I have no more words. And she still has a lot. Like I just saw a whole garrison of reinforcement words just show up. And guys will say, we'll do whatever you want to do. And here's, sometimes it is, it is, it is a pretend niceness and it is weakness.

And men, we need to stop. Here's what we're doing. If we disagree and I let her decide, she carries the weight of the decision. So if she's right, good. She was right. That's a win for us.

She's happy. We didn't have to talk anymore about it. She feels like I was nice to her. She's right. Good. I don't have to, I don't have to take the beating of being wrong.

I don't have to go repent. I don't have to, I don't, I don't, she just, if she's wrong, good. She'll see that I was right. And she'll take the beating. Not abusively like you're going to beat your wife. But she'll take the fallout of the wrong decision.

She'll have to own it. She'll have to carry the weight. She'll have to feel the pressure. Good. We argued about it. We discussed it.

We couldn't come to a conclusion. I finally said, we'll do whatever you want to do. And she was wrong. Good. Good. Good.

And it's weakness. It's not leadership. And it's not honoring your wife. It's not gracious. What you're doing is you're pushing your wife out in front of you and saying, hey, just be fodder. I don't think this is good for our family, but I'm tired of discussing it.

You take the beating. I don't think this is good for the direction of our relationship, but I'm tired of talking about it. I'm tired of saying it, so you take the beating. I'm tired. And I don't want to do what's difficult. And I don't want to do what's called of me.

And I don't want to take the beating anymore. So you do. Here's what happens. The way you honor your wife is by taking the beating on behalf of her. All decisions are ultimately going to, you're going to be held accountable for them. So that means sometimes you do what your wife suggested, what she says, what she thinks is right.

But you own the decision so that when it goes poorly, you still repent. You don't look at your wife and say, you had a bad plan. You look at her and say, I led poorly here because you did. Sometimes when you cannot agree, husbands, you take the beating on both sides. Your wife will be upset with you. That is fine.

You look at her and say, I'm sorry. I don't know if this is the right next step. I know it's the one we're taking. If everything was always clear, you wouldn't need leadership. If the next step was always obvious, you wouldn't need leadership. You would just agree and you'd move on it.

And that happens. But when the next step isn't clear, you have to lead. You have to carry the weight. You have to say, I don't know if this is the right next step, but I know it's the one we're taking. And then you take the punishment. If it's right or if it's wrong, you repent.

Repent quickly. If it's a wrong decision, repent quickly. Change course. Go for it. Wives, realize the grace that is offered to you in that scenario. You get to know that you are right and that you are following well, following Jesus well by following your husband.

That you're trusting Jesus as you follow your husband. And at the end of the day, if your husband says, this is the direction we're going, you get to know that you're right. Your husband does not get that grace. He doesn't get that. He doesn't get the chance to know that he's right other than he's trying to lead. He has to carry the weight of the decision.

So, it means you prefer your wife. You defer to your wife. You ask her a lot of questions. You learn. You let her step in, weigh in. But at the end of the day, all the decisions coming out of your household are ultimately going to be laid on you.

And at times, that means that you're going to have to look at your wife and say, I have heard you. And really here, listen. This is the direction we are taking. And I'm going to ask you to follow me. And you're going to carry the weight. And take the beating if you're wrong.

And take the beating in the decision at the beginning, even if you're right because of the disagreement. And that's how you honor your wife. And that's how you love your wife. And that's how you serve your wife. You don't let her carry the weight of decisions and put that pressure on her because she wasn't designed to do it. And it's not gracious to her.

And it's not loving. It's weakness. And it's not fun. But that doesn't have anything to do with it. Sorry. But here's where it gets a little better.

He tells us why. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. The reason we do this is because in front of Jesus, we're all equal. We need grace. We need him to work on us. We need him to change us.

We need him to step in and fix the problem. We need grace. Your wife and you need Jesus. One of the things we're told about manhood is that you can never admit you're wrong. You can never show any weakness. You can never ask for help.

No. Christian men need grace. Our weak need help. Need Jesus. All of us need Jesus. We all need grace.

We all need Jesus to show up and help us, to fix us, to change us, to lead us. And then he says, so that your prayers won't be hindered. I think this means two things. One is, if you don't understand your wife and you're not honoring her and you're not living her in a healthy way, your household isn't that healthy. And your prayers are just not going to be great. Your prayer life will be kind of messed up because your relationship with your wife will be messed up.

The other thing I think it means is this. God, who is in the ultimate position of authority and leadership, used it to sacrifice and suffer and serve those who are under his leadership, under his care. And if you are using your position of authority, headship and power to take advantage of females, to take advantage of your wife, to abuse her, to do everything the way you want to do it, to be lazy, to be weak. God only wants to talk to you about that. He doesn't want to hear about your job. When you're praying about work and a promotion, he's going, oh, we need to talk about your family.

You need to repent. And so what Peter's saying, I think, is love your wife, serve her, honor her, follow Jesus, and then you actually can pray well for her. You can have a healthy prayer life and you can talk about other things because you're not going to be in constant need of repentance. Okay. Next week is baptism. Thank you, Jesus.

We're going to celebrate. We're going to have a party. The past weeks have been, Peter hasn't pulled any punches. The past weeks have been obey all authorities, even the government, which Americans love that. So obey the government, honor everyone.

Then suffer well. You were called to suffer. You were designed to suffer. Suffer well. And then wives, be subject to your husbands. And husbands, honor and love your wives.

So it's not been the funnest past weeks. Here's what we're going to do. Because we're all heirs of the grace of life and we all needed Jesus to show up in our brokenness and our weakness and sin. We're going to celebrate now by taking communion. And what communion is is an active, present reminder of the fact that Jesus declared once and for all definitively on the cross that every single one of us is messed up and every single one of us needs him. That Jesus definitively declared that you are broken and that you need grace.

And then his body was broken as he sacrificed and suffered on our behalf so that we could have life and joy and hope and peace and grace. And so what we'll do is you're going to take bread and you're going to remind yourself of his broken body on your behalf. And you're going to take the bread and dip it in the juice to remind yourself of his blood that was spilled on your behalf. And you're going to take communion. But before we do that, as we've talked about some difficult things over the past several weeks, we're going to pray.

Some of you need to repent. Some of you need to confess. You need to talk to your husband. You need to talk to your wife. You need to say, I've led poorly here. I've followed poorly here.

I've undermined you here. I've not been encouraging. When I need to tell you 15 things that I love about you right now. Because all I've done is follow you around and tell you all the things that bother me. Single guys, some of you need to repent to your girlfriends. For leading poorly.

For taking advantage of them. Single females, some of you need to talk to Jesus about how much weight you've placed in a relationship that isn't to him. Where you've allowed a male to lead you poorly. When you should have been following Jesus and trusting him. Where you've thought that you had to do a certain amount of things or be a certain type of person so that someone could actually care about you. And that Jesus has already definitively declared that he loves you eternally and will sacrifice forever for you.

That he would give everything for you. And that you are loved and that you are valuable and that you do have worth. Some of you just need to talk to somebody in your church family and in your community group that you just have something against. You need to talk to them about it. You need to repent. You need to ask for their forgiveness.

You need to offer grace. You need to talk to somebody who you think has something against you. Just talk to them. Some of you just need somebody to pray with you. So here's what we're going to do.

This music is going to keep playing. We're going to move around. We're going to talk to each other. And then we're going to celebrate that Jesus saves sinners and gives grace to people who are broken and messed up. We're going to celebrate that we've been made into a family and that we have hope because Jesus died for us. And we're going to take communion.

And then we're going to sing to Jesus. Because he was a leader who sacrificed for those under his care to bring about life and joy to help us flourish. So I'm going to pray. We're going to dim the lights a little bit. And we're going to move around. It should get loud.

It should be people talking to each other, praying with each other. And then as you're ready and as you feel led, take communion to celebrate what has been offered to us in the gospel. Father, we thank you for grace. We thank you for your love that rescued us. We thank you, God, that you saved sinners, that we were not called to have it all together, to be moral, to be perfect, to lead well, to serve well, to follow well, to be able to submit to authority well, to be able to suffer well, God, that none of that plays into the grace that is poured out on us, that it is all you. God, we thank you that we can forgive and we can repent and we can confess and that we have joy offered to us and restoration offered to us and peace offered to us and freedom offered to us in the cross.

And we praise you, God, that we are heirs of your grace. In Jesus' name, amen.

A Wife's Hope

1 Peter 3:1-6

A Wife's Hope

Chet Phillips

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Transcript

We're going to be talking about marriage for the next two weeks. So we're talking, we're walking verse by verse through the book of 1 Peter, and he's just now gotten to where he's talking specifically into situations. So what he's done in the first chapter, chapter and a half, he said, this is the gospel. This is what Jesus has done, and this is how it, in a cosmic way, impacts your life. And then he's kind of made a turn and started to say, in individual situations, in this relationship, and how you work here, how you function here, this is how this message of the gospel, the truth of the resurrection, the certainty of your inheritance, the certainty of your hope applies in these specific situations.

And so we've just called the whole series Misfits. Basically, he's writing to who he calls strangers and exiles and saying, because this is true, you won't fit into your culture. And so we just have entitled this Misfit Marriage for two weeks. We're going to look at what Peter says about marriage, and it doesn't really fit well in our culture, but it is derived from what he's already said about the gospel and who Jesus is and where our hope is and where our inheritance is. And so we're going to get to talk about marriage. The thing about marriage is that it is really difficult.

It's just hard. Marriage is hard in general, and our culture doesn't have a good handle on marriage. It's not one of our strong suits in America. Marriage isn't. And we're even just kind of confused on it. So I'll give you an example of that.

If you're watching a movie and the people start off not married, a lot of the time the resolution to the movie, the big end goal is that they get married. That's the magic moment. They ride off into the sunset. Everything's perfect. They meet at the top of that tower because he couldn't sleep when he was in Seattle. They get married.

There's just this, all of these things, and then it just comes together, and they get married, and everything works out, and that's the big dream moment. If the movie starts off with them married, the marriage is the problem. They don't get along. There's another person that comes in that would fix this. They're not really in love anymore. So start off not married, marriage fixes it.

Start off married, marriage is the problem. We're kind of confused on this. And so one of the things I get to do that I really enjoy about being a pastor is I get to do premarital counseling with some of the couples. If I'm going to be performing their wedding, I get to do premarital counseling and try our best to help them. The problem with people who have not been married is that they don't listen very well. Like you're saying really helpful true things, and it just like doesn't make it past the cloud of smoky love that floats around their head.

Like it just, they are not listening. And I know this for a fact because I will say some of the same stuff to the same people six months after they've been married, and they'll say, man, that's really helpful. And it's like we already talked about this. You just didn't hear it. And whenever I do perform a wedding, I always write it out word for word because people remember forever what you said at their wedding. And so I write it out word for word, and I read it, and I always read it to Anna beforehand, and she will say, no, you cannot say that at a wedding.

One of the things I often want to include is this. I want to start weddings off. Most all weddings, I want to start off like this. This wedding, this marriage, this marriage is perfectly set up for there to be a life of joy and happiness. The only problem is this sinner here and this sinner here. Otherwise, this marriage would be great.

And every time Anna's like, you can't start a wedding like that, people don't want to hear that. And it's true, though. And the reason she says that is because she's a sinner. That is true, though. That's the problem with marriages is that we're sinners. We're busted.

We're messed up, and we need help. And we need God to speak into this. We need him to step in and say, this is what you need. This is what you need to hear. This is how to walk through this tough situation. This is how this ought to work, as I have laid it out, as I have designed it.

And so graciously and thankfully he does. Now, he doesn't always say what we want him to say. But honestly, that kind of points to the fact that he is real and that he's not an American. He actually is above all culture and all time and is speaking into it. And so just the fact that what he says immediately hits our ears and makes us a little uncomfortable or a little defensive actually kind of proves some of the validity of his existence and that he doesn't just fit into what we want him to say. Okay, so what we're going to look at today specifically is what Peter addresses to wives, and he's going to talk about being submissive to your husband.

So immediately, I know we all got super excited. Well, half of the people that are married did. And I just have a few things that we've got to kind of get in our brains before we get into this. Now, luckily for us, we've been going verse by verse through 1 Peter, which makes us cover topics we probably wouldn't otherwise. So two weeks ago, we got to talk about submitting to the government, which all Americans love.

It's one of our favorite sermons. It's preached often on the 4th of July. Here's how we should still have a king. So submitting to governments. Then we got to talk about suffering, another perennial favorite of Americans.

We love suffering. It's one of our favorites. Now we're talking about wives submitting to their husbands. And next week, what we're going to do, just to save some time, is we're just going to form a line and poke everybody in the eye and send you home. It's just been several weeks of tough stuff that's in Scripture. But what we're going to do is we're going to study this today.

A couple of things before we get into the text. Husbands. Next week, we will be talking to husbands. So lead your family well and be here. But we'll be talking directly to husbands.

Don't say amen today. Just graciously listen. Listen. Don't elbow your wife. You can act like you're asleep in certain sections if that is helpful to you. No.

Pay attention. Be a part. But don't try to be the Holy Spirit. If there are issues in this or areas where the Holy Spirit needs to speak, you just listen graciously. Wives, do the same thing next week. Single ladies.

I think there are two really helpful ways that you can listen to this sermon and two reasons why you would want to. One, what is asked of you in Scripture in marriage is very difficult. So, our hope for you at Mill City Church, there are single ladies in our church who are going to get married. There are single ladies in our church who are not going to get married. And that's a perfectly fine way to live your life. It is a perfectly good and godly biblical response to following Jesus.

You don't level up if you get married. You don't become a complete person if you get married. Married couples. Quit insinuating that. You didn't level up. You didn't become complete.

Quit acting like every single lady has to get married. She does not. Some of you aren't going to get married and that's okay. But some of you are. And in our culture, the higher percentage of you are. And here's our goal.

That you would understand what is asked of you in marriage so that you will not, you will stop dating morons. The Bible is going to ask you to be submissive to your husband. If he is not a moron, that is easier. The correct biblical response for some of you ladies who are single is to listen to these sermons for the next two weeks and then break up with your boyfriend. That is the correct response. If he is mad, send him to us.

We will talk to him. We will get him in a group. We will help him follow Jesus like we are. And we will help him grow into what a biblical man is supposed to look like. That would be, that is a correct biblical response. The second reason, single ladies, you ought to listen to this sermon is the way we do our community groups.

You are a part of groups with families, with married couples. We don't do it by age. We don't do it by life stage. And you need to be able to graciously be helpful to the married ladies in your group. To point them to the gospel. To point them to scripture.

To not give them dumb advice that you read in a magazine or watched in a movie. Or feel in your heart. To actually know what is helpful, what God says. And to be able to graciously be a part of loving and serving your church family well. So, wives, good morning. Most of what we will talk about is going to directly apply to you.

So let's pray. And then we are going to read this whole text together. And then walk through it a chunk at a time. God, we need your help. We are not well equipped by our culture to hear what your word says in this area. Immediately we are going to have questions, frustrations, and doubt.

We are going to be tempted to misapply this in a number of ways. And so, God, we just ask that your Holy Spirit would work. Bring clarity. Give grace. And apply your word to all of the different people in this room. As we need to hear it and as we need to change.

Husbands, wives, single men, and single ladies. That we might all grow to love you more. And to love our church family more. Through your word. In Jesus' name. Amen.

We are in 1 Peter chapter 3, page 657. If your Bible looks like this. These Bibles are on the row. If you don't own a Bible, take this one with you. It's our gift to you. We want you to have a Bible.

We want you to read it often. So, page 657, 1 Peter chapter 3. And we are going to read the first six verses. Peter is going to address wives. And then in verse 7 he is going to address husbands. And that is what we are going to look at next week.

Likewise, wives. So, likewise being what he just talked about with the servants. And with having Jesus as their example. Likewise, wives. Be subject. Which means submit yourself.

Subject yourself to your husband. To his will. To his leadership. It does not say men or husbands. Subject your wives. It says wives.

Be subject. To your own husbands. So that even if. Some do not obey the word. Aren't Christians. Aren't listening to scripture.

Aren't following well. So that even if some do not obey the word. They may be one. Without a word. By the conduct of their wives. When they see your respectful and pure conduct.

Do not let your adorning be external. The braiding of hair. And the putting on of gold jewelry. Or the clothing you wear. But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart.

With the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God. Used to adorn themselves. By submitting to their own husbands. As Sarah obeyed Abraham.

Calling him Lord. And you are her children if you do good. And do not fear anything that is frightening. Okay. That text is tough. And I think made more difficult.

More tough. By our context. By our culture. There is a little bit of that. That you read. And you feel like.

It is something that you would graciously listen to your grandfather say. And then come away being like. I kind of feel sorry for my grandmother. I think he is a bit like sexist. And overbearing. Like that didn't.

Like there is some stuff in this text. That is like. Peter I wish you had clarified a little more. Or you listen to it. And immediately. Because of what we have been trained.

Our trained knee jerk reaction is. Oh I heard a guy say this one time on Cops. He had a really sweet wife beater. And a nice mullet. And he agreed with that passage. Like there is immediate.

This. You read it and you think. Okay. So did the Bible just say. Christian wives should be doormats. Is that what it says?

That is the Christian wife. Your husband just rolls over you. Or is it just saying. That this is a personality type. Like you read that. And immediately think.

Gentle. Quiet. Spirit. Like is it just saying. You have to be this type of person. To follow well.

And is it saying. That women are less than. Or not as good. Not as strong. Not as smart. Does it.

Like is it saying. That obviously. Men are better than women. And therefore. This is how this should work. So just to clarify some of that.

So that we can actually walk through this text. And try to really listen to it. One of the things the Bible says. In first Corinthians. Is. That the husband is the head of the wife.

And it keeps going through. And it says like. Or in the same way. That God is the head of Christ. So. Immediately.

It cannot mean. By headship being placed on the husband. Which means leadership. Responsibility. Weight. It cannot mean.

That he is. Better than. His wife. Because. If that's what it meant. If that's what that relationship was.

Then it would mean. That God the father. Is better than Jesus. But the Bible is clear. That that is not true. That they are.

In the Trinity. We believe in the Trinity. Which means that. God has existed. From eternity. As God the father.

God the son. God the holy spirit. Three persons. One God. Forever. Say that again.

God the father. God the son. God the holy spirit. Are three persons. One God. And have existed.

In eternity. As that. Now if that's confusing to you. That is because. That is confusing. Amazing.

So. I think it was Augustine said. Try to figure the Trinity out. And you'll lose your mind. Get rid of the Trinity. And you'll lose your soul.

So. It's important. It's weighty. But it is. It's not how things work in our brain. So.

But. What it means is. That God the father. God the son. And God the holy spirit. Are equal.

In worth. In value. In might. In God. In godness. They're all equally God.

They're all equally to be revered. And to be loved. But. They show deference. They do different things. So Jesus on earth says.

He's submitting to the will of the father. He prays in the garden. Not my will. But yours be done. And then it says that. In Philippians.

That God gave him the name. That is above every name. So that at the name of Jesus. Every knee will bow. Every tongue will confess. The holy spirit speaks.

Only what he's. What he hears. And points always back to Jesus. But Jesus. While he was on earth. Said.

Blasphemies against the father. And against the son. Will be forgiven. But none will be forgiven. Against the holy spirit. So there's this consistent.

Deference. And difference. In role. But not. In equality. So.

In the marriage. Wives. Are designed. To function. In a certain way. And husbands.

Are designed. To function. In a certain way. By the way. God created us. And doesn't have anything to do with worth.

It doesn't have anything to do with intelligence. It doesn't have anything to do with ability. So I. I can. And have. And look into relationships.

And can. We can all look into them. And say. This. This lady. Is smarter.

Than her husband. And more equipped. To lead. The bible. Is okay with that. But the bible.

Is still going to place. The weight of headship. And leadership. On the man. Because that's what he was designed to do. Now.

His wife. Is supposed to be a part of that. Helping. Serving. Working. To make things good in their home.

But it doesn't. It doesn't mean that the roles change. Based off of ability. Because it's not about ability. And it doesn't mean that. Wives should be.

Doormats. Or not involved. Or not speak their mind. Or not have opinions. And we'll see later why. As he kind of clarifies.

As we go through. So. Just realize. He's speaking about creation. Why we were designed this way. And he's going to actually speak.

And because you were designed this way. This is how this ought to look. And so he starts off. And I think he clarifies. In some ways. In the very first sentence.

That this applies to everybody. What he says is. Likewise wives. Be subject. To your own husbands. So that even if some.

Do not obey the word. Okay. So what he just said was. Wives. Submit to. Follow.

Be subject to. Your own husbands. Which there's something beautiful there. He says your own husbands. It does not say. Women.

Be subject to men. It doesn't say that. So this doesn't apply. Across the board. Between men and women. It applies between.

Husbands and wives. Wives. Be subject to your own husbands. Even if some. Don't obey the word. So.

It's kind of like when Jesus says. Love your enemies. That includes. People who are annoying. Enemies. Annoying.

See how that works. So when he says. So that even if some. Don't obey. So this.

Includes. All the way up to. Wives. Who husbands. Are not Christians. So it also.

Includes. Non-Christians. I mean. Husbands. Who are Christians. Who are in sin.

Who aren't in sin. It includes. All of. All husbands. Now. Let me specifically.

Say this. Peter. Is speaking. Into very difficult. Situations. For wives.

Especially. In his context. If you are a part of our church family. Or if you're just here today. And you are in an abusive relationship. We want to help you.

In any way we possibly can. We want to help you. So any way that you can get in contact with us. We want to help. Um. We'd like to have.

A nice. Sit down chat. With your husband. Um. If that would be helpful. Um.

But in any way we possibly can help. We want to help. So contact us. In any way you can get a hold of us. But. For all wives.

What he is saying. Is. You're. You're in this relationship. And your role in this relationship. Is to be subject.

Submissive to. And following your husband. And what he says is. Even if you're. If some do not obey the word. They may be won.

Without a word. By the conduct. Of their wives. Now here's what's beautiful. Some of you are married to non-Christians. Or.

Christians who aren't obeying. Who aren't following well. Who aren't leading well. And. Peter just spoke in. And said.

Here's how to handle that situation. You have not been left alone. You have not been left without guidance. God has spoken into this situation. And what he says is. You actually get to speak more.

Through your conduct. Through your attitude. Than through your words. That the primary way. That you get to relate to your husband. Is not verbally.

And I know that hurts some of your hearts. But the primary way. That you get to relate to your husband. Is not through words. Now. I don't think it means.

You don't share the gospel with them. I don't think it means. If you've got a believing husband. That you don't point out his sin. That's one of the things Anna does for me. It's in a very gracious way.

She helps me see my sin. Um. And that's actually one of the ways. That she serves and ministers to me. But what it means.

Is that your primary relationship. To your husband. Is not words. But your attitude. Your response to him. And how you walk through difficult situations.

So. Let me give you an example of this. And here's why I think this means more. And has more of an impact. If you and your husband disagree on something. Which is going to happen.

And you. Tell him. What ought to happen. This is how this ought to play out. This is what would be a good decision here. This is what we ought to do.

Here's how most relationships will work. And what we're taught that most relationships will work. One of you will win. One of you will get your way. If you disagree. At some point.

You're either going to agree. But if there's no coming to an agreement. One of you will win. This is the relationship your husband is used to. Expects in most all of his relationships. This is how it works.

One of you will get your way. A lot of times your husband just gives up. Because he's tired of the argument. Maybe your husband's really aggressive. And he just gets his way. But here's what happens.

When the situation plays out. If he is right. He feels justified. And justified against you. Feels like. See.

Told you. Because there was an argument. There was conflict. And there was. It didn't come to a gracious conclusion. If he is wrong.

He feels justified. Because you were mean about it. I'm just telling you how men work. It's not how this ought to work necessarily. But this is what they do.

We're sinful. But I'm just helping you out. Yeah. You were right. But you were a jerk.

So whatever. Like you. We disagreed. And you got your way. And you fought for it. Whatever.

Good. It never leads to. Health. Joy. Peace. It doesn't.

And some of that's because of the way men react sinfully. And some of it's because. That's not how it's designed to work. So. Here's what can happen. As you walk into these situations.

As you step into this situation. What you do is you get to say. Here's what I think. Here's what I believe. Here's how this should work. Here's what I see to be true and right.

But I'm on your team. So I want to clearly say where I stand on this. But I'm on your team. And whatever happens. Whatever. Whatever we end up doing.

I'm with you. If he's right. He feels justified with you. Feels like you're on his team. Wants to hear more of what you have to say. Is willing to hear more of what you have to say.

If he's wrong. He doesn't want to be wrong anymore. Doesn't feel justified. Doesn't feel okay in it. Feels like I've got someone with me. Who's for me.

With me. Told me this was a bad idea. I led into it anyway. It changes the nature of the relationship. When wives step in and say. I'm on your team.

I will follow. And so what happens. Is that your primary relationship with your husband. Is not through your words. The conduct of your attitude. In that relationship.

Changes his heart. More than anything will. More than you being right or wrong. Will. In your words. It's way more your approach.

And that's what Peter's saying. He's also graciously. Giving us a yield sign. In our relationships. So what a yield sign is.

Is when two people are coming to a crossroads. One of you needs to slow down. So there's not a wreck. And the yield sign. By God's design. Has been placed in the lane.

That the wife is in. This is a way. To graciously keep you. From train wrecking. Or constantly having. Accidents.

And explosive relationship. Where at some point. Someone's got to yield. The yield sign's been placed. In the wife's lane. Out of God's grace.

For the relationship. Now. A few more things. I just want to be helpful. Here on the without a word part. The easiest thing to do.

In your marriage. Is to notice what is wrong. And say it out loud. Some of you are very good at it. It's the easiest thing to do. How come you never.

Why don't you. I was over at their house. And they. If you only. I wish you would. Why on earth.

Just to notice. This wasn't done. This hasn't happened. Why is this box still on the floor. I know you had to step over this. To leave the house.

How on earth have you not seen this. What is wrong with you. If I wasn't here. You would die. Maybe all true. It's part of what makes it so annoying.

They're all valid points. Here's the problem. It's the easiest thing to do. And it never is an addition. To your relationship. It never adds to health.

It never adds to joy. And it actually doesn't change your husband. It does. In a short run. Short run. And a can.

Get me to. Cut the grass. This weekend. She can. She can belittle me. And harass me.

And tell me how terrible I am. And I will cut the grass. This weekend. I will cut the grass. I will not like her. I will cut the grass.

I will not be excited about my marriage. But I'll cut the grass. It always works in the short run. Eventually it breaks down. You can only beat your husband so long. You can only whip him into shape so long.

And let me tell you something. That will help you. And this is just. It's really in the text. It's trying to be helpful. You.

Wives. Are the person. Who gets to speak into your husband. The most. Out of anybody else in the world. Used to be his parents.

Now does you. If you follow him around for years. Telling him he's a failure. Telling him he's dumb. Telling him he makes bad decisions. Pointing out everything he does wrong.

The best you can get out of that. Is that he believes you. Option one. And fits right into the role you've marked out for him. Or. He spitefully tries to prove you wrong.

But he is not on your team. And he does not like you. And whenever he does. What you wanted him to do. He feels justified. And is mad at you.

Never leads to anything good. Here's the thing you get to do with your words. To be helpful to your husband. You get to be. Champion of his strengths. And some of you are like.

Ah. I got my work cut out for me. Yeah. Find some. Find some strengths. Point them out.

Let me just give you a really. When you see fire. Blow on it. As helpfully as I can say that to you. When you see. What I have seen wives do all the time.

And I don't understand this. People do this in general. But wives do this. I've seen in relationships. You want your husband to lead. You want him to take charge.

I just wish he would lead. I wish he would take charge. I just wish. I just wish. And then he does. And you know what you respond with?

About time. Finally. I wish you'd have been real nice. If you'd have done that sooner. And what happened was. There was a tiny spark.

And you went. He does not want to keep doing that. You punished him for doing what he was supposed to. When there's a tiny spark. Do this. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Lord help me. Oh. That's what you need to do. And I'm just.

I'm serious. The one time he does a dish. Don't say. Thank you for finally doing dishes. Come over to him and say. I have never seen a man look sexier with a scrub brush.

I appreciate that you know how much that bothers me. And that you don't just leave stuff laying around. That you do dishes. Anna does this to me. The next day. You know what I'm doing?

Dishes. Dishes. Dishes. Dishes. Dishes. She says.

I just. I tell you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate. That the grass is cut. That you care about what our house looks like. That you know it means something to me.

It makes me want to. She's taking the little things that I kind of do right. She. My wife says stuff like this to me. She'll go. Did you try to clean in here?

Yes. You did good. And then she'll say. I think you're done here. Which means. You will not get this any better than this.

And that's okay. And she'll say. I appreciate you. And I'll say. Thanks. Every once in a while.

And this is the. This. Indicates how terrible I am at cleaning. She will show up. The house will look terrible. I have done nothing.

And she'll go. Did you clean? And I always respond with. Yeah. Sure did. And then.

They usually have to admit that I'm lying. But. When you see fire. Blow on it. Here's the other thing. That I want to help you out with.

If your husband doesn't lead. And every time he drops a ball. You pick it up. He'll keep dropping balls. If every time he lets something slide. You step in.

If every time something's out of control. You'll step in and control the situation. He will continue. Forever. To not. And he will feel justified.

Because you lead. So you'll say. You need to lead. And he will think. Can't. You're doing everything.

Can't lead. Every time something happens. Leave a gap. When something's going on. And he's like. Just say.

I trust you. I believe in you. Do you know how empowering that is. And how terrifying. To have your wife say that to you. Oh.

You'll take care of it. I believe in you. Immediately. You're like. Yeah. Holy goodness.

Yes. I wonder if she really believes that. If she's tricking me. But it makes you want to. Like. Leave a gap.

Step back. Let some things run into the wall. And look at your husband. And say. You'll take care of this. And he'll actually begin to lead.

If every time something gets messed up. You step in. You take control. You hop in and fix it. He won't. He won't lead.

He won't be able to. The other thing is. Wives. If you tell your husband. What to do all the time. He can't lead.

And here's why. As soon as you say to your husband. This is what you need to do. Do this. Stop doing this. Here's what happens.

Leading in that situation. Has been removed from the table from him. Here are his options. Do what you told him to. He will never feel like he's leading. If he's doing what you told him to.

Don't do what you told him to. Spitefully. What if you told him. To do something good. And his best way. To actually do.

Be his own man. Is to do the opposite. As soon as you tell him. Do this. Leading has been removed from the table. He can't.

So. How does Peter say. Wives ought to relate to their husbands. Without a word. By the conduct. Of their wives.

When they see your respectful. And pure. Conduct. Which means that you look like a Christian. That's pure conduct. And respectful is.

That you treat them with some deference. Some I believe in you. Some grace. You give them room to fail. You don't beat them up. Do not let your adorning.

Be external. The braiding of hair. And the putting on. Of gold jewelry. Or the clothing you wear. But let your adorning.

Be the hidden person. Of the heart. With the imperishable beauty. Of a gentle. And quiet spirit. Which in God's sight.

Is very precious. Ladies. How much does our culture reinforce. That beauty is internal. That is correct. That is how much.

Our culture does not reinforce that very much. Every once in a while. You have a movie. Or some sort of an ad. That tries to say that. But mostly.

Our culture. Says. Beauty is external. Value. Is external. How beautiful are you?

How good do you look? How much skin do you show? How much can you. Attract men through your physicality. That's where we place value. There are two.

Christian colleges. In our state. Christian colleges. In our state. That have beauty pageants. Pageants.

Pageants. That's the plural for pageant. That have beauty pageants. And the winner. Gets a scholarship. Found that out this week.

That's cute. What Peter is saying is. Beauty is not external. Do you want to know what makes you beautiful. Year. After year.

After year. After year. And actually allows you to become more beautiful as you age. Your attitude. Your heart. Who you are as a person.

And that actually to your husband. Can become the most beautiful thing. To where you actually can grow old together. And he can find you more beautiful every year. But here's what's even more beautiful about that.

Is what it says. Is that it's beautiful to God. The imperishable beauty. Which means it doesn't get old. It doesn't. Start to fade.

It doesn't need a facelift. The imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Which in God's sight is very precious. God looks on it and says. That's beautiful. When a wife submits to her husband.

Follows his leadership. Is gracious towards him. Now. It's not a personality type. It says spirit. Gentle and quiet spirit.

It does not mean. Can't be volume wise loud. There's some ladies who read that. And go. I have never been described as gentle or quiet. All the notes that they sent home with me to my parents.

Said the opposite. This does not mean change your personality. It does mean tone. Attitude. So I'm a quiet person.

Let me take that back. When I'm angry. I'm a quiet person. So I had two brothers. My response to anger was punch. Not keep.

Not say words. I didn't have verbal arguments. I had. Please stop. Stop. Pow.

That was my. Carried that into high school. Got me into trouble. But. In my marriage. I just don't get loud.

I don't go volume. I don't go flashbang. But Anna. Knows. My angry voice. Because it is me.

Intentionally. Overriding. The part of me. That doesn't want to talk when I'm angry. And making myself say words. And saying them very intentionally.

So I will talk like this. So. I will talk like this. Anna. What I was trying to say. In that situation was.

And she'll say. Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling. Because I don't. I don't get loud. Volume doesn't go up.

This is. When actually. When I first started preaching. When I'm really in an intense moment. And trying to think of the words really clearly. I'll go.

Into. That voice. And Anna would leave. And go. I feel like you just yelled at me. For an hour.

That was terrible. And it's like. And it took me a while. To figure out what she was talking about. I was like. I didn't yell.

Tone. Attitude. So some of you can be very quiet people. And can absolutely not have a gentle and quiet spirit. Towards your husband. You can follow him around and go.

I told you that was what was going to happen. I wish. Sometimes. I pray about this. That I hadn't married. An idiot.

Okay. Volume. Low. Gentle and quiet spirit. Not so much. Some of you.

Can't. Talk. Quietly. Ever. It's a good thing we don't have a confessional. Forgive me father.

For I have sin. Like. It'd be terrible. It'd be like. Alright. This person's up.

Everybody out in the room. Like. You just can't. You're not quiet. That's okay. That's not what it means.

It doesn't. It's gentle and quiet spirit. It is your approach. It is your tone. It is how you graciously approach your husband. Speak to.

Build up. Love. Have grace for. It does not mean. Volume. You.

Okay. Okay. Here's what Peter just said. Submit to your husband. Be subject to your husband. Which means that.

Being subject means. As he makes decisions. You're kind of in tow. Like you're. His. His decisions.

His. Like. If. Okay. Be subject to your husband. Uh.

Your primary relationship is. Is to be. Win him over without words. But through your conduct. Which means that. You.

You don't get to just tell him what to do all the time. You don't get to tell him how he's terrible all the time. You don't. Which is super fun. And probably true a lot of times. You don't.

You don't get to step in and lead. And take over. Like. And that you're. It's the inner person. That is absolutely beautiful.

That gets to grow. And be fostered. So the question. Is. How. How.

How can you be married to someone. And watch them make terrible decisions. And not hop in and take over. How. How can you be married to someone. And watch them.

Not doing anything. Being lazy. And. And not point it out. Not try to get them to do what they're supposed to do. How can you read the text.

Like we're going to look at next week. That says. Here's what a husband ought to do. And not. Not help that happen. Wives.

You see so clearly. So often. What ought to happen. How. How on earth. And so Peter answers that question.

Verse five. For this is how the holy women. Who hoped. In God. Used to adorn themselves. By submitting to their own husbands.

As Sarah obeyed Abraham. Calling him Lord. And you are her children. If you do good. And do not fear anything. That is frightening.

Okay. For this is how the holy women. Who hoped in God. What he's going to say. Is that your primary relationship. In your marriage.

Is to God. Your hope. And your trust. Is not in your husband. It's in God. Your faith.

Is not in your husband. It's in God. And that submission to. Your husband. Is first and foremost. Submission to.

And trust in. God. God. But he gives us an example. Sarah and Abraham. If you're familiar with Sarah and Abraham.

This is a very. Very helpful example. So he. What he says is. And he says. As he.

She called him Lord. Now. Lord there is not. God. Lord. Like it's used in the Old Testament.

It really means sir. It just means she was respectful. He was just indicating. Here's a time. Where we see her showing respect. And he's basically pointing to their relationship.

And says. Her general attitude towards Abraham. Was one of grace. One of respect. That she was. Gave deference to him.

And so here's the story of Abraham. And Sarah. Just to help you out. Some of the highlights from their relationship. God tells them. They're going to have a baby.

And they're super old. Oh. First he tells them. Leave your family. And move to a place. That I'll tell you later.

And Abraham says. Come on honey. She says. Where are we going? He's like. Heck if I know.

God told me. And she goes. So we know that at that point. She went. We don't know how. Up for this she was.

We just know she went. Then God says. I'm going to make a nation out of y'all. Through your own children. And then they. They do some.

Make some kind of poor decisions. But God keeps making this promise to them. And so they keep trusting. At different points. Sarah just follows Abraham. Twice.

Two times. One time. And then again another time. Abraham. Abraham. Who.

His wife Sarah. Was apparently very attractive. Externally. He's saying that she had internal beauty as well. But apparently.

Externally she was attractive. I think the Hebrew word they use is tenderoni. Probably shouldn't have said that. But it's out there now. That's not a Hebrew word. But.

So. She. She. At different times. He says. We're going into a situation.

And what he says to her is. When we get there. People are going to think you're attractive. They're going into different towns and villages. He says. Tell them.

You're my sister. This is her husband. Tell them you're my sister. So that. They won't hurt me. To get to you.

We'll just tell them you're my sister. And then they can just kind of like have you or whatever. As long as we're in this town. Because you're good looking. And I don't want to like. Carry the weight of.

I don't know. Protecting and defending you. Or like in this situation. I don't know. Leading well. So let's tell them you're my sister.

And twice. People took her to be their wife. Twice. Let's play a game. It's called. Good husband.

Bad husband. I'm going to give a scenario. And you're going to guess. Does this make a good husband. Or a bad husband. You go on a date.

To a restaurant. It's got a bar. But it's a restaurant. It's not just a bar. And a large man comes over to your table. He's had some drinks.

He has some tattoos. He seems overly friendly to you. And a little overly aggressive to your husband. He begins to hit on you. And you look at your husband like. Hey kid.

Do something. And your husband does the. I've got this. I've got this hands. And he looks at the guy. And says.

My sister Clarice and I were just talking. Your name's Clarice in this story. My sister Clarice and I were just talking. About how she has a hard time meeting good men. Aggressive men with tattoos. And I think this is just.

We all seem made for each other. I'm just going to let myself out. And. And y'all just have a nice evening. And he looks at you and says. Call me later.

Whatever. Uh. Good husband. Bad husband. Bad husband. Yes.

That was a fail. That was terrible. Like if he said that on match game. What's your perfect date? Our perfect date is. You pretend to be my sister.

Like. You would not have picked this guy. We could keep playing this game. But they all end with him saying. You're his sister. And it's always bad husband.

Uh. That's terrible. And what Peter says is. In the midst. Of weakness. Stupidity.

Immaturity. Your hope gets to be in God. Not your husband. Your trust gets to be in God. Not your husband. And.

Only then. Can you do all this other stuff. And here's what's so beautiful. And freeing about this. Let's read the last verse.

Um. Which is really. Kind of confusing. Verse six. As Sarah obeyed Abraham. Calling him Lord.

And you are her children. If you do good. Meaning. Follow this. And do not fear. Anything.

That is frightening. And do not fear. Anything. That is frightening. You know what Sarah was afraid of? Nothing.

She didn't care. She wasn't afraid of bears. She wasn't afraid of fire. Like. What? Do not fear anything that is frightening.

That's what. Frightening things. Elicit fear. That's what. That's why. That's what the word means.

Like. Recently. I got a call from my wife. Answer the phone. Chet. You've got to come home.

What's going on? There is a lizard. In our house. No. I'm not coming home for that. You've got to come home.

What. What am I. Like. It's a lizard. Like. This is not going to.

I said. You're okay. This lizard. It's not going to attack you. She's like. I don't.

I can't. I've got a baby. It's like. Lizards don't eat babies. While on the phone with her. I did say.

It's not a skink. Is it? She was like. Why? What? I was like.

No. That's probably not a skink. Why? What? What about skinks? Well.

Does he. What color is his tail? What about skinks? They will attack you. No. They won't.

Right. Lizards don't attack people. You are perfectly safe. I told her later. I was like. Just so you know.

I draw the line at lizard. I would come home for a snake. I will come home for a snake. Not for a lizard. So I get a call.

Like two weeks later. And she says. Chet. I moved. The little thing. Archer was laying on.

And. Underneath. There was a big spider. And I'm okay. Like. She'll kill spiders.

If I'm not there. Although. I am the cleanup crew. Sometimes I'll come home. And she'll be like. There's a spider under that book.

You got to take care of that. And usually. I'll be like. There's no spider here. He was there. She calls.

And says. There was a big. There was a spider. And. And then I was going to take care of him. But then I saw like.

Ants. But they weren't ants. This spider was a mother. And she has just given birth. To a bunch of baby spiders. In the middle of our living room.

And I was like. I am on the way home. Partially because. I don't want a bunch of spiders. In my house. Like.

I don't like spiders. So I was like. I'm coming home. We will take care of this. It doesn't mean that. It doesn't mean.

Don't be afraid of frightening things. It's not. What he's saying is. And this is so beautiful. And so freeing. What he's saying to wives.

Is this. You. Don't have to. Fix it. And you. Don't have to.

Pick up the slack. And you. Don't have to. Carry the weight. And you. Don't have to.

Make it work out. Somebody once said that. The biblical headship. Is God telling the wife to duck. So he can punch the husband.

And what he's saying is. There are frightening situations. Maybe you will go bankrupt. Maybe it will be foreclosed. Maybe he never gets sober. Maybe what you told him was going to happen.

Is exactly what was going to happen. Maybe you watch your husband. Derail everything. And you. Aren't the one. Who has.

To fix it. You get to trust. That God is big enough. And good enough. So much so that his son.

Came to earth. To die for you. To rescue you. To redeem you. And that on the cross. Forever proved.

That he is trustworthy. And that he is good. And when he rose from the grave. Forever made certain. Your inheritance. And you.

Do not have to walk around on earth. Placing your faith. And trust. And hope. In a man. Or.

In your ability. To fix everything. You actually get to. Hope in God. That's what he says. This is how the holy women.

Who hoped. In God. Used to adorn themselves. The only way. You can do all of this other stuff. Is if your trust.

And your hope. Are set firmly. In God. Who is sovereign. Who is in control. Who is capable.

And at that moment. When that. Becomes a reality for you. You actually can step back. You can follow. Flawed authority.

Because you know. That ultimately. You're in God's hand. You're a dearly loved child. That that attitude. And posture towards your husband.

Is called beautiful. And precious to him. And that he will guard you. And defend you. And work. In ways that you never can.

You get to step back. And pray. That God will wreck your husband. Lead him to repentance. Lead him to the cross. Change him.

Give wisdom. And you get to know. At all points. That that is what you're supposed to do. That you're following well. Because you actually.

Ultimately. Are submitting to Jesus. As you submit. And follow your husband. You're resting in faith. As you follow and trust.

And your ultimate trust. And your ultimate faith. And your ultimate belief. Gets to sit. Firmly. On Jesus.

Not on your husband. And in that way. You're freed up. To actually. Do what he just said. Which seems.

Very difficult. And very impossible. The band's going to come back up. We're going to sing. And some of you. Wives.

Are in. Tough situations. Friends. And you. You can see clearly. How it ought to work out.

You feel like. You know exactly. What needs to happen. Your husband doesn't deserve. To be followed. Or submitted to.

And the text never covers that. What it actually says is. That doesn't play. That doesn't come into play. Whether he deserves it or not. You get to know.

That your hope. And your trust. Is in a sovereign. Good. Generous. Capable.

Loving. Active. God. And the value of your husband. Doesn't come into play. Because your hope.

And your trust. Isn't in him in any way. And you're free. The weight. Of how your children turn out. The weight.

Of how your finances turn out. The weight. Of how. Decisions are made. You get to place your hope in God. You don't have to fix it.

You don't have to control it. You don't have to make it work out. You aren't in charge. Of how it ends. God has freely invited you. To have the cross.

Be the center of your marriage. And to trust. And to hope. In God. You've been invited into a very free. And very beautiful.

Way to have a relationship work. As God has designed it. Get to trust that he's trustworthy. And good. Some of you may need to repent. Of your.

Ability to find fault. And as you follow. And trust after God. You may need to work on. Becoming better at pointing out. Your husband's strengths.

And taking all the small fires. And feigning them into flame. But ultimately. In your relationship. You get to rest. Your husband's going to fail.

You're going to be bad at this. And Jesus is good. And his grace is sufficient. And he's in control. Of your relationship. And you get to trust him.

Hope in him. And in that way. Have a lot of joy. In your marriage. Father. We thank you.

We thank you. We thank you. That you have spoken. Into relationships. That you have. Offered us.

Wisdom. And grace. And we thank you. Lord. That. In all the difficult.

Situations. That wives get to sit. Firmly. In your hands. That marriages get to sit. Firmly.

On your shoulders. That you've given us. A way to. To function. With grace. And love.

Towards one another. And we ask. Lord. That you would bless. The marriages. In our church family.

That you would help. The single people. In our church family. To love. The married couples. To serve them well.

To point them. To the gospel. That you would lead us. All to repent. And fall. More in love.

With the cross. We thank you. Lord. For your grace. In Jesus name. Amen.

Amen.