The Fifth Commandment (Exodus 20:12)

Use this guide to help your group discussion as you meet this week.

The Fifth Commandment (Exodus 20:12)

Chet Phillips

Transcript

My name is Chet I'm one of the pastors here grab a bobble and go to Exodus chapter 20. if you have one of these blue baubles in the seat in front of you it'll be page 35 we are back in the book of Exodus we took a few weeks off around Easter but we are working our way through Exodus and we've slowed down some as we've hit the lawn we've been working our way through the Ten Commandments and we have covered the.

First four and the first four Commandments to deal with our relationship to God who he is who we are how we're to relate to him how we're to worship him and that the last six Commandments deal with our relationship with each other so it's there's a vertical aspect of the Ten Commandments and there's this horizontal relational aspect of the Ten Commandments and we are in the fifth commandment today when Jesus is asked what is the greatest commandment he says love the.

Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind with all your strength and he says in the second is like it that you would love your neighbor as yourself on these two hang all the law and the law grows out of the Ten Commandments and the Ten Commandments is structured in that way the first four to love the Lord our God and the last six are to love our neighbor and how to do that so let's read it's the Exodus chapter 20.

Verse 12. honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you I'm gonna read that one more time honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you uh Lord uh let's pray together um Lord we we're thankful for the way you designed the world to work we're thankful for the way you designed families to work I know as we read this that there's much difficulty um in how did we apply this how do we live this out there's much pain in these relationships there's a lot of joy in.

These relationships and so Lord we just pray that you would help us to listen well to your word this morning grow together as we seek to submit to you and to have the blessing that comes with honoring our fathers and mothers in Jesus name amen um so we said when we first started off looking at the Ten Commandments that there are different moral foundations for uh how are we to understand what is right and what is wrong and we said that there was a book called The Righteous Mind whereas a guy who's doing clinical psychologist who was just studying this he was studying the psychology of morality and he came up with categories and we.

Said that those categories were helpful and that you see them in the Bible although they're not listed out that way in the Bible and that in general God has all the categories and then cultures focus on highlight different ones and so we showed you this chart this is Western cultures the cultures that we're in right now the categories are at the bottom care and harm fairness loyalty Authority and sanctity but we're primarily versed in trained in we know all the lyrics to care and harm and fairness we we are concerned with Justice with Equity we're concerned with does everybody get a fair shake these are things that we discuss does everybody have an equal opportunity.

These are things that we are worried about and we are worried about harming someone we know that that's immoral to harm someone we say do whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt someone like we we're practiced in this but this commandment rests in authority which in general we're pretty low in if I was actually to to ask you or ask the average American to list off what are the dangers that come along with authority what are the things that are immoral and wrong that go along with authority most of us would turn this direction and talk about the abuse of authority that those who are in authority lorded over others those who are.

In Authority abuse their Authority that people are oppressed because of authority you would not have many people who would turn this direction and go the rejection of good authority is harmful we need more Authority and we need more submission to Authority imagine for a moment that you are at a child's birthday party for some of you this is not difficult to imagine you've been to four this month you raise your children and then you hang out with their friends on the weekend.

But imagine you're at a child's birthday party and you see a mother and she's wearing a shirt that says raise them kind yeah that's good that's a good way to raise your children uh uh no problem with that that's a general good concept like raise some kind you might think that's a little bold to think you need to wear that like you got to coach up all the other parents let's see how kind your kid's being but then that's just because you're a little aggressive and have some problems that's fine.

But in general it's a good statement nothing wrong with that t-shirt it's a good idea we should raise your children kind but imagine you're at the party and and that's not what her shirt says her shirt says raise them obedient now immediately we're like hmm I know that's not a mass-produced shirt so you went out of your way to make it um obedient how obedient to whom obedient why obedient all the time like we have honestly the shirt could say overthrow the government and we would give that less thought than raise them obedient and that tells you something about our culture and about our approach to understanding respecting and valuing good authority.

Because the Bible is not anti-authority it's anti-bat Authority but it's pro-good Authority it just bad things are bad and good things are good which isn't super insightful so we need to understand what what is good authority and why has God designed it this way so as we study this I think the first thing we need to see it says honor your father and your mother I think the first thing we have to ask is what does the word honor mean what is that word.

Well the word is coved and it means heavy or weighty there are a few times where it's used that way like in Genesis somebody's eyes are conveyed with age which means heavy with age they can't see well there's in Sodom gomor their sin is described as conveyed and it's translated Grievous but mostly this word is used to mean Glory honor it's mostly used the way we're supposed to treat God that we're supposed to honor God we're supposed to respect God we're supposed to approach him that he holds the weight I don't know.

If you've ever been in situations where you could tell that the room tilted to one person they were the weighty person at the table they were the weighty person in decision making people would discuss things but then they would all look to one person to like you're the person who's actually going to decide this and that's what's meant to happen with parents that they're to have weight that they're to have Glory and if that's the word that's primarily used for how we're to treat.

God you have to understand that this is learned in your relationship with your parents that they're the they set the framework they're the first people you know they're your primary relationship they set the framework for how is this ultimately going to translate into the rest of life and how's this ultimately going to translate into worshiping the Lord the second part of this that's what honor means that weightiness would shift to them I think we do need to acknowledge that in much of our culture and much of our relationships we flip this and that our children hold a lot of weight a lot of families are built around what did the kids want what do they.

Want to watch what do they want to eat what do they want to do with their time what are the kids doing our whole culture has shifted towards youth culture we are not a culture that reveres elderly people when we ought to and the Bible calls us to that but we're not a culture that does that we argue that they you know got to move out of the way make room for the next big thing we in our consumeristic culture we aim everything at like 15 to 25 year olds.

And so we have some work to do to try to learn how to apply this but the second part of this is that there's a promise it says honor your father and your mother that the days that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you and that's not just the I brought you into this world I'll snatch you out of it God's saying something more here Ephesians 6 when Paul was writing about this he says children obey your parents in the.

Lord meaning this is a Godly thing to do even as Christians we anchor it in Christ for this is right honor your father and your mother this is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land there's a promise attached to this commandment and it's not simply a one-to-one promise it is generally true for each child if they learn how to do this it blesses them it helps them live long in the land it helps life go.

Well with them but it's not a specific one-to-one promise it's not like if you meet someone who's a hundred that means definitively they were excellent at obeying or if someone's life Is tragically cut short that we can be like well I guess you didn't eat all your peas at home when you're it's not how that works it's not a direct one-to-one thing it's a promise to the nation that's why he says in the land that the Lord your God is giving you that this is a blessing to the people and that makes a lot of sense your initial primary relationship is to your parents it is where you learn what relationships are like.

And so it's a Proving Ground a practice ground for what this should look like and it's bad for society when children do not learn how to respect the authority of their parents Augustine is an African Church father says if anyone fails to honor his parents is there anyone he will spare this is why it has a capital offense execution is applied in cases of rejection of authority of parents in Exodus in Leviticus and in Deuteronomy for cursing your parents striking your parents and long lifetime rejection and Rebellion against your parents all of those are capital offenses one of them actually says bring them together Stone them and let the community.

See and fear but it's not a far jump to understand that if we raise Sons who don't learn to respect authority if we raise sons who don't learn how to understand where boundaries are specifically mothers if you raise sons that don't have to listen to you and they never learn to follow a boundary set by another lady it's not a far jump to understand how that translates into society and so this is the place where we are to learn to live in relationships and there's a promise of blessing.

When we do this well that the the nation is blessed Kevin De Young Who out quite a few times because he wrote he's a pastor and wrote a book on the Ten Commandments and I thought some of his Insight was helpful he said is it not too much to say that loving your neighbor begins with Mom and Dad I think that's helpful to understand why this matters so we're going to ask three questions today we're gonna try to answer three questions.

Today how do we honor our parents how do we raise children to honor us and what do we do when our parents are dishonorable how do we honor our parents how do we raise our children to honor us and what do we do when our parents are dishonorable okay first question how do we honor our parents John Calvin says that this word honor includes three things and I think they're helpful for trying to break it out a little bit reverence obedience and gratitude.

So good handles on what should honor look like reverence obedience and gratitude reverence you show them respect you show them deference he treats them the way you would treat think of someone that like if you met the president how would you act that's the weight that's supposed to shift towards your parents some some sincere genuine honor glory weightiness reverence it means that we should watch how you speak to your parents there should be yes sirs and yes ma'ams there should be uh you shouldn't cut them off.

When they're talking you shouldn't disregard what they say you shouldn't roll your eyes you should stop and let them speak you should hear them out it should be genuine respect in how we speak to and interact with our parents you should watch how you speak not only to your parents but about your parents some of us are in a habit of dissecting our parents belittling our parents speaking ill of our parents and it's dishonoring and we need to be careful that we honor our parents there to be treated with reverence my granddad was a missionary in Nigeria and he I was at his house.

For Christmas and somebody came by and he said when did they get here I was like I think they've been here as one of my cousins and he said I miss Nigeria and I was like why he said you didn't go to a house without first presenting yourself to the Baba and you didn't leave a house without presenting yourself to the Baba and he's like I don't like people just being in my house they need to come present themselves to me and culturally we don't have a lot of that.

But we need to figure out as Christians how to how to build in respect and deference to our parents so reverence obedience do what they tell you to do this is specifically most clear for the children that live at home with your parents right now when they ask you questions like will you sweep it's not really a question you just say yes not no thank you when they say go do this you go do it it shouldn't be a labored discussion you should obey and you should obey.

When you're asked to do something yes ma'am yes sir you should um no huffing no stomping no eye rolling no groaning it shouldn't be hey I need you to go do this and you go foreign that's irreverent dishonoring you are to obey now immediate American question is what are the limits on obedience what if I'm getting older what are the like how much do I obey that's great for I'm glad you said that to my kids but me obey I'm older how do I do that in relation to my parents I will say I think Kevin young has a helpful Point here.

So I'm going to read his quote he said parents should not expect the same obedience from grown children as they did when their children were young so for those of you who have grown children you can't call them up and say hey my pastor said obey your parents clean your room quit that job I hate break up with that person I dislike and come back here like you can't it's not going to be exactly that he says we see a Divine Design in Genesis that.

Jesus later reiterates in Matthew 19. a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two will become one flesh there is a making of your own household that loosens the obedience but you still have to operate in the honor category and I will submit to you that because that is often our first question it is not something we are in drastic danger of what I mean is I don't think there's many people in this room who have become adults and think I just got to learn how to not immediately directly obey everything my parents tell me to do that's the thing I have a problem with I would submit.

To you that you actually need to begin heading in the other direction and start showing more honor and obedience to your adult parents in a gracious way because we don't celebrate that culturally but there is a need for some of that even as you are older in a way to show deference and honor to your parents it's difficult should be carried out with wisdom but it is a way to honor our parents even as we grow older and as they grow older.

Third one gratitude be thankful y'all I have two sons and I'm not exaggerating that I have literally not figuratively saved their lives thousands of times sometimes multiple times in the same day should I wear a cape probably but this is parenting you are here because your parents literally not figuratively saved your lives thousands of times mostly what your parents did we're going to talk about some mistakes and some sins we'll talk about that in a little while but for most of us mostly what your parents did just try their best feed you clothe you help you go to school sought to help you succeed in life gave you counsel that you disliked.

Because they like you told you things you did not want to hear because they love you mostly what your parents did was lose their hair give up their waistline give up their money give up their time so that you could exist as a real person in the world and they need to be told thank you they need to be treated with some appreciation and gratitude and for those of you who live at home with your parents everybody can make a phone call.

Today everybody can set up a meal everybody can just say how I want to talk a little bit I want to check in and see how things are going everybody can do that potentially but for those of you who live at home with your parents you will have multiple opportunities this very day to say thank you because I'm willing to bet that your parents go out of their way quite often to help your life be better it's quite possible when you get home there will be food there will be some clothes there will be parents they're genuinely trying to help you enjoy life and succeed in life and there will be many opportunities.

For you to just say thank you they fix a meal that you don't like well guess what they still fed you so you don't have to say I don't like this meal you can say thank you for cooking yeah you can show gratitude for the care that has offered you and we ought to so how do we honor our parents reverence obedience and gratitude next question how do we raise our children to honor us if your children are going to obey their parents.

If they're going to honor their parents they're going to be taught to do this by their parents because you teach them everything you do this all the time and so you have to understand that this is a thing that you ought to be teaching them for their good the reason you do this is not because they will annoy you if you don't that's just a perk it's not the reason the reason you do this is because you want them to to live.

Well and long in the land you want them to have joy you want them to have life that's the whole thing that you're doing all the time with your children is you're working for their good and so this has to be added as a category of a thing that you're going to help them do and we're not set up well as Americans to do this because the wielding of authority makes you feel uncomfortable potentially there's a potential for you to feel like I just feel.

So bossy I feel so demanding I feel like I'm just in my child's way we've been trained by our culture that what your job as a parent to do is to help your child blossom into the person they're going to be help them find themselves almost in some ways they're perfect on their own you just kind of get out of their way we're taught that your parents mess you up they don't help you y'all we're Christians we know that's nonsense if your child figures out who they are on their own we know what that is a sinner.

Look at little Timmy he's blossomed into a real jerk well I'm glad God gave him some parents somebody needs to help him out because on their own they're not just going to find every good and perfect way that God has designed for them to be some good authority in their life and so you need to understand that this is one of the roles that you occupy and you do this naturally with other things you're you're doing this all the time with your children you're helping them know what is right and what is wrong what is good and what is not and you need to understand that part of that is that they would honor.

Respect you and that's not prideful it's good for them so this is how we oh I want there's four C's we're gonna talk about I'm going to say them to you quickly and then we'll get into running through them fairly quickly as well you need consistency this is four keys to helpfully trying to train your children to honor and to respect to obey consistency correction consequences and celebration the last one could be reward but then it wouldn't be four C's so you're welcome four C's all right here's what we often do in parenting this is what parenting should.

Look like sorry Freedom should increase with age when your children are little when they're first born they have no choices whatsoever the older they get they should have more choices but two and three and four-year-olds should have very limited choices do you want to go to bed now or do you want to read a book first and then go to bed do you want to eat green beans or corn these are do you want this haircut or this haircut you want me to tighten it up or shave it all off those are the choices I give my sons like what you got some limited choices sometimes they have no choices at all eat this I.

Don't like this no that's incorrect you're supposed to say thank you sometimes they have no choices I give this choice to my children quite a lot when we went out to restaurants I would say you can calm down and eat your food with a good attitude or we can go outside I will spank you and then we will come back inside and you will calm down and eat your food with a good attitude which would you like to do and I had someone tell me one time we left and they said that was really manipulative and I said no it was not those were his actual choices he had no.

Third option and I'm trying to help him learn how to choose well but over time we increase the freedom The Hope being that when it's time to leave our house they're ready they know how to make choices we've helped get them there we've helped them think through that but here's what happens quite often is this chart we start off no rules let them just figure it out because a defiant three-year-old is cute they're a rascal a defiant little mischievous four-year-old in some way.

So many ways is precious because they can't they can't really harm you they can't really harm the people around them they can be aggravating and frustrating but you love them and so often as a parent you're just like oh well you know but the problem is at 10 11 12 13 14 those cute behaviors of rebellion and Defiance and disrespect are not cute they are dangerous and you freak out and you clamp down well then no phone no no you bring the hammer down and it doesn't go.

Well and your problem is not a new problem you say what is going on with them it's like this has been going on for 12 years so we don't want this chart if you're there by God's grace you can labor well but the Hope being that we would have the other chart so let's go through really quickly consistency all that means is do the same thing all the time all the time all the time isn't that tiring yes it is exhausting that you have to have the same rules all the time whether you are tired or they are tired whether you have eaten and whether they have eaten like these are these have to be.

The same all the time otherwise they don't know where the boundaries are it's a good way to make somebody psychotic you've got to have some good structure on this is what this looks like all the all the all the time I uh my when my oldest son was three and four I'd wake up in the morning stretch lace my shoes up because I was about to fight a three-year-old for 12 hours he was not easy there's a there's a quote from Jurassic Park.

When they're talking to the game warden and they ask are the Velociraptors smart and he goes oh they're smart and he looks at him and he says they were testing the fences for weaknesses systematically and they remember that was my four-year-old so the fence had to be there every day all the time and I would just look at him and go it hadn't moved like we're gonna you want to keep running into it it's the same thing but it has to stay.

So you need consistent correction you correct your children all the time you say things like no that's not green that's blue no that no that's not a cat that's a dog you you already all the time correcting your children one of the things you have to put in there is that you correct them on disrespect you say to them I have my oldest son at times will just come in hot with a question he'll start off with okay but why did I say stop I'll say try again I'm your daddy you want to talk to Ellis like that go.

For it or I'll say oh boy who are you talking to he'll say mama and I'll go okay no you ain't not like that sometimes I say who are you talking to and he'll go Ellis I'm gonna carry on but you're just correct you just said that's not no no that's not how you respond like I'm telling you I give my boys food and they'll say I don't like this and I'll say no that's incorrect that's not how you respond when someone gives you food.

Because you want people to feed you and you're dependent on other people to feed you what do you say when people give you food thank you there you go you nailed it and it's just correction because you expect that they're going to have to operate in a way because you're working towards their joy that you're going to train them up to understand how to live a life where there's Authority because I y'all your world is a fake little world where you have to mimic some of the real world things.

Because you're going to send them out into the real world if you don't train your children how to interact with people all the people in their life who do not love them will teach them and they will teach them by not being their friend they will teach them by being really mean to them every teacher they have will stare at them with this angry look every face they meet people won't want to watch I've explained to my boys before if you don't learn how to.

Listen to me your granddad won't take you fishing and he won't tell you he's not taking you fishing but he'll think Hmm should I take them fishing and then he'll think no because they're the most aggravating children in the world and he won't call you up and say this to you you just won't get invited and he loves you and I love you and I want you to get to go fishing so do what I'm telling you to you coach them up that's the whole point.

Okay consequences should be consistent consequences and celebration this is very simple good behavior should get good results and bad behavior should get bad results that's it and you just need to think through was this a good behavior how does it get a good result was this a bad behavior has a bad result and you have to do that all the time so the thing that I said about the restaurants that's true I've done that with both of my sons because I want us to be able to go eat at restaurants it's one of my wife and I favorite things.

If we get more disposable income we just eat more y'all but that's it and so I want to be able to eat at the restaurant and they'll terrorize me so if they throw a fit at a restaurant and I pick him up and take him outside and let him play in the grass guess who's going to throw a fit at the restaurant again because he got a reward if you've ever watched me taking a child out of a restaurant who was screaming they're already screaming I'm pinching their leg.

So that you can't see you just think he's throwing a fit on his own he is not enjoying the walk outside because I don't want him to think that this is a good thing to have happen I'll pinch his leg real hard but just enough to like us uncomfortable I'm not trying to harm him it's just got to be a negative consequence we get outside we talk often they get popped we bring them back I've done this I've ruined whole meals like this.

Because I don't want every meal ruined and I want them to learn this isn't a good behavior there's a there's a better one so there should be consequences and you should have them and know what they are you should have set ones your children should know what they are I was hanging out uh was one of the first times I ever met this guy who ends up he ended up joining our community group and his daughters were there and they were doing something he told them to stop and they said they kept on he looked at him and said do you want a consequence and they both went like this one no sir I didn't.

Know what the consequence was but they knew what the consequence was I asked him later he said sometimes he just uses the word consequence so it gives him time to make up what it's going to be which I thought was brilliant he doesn't like signing himself up for something he's going to have to stick to in the moment so he just says consequence and he'll figure it out later but they knew there was going to be one and that's all I'm saying is you've got to figure out real consequences that actually translate help them understand that's the whole point.

Because there are real life consequences to all the things they're going to do for example if I tell you to sit down and you don't sit down or if I tell you to come to me and you don't come to me there's going to be a consequence and I try to explain to my sons one day we're going to be in a parking lot and I'm going to say stop and if we haven't practiced this a thousand times in our house you're going to get hit by a truck and I don't want you to get hit by a truck.

So you're going to get hit a little bit at my house with my hand popped just a little so that there's a deterrent so that we don't ever get there and that's that's what I'm talking about and for you it may be time out for you it's just got to be real to them that's all right greater consequences for defiance and Rebellion if you saw your son I came in the other day I saw my younger son holding some of the sharpest tweezers I've ever seen in my entire life and he was near his brother's face I have no clue what they were doing.

But on the off chance it was eye surgery I walked in I saw that I went hey no you know sometimes you just make noises at your children because you don't have words or the words you have aren't good ones to shout foreign hands up put the tweezers down and to do that because the risk levels through the roof well I at one point had to explain to my wife I said hey I've realized something I'm going to have to crank up the intensity on some of the things with our children it's not.

Because I've lost my cool or I'm enraged it's because what they're doing needs to be met in their mind with the same amount of intensity because it's got the same amount of problems coming down the line one of my sons turns and yells at his mother no I am up out of my chair boy if you lost your mind because I want him to understand this same level of this is not okay I need them to do like this for just a.

Second and then we get to the next part which is celebration your house if it's going to have consistent correction and consequences it needs consistent celebration it needs to be a place of Joy that's what you want so good things need good results you need to celebrate I often after disciplining my children well then I'll hold them I say look I love you I want good things for you I'm not out to get you I want our home to be a happy place I'll tell them all the time after they get disciplined I say.

Look we're going back out there and we're reset this isn't going to hang over our head all day this is a fun place this is Joy here y'all if I I learned I used to look at my little babies and I'd be like you're gonna eat that food because they fight you over every little thing and then they would eat it and I would just stare at them like you turn right you're gonna eat the food and I realized that was.

So messed up it just did what I asked so they eat it and then I go good yeah yeah multiple occasions with my son I've said do you want to leave the restaurant go get spanked you want to calm down and eat your own food and they go calm down and eat my own food and I go that's how would it be I'm proud of you that's brilliant do that because it's the truth there ought to be times where you brag on your children make it a rule don't speak negatively about your children in front of your children speak positively about your children in front of your children brag on them to your spouse do.

You know what he did do you know how good he is you can watch them swell up when you're going to rehearse something with them rehearse what they're going to do that's good I'll put them in bed at night instead of just saying if you get out of bed again and run down the hall you're going to get popped what I'll say is hey you're going to do a really good job tonight you're going to lay in bed you're gonna calm down you're going to go to sleep we're gonna have an enjoyable night this is the moment that's going to end our night this hug you're not going to have to get bopped we're going.

To build in that direction but there should be celebration sometimes it's a high five sometimes it's a smile sometimes it's ice cream you pick sometimes it's an extra book at night or whatever sometimes it's uh they get to go on a trip if they're older kids you get to do I know most of my illustrations are I got all illustrations up to eight I'll get them more as I go over time but you think about it what's a real celebration what's a real way to honor this what's a real way.

Because y'all it's not bribery it's how the world works bad behavior gets bad results good behavior gets good results and you want to train that one last one I know we got a lot of parents with smaller children one of the rules at my house is if you pout or cry or throw a fit you don't get whatever you were pouting crying or throwing a fit for that's just simply that I don't want to train you that in order to be happy you have to be miserable it's a weird psychological thing.

So we just learned you can be okay without getting the thing you want and if you throw a fit for it you won't get it but those sort of rules you design your own they're your children they just should have consistent things because we love them and God has designed for them to have a family we have Isaac and Spencer worked really hard to get a road map for parenting that is designed off of the age of your children things you should be talking to them about things they should know about.

Jesus it's on our website you should use that you need all the help you can get we all do and you should help train your children to love you to respect and honor you both mother and father specifically to dads don't get in a situation where you may get a point of Pride that your children listen to you and they don't listen to their mother don't do that you help design a household where they listen to their mother as well because they're supposed to honor both their.

Father and mother and their needs training in them okay yeah what do we do when our parents are dishonorable God by Design on purpose made it to where your parents have great weight in your life and parents that's a that's a heavy weight you need to understand for your children he by design made it to where what you do and say matters and that's good when it's good and that's bad when it's bad it's like when you go to take a test and this one's 50 of your grade.

For the whole semester that's kind of how parenting works it's parents have a lot of impact on their children and so for some of us that means that there were things that our parents did for most of us there are things that our parents did that were hurtful stuck with us changed how we thought about ourselves changed how we understood our place in the world some in this room had truly genuinely horrific parents then when I was saying earlier that mostly what they did was care.

For you that that wasn't even true and I'm sorry because that was not God's good design but we live in a fallen world if that's on this end even as you come back this way all of us have things that our parents did that they said that they did and they responded our parents are sinners who made mistakes who had lapses of judgment for for many of you your parents might have had you when they were quite young and just figuring it out some of you might have had parents that weren't Christians or became Christians later in life some of us had parents who had addiction issues anxiety issues problems with how they treated.

Spoke to people like did we grew up in difficult situations so what do we do for those who are currently at home with parents like this or for when you're thinking through how you to understand obedience in those sort of situations I want to read as we first start looking at this I want to read a quote from Kevin De Young he says are there limits to honoring parents in a word yes Authority can be abused in Acts chapter 5 we.

See a principle that has to do with governments but also parents Church leadership and any other authority over us if the choice is between obeying God or obeying Men We obey God if you're com if your parents command you to do what God forbids or forbid what God commands you cannot and must not obey your parents I'm going to read that again if your parents command you to do what God forbids or forbid what God commands you cannot and must not obey your parents.

But even in those hopefully rare cases there's still a way to be respectful and honor your parents even if they are asking something of you that they don't have the authority to ask yes there is a limit to obedience but as we follow this command we are all called to honor to show respect which is extremely painful to consider in some cases and what I would like to submit to you is that you cannot do this outside of Christ but in Christ we can do something that is radically counter-cultural we can honor parents who do not deserve it which does not translate it is not a conclusion you will come to in our culture.

But it is a conclusion that we can come to and something that we can operate in as Christians in a way that is counter-culturally brings great glory to Christ displays the love of the father and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit you see often we are trained culturally to dissect our parents to play up their weaknesses and the things they did to harm us and to understand that those have changed us in an immutable way that we are forever marked by what they did.

But as Christians we understand that Christ changes us that he renews us that he covers not only the things that we've done but the things that have been done to us and that we get to be made new in light of his goodness and we do not have to be forever marked forever stained forever held captive to what has happened to us and that is a glorious reality in Christ and from that position of being renewed from the position of being adopted with a good.

Father who loves us the way a father ought to we get to do something that only can be done in Christ we get to prayerfully by the empowerment of the spirit extend forgiveness and Grace and honor and the reason that can only be done in Christ is because it can't be done in you can say all the time I just don't have the ability to do this and that's right I can't forgive them that's right not on your own not in your power and it can't be done in them.

Because they don't deserve it so if it's about you or if it's about them it won't work there's no way to do it but if it gets to be anchored in Christ the love of the Father the empowerment of the spirit then there gets to be Grace and forgiveness and by God's grace Lord willing some of us will get to lead our parents who deserve great condemnation we'll get to lead them to Christ Who Bore great condemnation so that Sinners could be justified and the only way to do that is in his goodness and in his grace.

And so by God's will and by his empowerment we can be people who honor our parents and raise children to honor us through the Gospel let's pray God we thank you for our parents we thank you for the role that you designed for them to play we thank you for all the moms and the dads in this room who have so often failed and so often succeeded we thank you for the role that you've given them we pray that they would take it seriously that they would walk in the grace that you provide we pray specifically.

Lord for those this morning who do not have a good relationship with their parents that you would help them to First have a good relationship with you that they would know the grace provided them in Christ that they would know the love of the father that they would know the comfort of the spirit and that they then then by the empowerment of the spirit might begin to work to learn how to walk this out in a difficult situation we love you and we praise you in.

Jesus name amen the band's going to come back up and we are going to sing together I know that some of you are in a difficult spot with your parents I know that some of you are in a difficult spot with your children and we would be happy as your pastors to help you think and help you pray and help you process so I would invite you to go on to our website to the care forum and fill it out and we can get something set up with you love y'all.

Wisdom and Parenting (Proverbs 3:1-8, 11-12)

Use this guide to help your group discussion as you meet this week.

Wisdom and Parenting

Chet Phillips

Transcript

Of the gospel. It's in Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Well, good morning. It's good to see you. Good to see you all this morning.

Grab your Bibles. Go to Proverbs chapter 3. My name is Chet. I'm one of the pastors here. We are working our way through the book of Proverbs. The book of Proverbs is a bit different from other books in the scriptures.

It is a lot of proverbial sayings, a lot of collections of wisdom. And as we go through this, we're going to take some things topically where we just kind of say, okay, what does the Proverbs have to say about this subject? Because they're all over the place. So usually when we work through a book, we're working through verse by verse, line by line. If you did that in the Proverbs, you'd be all over the place. And so we're trying to collect some wisdom together to look at it.

It's also a very practical book. Rather than just dealing with the theology of who God is and what he's done or kind of telling us history of God in the world, it's saying in general, this is how God has designed the world to work. It's dealing with what is most likely to happen. There are always exceptions to the rule, but the book of Proverbs is giving the general rules in a lot of ways. It's saying this is kind of how life is meant to work. And most often, this is how it will play out.

And therefore, it's a very practical book. It says in light of who God is, here's what we do. So this morning, we're going to talk about parenting. We're going to see what the book of Proverbs has to say about parenting. Now, even as we begin that, I need to address some different people in the room. Some of you are parents.

You're parents of children of all different ages. We have parents who have adult children that have moved out. And as we talk through this, there may be some areas where you feel pride or shame. And I would encourage you to continue to believe the gospel, which is that your shame is real. Your pride is real. And both of them are to be taken to the cross.

And so that we would walk away from our pride and trust the Lord. And we would walk away from shame and guilt that we feel and trust the Lord. Some of you don't have children. You might be tempted to check out. But as we see this, as we walk through this, we're actually going to see that looking at parenting gives us a good understanding of how God treats us.

And how God interacts with those who belong to him. And so it's helpful for all of us. Some of you are parents. And so I would encourage you to listen and to listen well and to humble yourselves to try to hear what the Proverbs have to say. And all of us may be tempted to go, I'm so glad these other people are here. So that they can learn about how to raise their children.

And just so you know, that will be a temptation throughout the book of Proverbs for you to go, good. Look around the room. Are we talking about women? Okay, yeah, here we go. Good. Like, that's bad for your soul.

That's what Pharisees do. Pharisees hear the word of God and think about how it applies to other people rather than how it applies to them. And so I would encourage you to fight that. But we're going to look at parenting today from the Proverbs. We're going to spend most of our time in chapter 3, but we will jump around and we'll put those on the screen. I remember my first son was born six years ago.

You go to the hospital. You have the baby. I mean, I don't. But I was there. Still traumatizing experience for me. Then they just give you the baby and send you home like you're ready to take care of this thing.

There's no real instructions other than don't shake it. And that's it. They make you watch a video, sign a certificate, and they just send you home. And it's stressful. I remember going to the grocery store and just feeling overwhelmed that we had to take this thing and keep it safe and help it grow. And I just was in the grocery store and I just remember walking around and being like, I don't know if I can handle this.

And then I just began to look at the people around me and I thought, well, they all used to be babies. And they made it. I looked at one guy and I was like, I bet his parents were idiots. Wasn't really based off of what he looked like, but I was really tired. I was just making myself feel better. But the truth is, children grow up.

And that's part of what the Proverbs wants us to see. That you are training and equipping and helping them grow into something. And whether you're doing this intentionally or unintentionally, you're doing this. You're training, equipping them, turning them into something. And so the Proverbs is going to help us know how to go about this. What we're supposed to train them into.

What we're supposed to pull them into. And then some basic practical tips on as we do this. Some tools to help us do it. So let's pray and then we'll look at this together. God, we thank you that your word gives us wisdom here. There are a lot of competing bits of wisdom when it comes to how to raise children.

From what we read to what people have told us. To what we see other families doing. To what our moms and dads and grandparents tell us that we ought to do. Or that they did with us. And we just pray, Lord, as we study the word. That we would grow in practical wisdom on how to parent.

And that we would grow in a gracious understanding of how you treat us. Through Christ. Through Christ. In love. As you father us. And so we thank you and we praise you in Jesus' name.

Amen. Proverbs 3 says, My son, do not forget my teaching. But let your heart keep my commandments. For length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. So we're kind of looking sideways at this.

There are going to be some direct commands to parents. But right now we're just looking at a parent addressing a son and saying, Don't forget my teaching. Let your heart keep my commandments. And there's a basic assumption here that I think we need to address. The Proverbs believe that children have parents for a reason. I watched a bit of a nature documentary.

And there were these eggs that hatched and these lizards popped out. And they had like 10 seconds to orient themselves to the world before snakes were trying to eat them. That was it. 10 seconds. Hope you like the world. Put your big boy pants on.

Time to go. I told you this a second ago. But I have a child that we've had for 6 years. He's not even remotely close to ready. That lizard had 10 seconds. But the reason God gives children to parents on purpose.

Children need parents. They need teaching and commandment. They need training. There's this current philosophy that you have an inner child. That you were born pure and good. And that the world messed you up.

Your parents messed you up. Society messed you up. People imposed things on you. And so that the role of parents now is to protect the child. But then to stay out of the child's way.

To help the child find themselves. And blossom into whatever they're going to be. Well Proverbs tells us what they're going to be. Fools. Proverbs 22 15 says. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.

But the rod of discipline drives it far from him. Proverbs 29 15 says. The rod and reproof. To a form of corporal punishment. And we'll get to that later. And reproof.

Which is verbal correction. Give wisdom. But a child left to himself. Bring shame to his mother. That we are to train and equip. Proverbs 22 6 says.

Train up a child. In the way he should go. Even when he's old. He will not depart from it. That we're to train children. That we're to be taking them somewhere.

That we're to be equipping them. And moving them in a direction. That they need help to get there. And then it says this. We're to train them. We're to help develop them.

And send them out. That they need parents for a reason. And then it says that they may go. That part of the purpose behind parenting. Is that your children would go. And some of you have teenagers.

And you're like yes and amen. Go. My mom said the Lord made teenagers annoying on purpose. So that you'd be ready for them to leave. No need for amens on that. Just keep it to yourself.

But that part of what we're doing in parenting. Is equipping and training them to go. We're helping them grow. I went with my dad to his. He was in his garden. And he was showing me what he had planted.

And he said. This is lettuce. Those tomatoes. Those cucumbers. He didn't say. That's a little green thing.

That's a little. Some sort of leafy green thing. That's a leafy green thing. They were. There was no cucumbers or tomatoes there. There was going to be cucumbers and tomatoes there.

But he knew. What he was growing. And so some of us need to realize. I have. I have a three-year-old. And a six-year-old.

Little boys. I'm not raising little boys. I have little boys. I'm raising men. I'm helping equip and train them. To send them out into the world.

So there's a little chart that. I drew up. I hope this is helpful. This chart is not a joke. You have responsibility on this side. The blue line is the parent.

The red line is the child. And this is time. At the very beginning of life. The parent has all the responsibility. Or 90% of the responsibility. Like when they're first born.

The parent is solely responsible for the life of this child. I have a. I have a two and a half year old. Three year old. He every once in a while go. Ma.

Milk. Okay. He cannot go to the store and purchase milk. He cannot. Once we've done this. Get it out of the refrigerator.

If I got the thing out of the refrigerator. And handed it to him. He could not pour it into a cup. Most of the responsibility is on us. The one bit of responsibility we've given him. Is repeat after me.

May I please. Have some milk. Because ma. Milk. Isn't getting milk. But then.

We keep going. The child gets a little bit older. And you start. The child has more responsibility. More ability to make decisions. Maybe they still have a bedtime.

And maybe. They get to choose kind of their haircut. But it's inside of a range. They get to choose. Kind of how they're going to dress. But.

No young lady. You are not leaving the house in that outfit. She found a guard rail. There was something you'd put up. That was like. No.

We've reached the level. Where my responsibility comes back in. And no thank you. Go back upstairs. Like. But you're equipping.

And training them. So that when they become. When it's time to send them out. It keeps going. But by the time it's time to send them out.

They're ready. They have the responsibility. To handle going out. Now some of you. You've been in life. You've seen this.

You watched parents. Who gave way too much responsibility. To the child. Way too early. 10 and 11 year olds. Getting to make.

Too many decisions. And there's foolishness. In their heart. And so they're making. The decisions. That a 10 and 11 year old.

Would make. And we've also seen. Parents who. Held on to this. Way too long. So that they had someone.

That they had been. Completely responsible for. Until it was like. 17, 18. And they sent him out. Into the world.

And that person. Had never had. The ability to make. All these decisions. And it was. It was too much.

Another way to think about this. Is. You're always walking. The tension between. Safe and strong. Am I making my child safe.

Or am I making my child strong. You start off. Leaning real hard. On safe. But by the time.

You're sending them out. You need to have made them strong. And so this is. General. We're training them up. So that they might.

Go. It keeps going. He says. Verse 3. Let not steadfast love. And faithfulness.

Forsake you. Bind them around your neck. Write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor. And good success. In the sight of God.

And man. I love verse 4. So that you will find favor. And good success. In the sight of God. And man.

He started off with. Remember my teaching. And my commandment. Remember the coaching I gave you. The things that I taught you. About the world.

And remember the rules I gave you. The commandments I gave you. The structure we put around you. And then he gets to here and says. Or she does. We don't know.

It just says my son. So you will find favor. And good success. In the sight of God and man. Oh I hope that's true. For how I raise my sons.

I hope I can look at them. And say hey. If you follow what I told you. If you listen to me. And the rules. And the commands I gave you.

And the wisdom I gave you. You'll find favor. And good success. In the sight of God. And man. That the purpose behind parenting.

As we train and equip them. Is for their good. Parents this is important. It's not for your good. It's not for what's easiest right now. That often is in direct contradiction.

To what is good for the child. It's not for what I most like. So whether or not they're embarrassing me. Or getting on my nerves. It's what is good for them. That if they follow this.

They'll have favor with God. And man. Let's look. At the favor with God part. The favor with man part first. The favor with God comes first.

We're going to spend a little more time on it. But we're going to do the favor with man first. There's this idea. That you would go and have favor with man. Part of the reason you're raising your children. Is you want them to be able to go keep a job.

Have relationships. Communicate clearly to people. Have boundaries. Be able to have real friendships. That can last through something. Learn how to argue.

Learn how to control their anger. You want them to have favor. And good success with humanity. This does not mean. That they would base their whole life off. Of whether or not people like them.

You're not teaching them. That the approval of people around them. Is what they set their hope on. But you are teaching them. To live around other humans. That's part of what we're supposed to do.

There's a clinical psychiatrist. We're going to read two quotes from him today. His name is Jordan Peterson. And he's just approaching this. Very practical. His philosophy behind parenting.

Is you help them fit into society. And I think this quote is helpful. He says this. He says. You shouldn't have a ton of rules for your children. But here are some suggestions on things you should teach them.

Do not bite. Kick. Or hit. Except in self-defense. Do not torture and bully other children. So you don't end up in jail.

Eat in a civilized and thankful manner. So that people are happy to have you at their house. And pleased to feed you. Learn to share. So other kids will play with you.

Pay attention when spoken to by adults. So that they don't hate you. And might therefore deign to teach you something. Go to sleep properly and peaceably. So that your parents can have a private life.

And not resent your existence. Take care of your belongings. Because you need to learn how. And because you're lucky to have them. Be good company when something fun is happening. So you're invited for the fun.

Act or behave. So that other people are happy you're around. So that people will want you around. He says a child who knows these rules. Will be welcome everywhere. Now the responsibility of that.

Is on the parent. Not the child. And part of the way you're gracious to your child. Is that you train them. So that the rest of the world smiles at them.

And enjoys them. Because it's not a child's fault. If everybody in their life looks at them like this. Because they hadn't been taught. You want to send them out into the world. Where you've equipped them.

To be able to fit in. Now that's not the sole goal. But that's a helpful thought. That you would help move them. Into a world where they can have favor with God. And man as they get older.

This is learning how to keep a job. Learning how to work. Learning how to labor. Learning how to keep your mouth shut. Learning when to speak. When not to speak.

Learning not to domineer a conversation. You're helping train and equip them. Which takes constant teaching. And correction. It takes commandments and wisdom. Which means you need to know wisdom.

As parents we need to grow. So that what we're teaching our children. Makes sense and is helpful. Is biblical and godly. He says this. He says that you'd have favor with God.

And man. He keeps going. He says trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him. And he will make your.

Make straight your path. This idea that you would have favor with God. That you would know God. That you would enjoy God. That he would bless and work in your life. And he says trust in him.

With all your heart. See as parents. You need to know the Lord. So that this just pours out of you. So that you can say with credibility.

Trust in the Lord. Lean not on your own understanding. Because they've seen this. Enacted and lived out. That's what Deuteronomy 6 gets at. Where it says that.

When you rise in the morning. When you sit down to eat. When you walk in the way. When you go to bed. That you would teach your children. About the Lord.

That it would be the normal part of life. That it wouldn't be set aside. For a certain part of the day. Yes you can have intentional time. Where you set aside. We're going to read a Bible story.

We're going to talk. We're going to pray together. But that you would so know the Lord. That this pours out of you. As you walk in life with them. That you would train them.

To trust in the Lord. With all their heart. That they might grow to love the Lord. And isn't this what you would want. As a Christian parent. That you would walk with your children.

And help easily transition them. Into walking with the Lord. That that would be the hope. Now again. This doesn't always work out. The way we want it.

That train of the child. And the way they should go. And when they're old. They won't depart from it. As a general rule. It's something to be aimed at.

But it doesn't necessarily work out that way. We also get in the Proverbs. That fools don't listen to their parents. So the parent was saying stuff. The father was giving instruction. But they wouldn't hear it.

But this is the hope. It says. Be not wise in your own eyes. Fear the Lord. And turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh.

And refreshment to your bones. Do you model that for your children? That you're not wise in your own eyes. That you fear the Lord. And that you turn away from evil. That you turn away from sin.

That you repent in your sin. And that you help walk them towards the Lord. Jump down to verse 11. It says. My son. Do not despise the Lord's discipline.

Or be weary of his reproof. For the Lord reproves him whom he loves. As the father, the son, in whom he delights. There's this picture of the way God treats us. And the way parents are to treat their children. I don't know if you know this.

But parents. You work as a functional stand in for God. Your children cannot understand the concept of God. When they are young. They are growing. You are trying to teach them.

But you are functionally standing in that place. So that they can understand this. And if you have grown older. And you have begun to follow the Lord. You know this. Because some of you had very distant.

Cold. Aggressive fathers. Distant. Cold. Aggressive mothers. And it was hard to pray to the Lord.

It was hard to understand how he would react to you in your sin. Some of you had overly encouraging parents. And it was hard to see how God could be strict against sin. When you had been taught that freedom was the primary goal of life. And we had to grow in this. But the hope as parents is that we would walk with the Lord.

And walk with our children. That we would hold their hand until it was time to hand their hand to Jesus. And then we'd be able to say like this one says. Go. And if you follow the Lord this will be good. But it says the Lord reproves those whom he loves.

The way a father does a son he delights in. God's correction of you. Don't miss this. God's correction and conviction of you is because he loves you. Thank God he loves you enough. To not let you feel okay with your sin.

To press you on it. To tell you to repent. And to when you won't repent. Get you caught. Because he loves and pursues delight. So he says don't despise the Lord's discipline.

Or be weary of his reproof. And those are two tools. This idea of correction and guidance. That parents have an idea of where they're taking their children. And that we're walking with them in correction and guidance. And so I want to see.

That's our goal. To have children that grow up. Love the Lord. And exist in the world well. That's a good basic goal. That they have favor and good success with God and man.

That you're taking them to that place. Where they're ready to do that. And the way that you get there. Is discipline and reproof. Correction. Teaching.

Commandment. Discipline does not just mean the negative side of it. It does not just mean. A switch. It also means the general guardrails. And the general structure of life.

That helps pull somebody in the right direction. So we're going to spend the next little bit of our time. If that's the goal. We're going to look at some of the tools. And some of the ways that this is supposed to work. So godly discipline has direction.

We've been talking about this. But that's a general rule that you need to understand. If you're going to raise children with godly discipline. You have direction. You have something you're working them towards. And you have things you're working them away from.

And in some ways. There's a map towards good relationship to the Lord. Good relationship in the world. Able to exist and function in the world. And you're trying to cut off certain avenues. To help get them that way.

It's intentional for their good. This is what God's doing. Where he corrects us and pulls us towards good. And so you need to have a general idea. If you have daughters. Of what a godly woman looks like.

A general picture in your mind. Of what life should look like for them. What they need to be prepared for in the world. How they need to act. And you need to gain a lot of this from scripture. And you can gain this from wisdom from people around you.

But then you help. This is where I'm trying to take you. If you have sons. What do godly men look like? What do they need to be prepared to do? And to handle?

Where are we going? And you can do short term ones. One of the basic. Very basic beginning steps here. Is that good behavior gets good results. And bad behavior gets bad results.

That's how life works. But that's a really good simple rule. For your understanding of how to interact with your children. Especially small children. But on up.

Good behavior gets good results. Bad behavior gets bad results. I want my family to be able to go eat in restaurants. Which means. The first three to five times. You take a child to a restaurant.

It is no fun at all. Not fun for anybody. But we're going to get to where we can go eat in a restaurant. So let me give you an example. Good behavior gets good results. Bad behavior gets bad results.

You have a child that's functioning like a terrorist. In a high chair. It's really what they're doing. They're going to see who's going to win. And just so you all know. And this just gives you encouragement.

Parents with young children. 30 minutes to you. Is like a week and a half to a toddler. You can win. They're going to give out eventually. And they may just fall asleep.

But you can win this. But if you have a child that's in a high chair. And they're throwing a fit. And they're screaming and hollering or whatever. And you're getting embarrassed. Because you brought a child here to now.

Not only terrorize your family. But everybody who's in this restaurant. Which I would encourage you to start out at McDonald's. Because you're getting what you pay for at McDonald's. Go to McDonald's. Go to Taco Bell.

Teach a kid how to sit in a high chair. Don't go to, you know. Downtown to like Ruth's Chris or something. If I take the child out of the high chair. And outside while they're screaming. And then set them down.

And let them run around in the grass. That is a reward. I just taught the child. If you're in a high chair. And you don't want to be. Scream.

And you'll get a reward. So if I pick a child up. And we're going outside. That's going to be unpleasant for that child. I want them to learn. The high chair is better.

And I talk to them. And explain that we're going back in there. They're going to sit back down. They're going to calm themselves down. And we're going to enjoy our meal. And yes.

You talk to children that can't talk. They understand way more of what's going on. Before they're able to articulate things. So you explain to them. You go back in. You set them back in the chair.

And I do this over and over again. Until finally they learn. There's never a time where I go out there. And it gets delightful. And so that's a sample. But you do this.

You have a picture of where you're going. I can remember being young. I was like 11 or something. And I think it was a roller coaster. I know I was freaking out about something. I didn't want to do.

And I had gotten scared. And I was just like. I can't. I don't know. I can't. I can't do this.

And my dad. He didn't grab me and say. Roller coasters are fun. You need to be able to learn how to ride a roller coaster. He didn't look at me and say. This is fine.

If you're scared. You can stop. Now I'm sure some parents have done that. And I'm not saying this is wrong. I'm saying my dad had a picture in his head. Of where he was taking me.

And he did this my entire life. He grabbed me and looked at me. And said. Let me explain something to you. Are you scared? Yes.

Okay. Well you have to learn how to control yourself. In the midst of your fear. Because one day. You're going to have a family. And you're going to have children.

You're going to wake up in the middle of the night. And your house is going to be on fire. And you're going to be scared. Now are you going to freak out. And say I can't handle this. Or are you going to go save your children?

I rode that roller coaster. I rode that roller coaster. To save my future unborn children. Now am I a hero? Maybe. He did this in all earnestness.

He was not trying to manipulate me. He had in his picture of a place that he was taking me. And he did this all the time with us. He had in his head. I want you to be able to control your fear. And be able to move and act.

He wanted me to grow up. And I've learned at some point. If I follow this man and keep doing what he's doing. If I listen to him and obey. Eventually I'll be able to hold down a job. I'll be able to fight a dog.

I'll be able to handle. Like he's going to train me. Be able to pick up a snake. Whatever. Like he's going to coach me up on things to do in life. Do you need a picture in your head?

And you need to help your children get there. So godly discipline has direction. Godly discipline is loving. Godly discipline is loving. That you do this because you love your children. Proverbs 13 24 says.

Whoever spares the rod hates his son. But he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. Now culturally this feels backwards to us. So we've got to take just a second to talk this out. Whoever spares the rod hates his son. But whoever loves him is diligent to discipline him.

And that word rod means rod. But there's a caveat. I'm going to explain in a second. But it does mean rod. Proverbs 26 3 says. A whip for the horse.

A bridle for the donkey. And a rod for the back of fools. They came to people. They didn't do as much with jails. You did something. They hit you with a stick.

It says that it helps. The Proverbs tells us this is good for people. It also functions in the way that the New Testament talks about the government has the sword. This is a helpful thing to understand. The government has the sword. Which means the government has the military.

The government has the ability to enforce the regulations that it gives us. It does not mean that the government always uses the sword. Yeah I was late on my taxes. So the IRS stabbed me. That's not how it works. But I know that if I keep pressing I can get to the sword.

And so when it talks about that parenting has the rod. It means this rod of discipline is up to and including a rod. Whatever is necessary until you get there. Some of you have very well mannered calm children. A stern look works. Snapping your finger works.

They sit right back down. They didn't want to disappoint you. I have two sons. One of them. A little bit of aggression towards him. Just like sit down.

It works. My older son growled at me on a regular basis. It didn't work. He's like oh you're going to snap your finger? Fine. I can throw a train.

Now what? So it means do what works. Now there's this tendency to say well we've seen studies. Studies show that this is harmful. Studies show that if parents spank their children it makes them aggressive. I spent some time researching this.

If this is a thing that you want to talk about I'd love to talk with you more about it. I can't give it a ton of time. I will tell you this. There is disagreement about that. Both in how the studies were handled. And in general whether or not this is helpful.

Amongst professionals. There's a lot of articles that go back and forth. And if you get on like the American Association of Psychology. Psychology there's a bunch of information going back and forth about how this should be handled. Some of the things is that there's a correlation versus causation when they do these studies. So correlation versus causation.

Causation means you do this therefore this happens. Correlation means we see these two things held together. So if you said there's a link between sadness and alcohol abuse. That does not tell us whether or not alcohol abuse makes you sad. Or being sad makes you abuse alcohol. Like I just said I have two sons.

I've done my own study. There is a link between aggression and being spanked. There just there is in my house. It's not necessarily that spanking made one aggressive. It just is. It doesn't necessarily prove that.

Now it could. But there's some. The studies are still out on this. There's also a thing about magnitude. Which is how big of a deal. I read an article that said that studies show that corporal punishment increases the rate of when children grow up in mental disorders and abuse of different substances.

And so I clicked on the links and went all the way through. And the study when it said corporal punishment included it was children who had on a regular basis had been slapped, pinched, pushed, jerked, shaken, spanked. And it was like that's a huge category. That's a whole different thing than just what the Proverbs is talking about here. If you think for one second after reading the book of Proverbs which calls us to be thoughtful. Be measured.

Be wise. Be calm. Control your anger. Keep your mouth shut when you're upset. Think things through. If you think for a second that it all of a sudden went oh wait wait wait wait wait.

Not when you're parenting. Get a stick and go to town. Shout, shake, slap, pinch. Whatever you got to do. Beat the snot out of those children. You've missed probably.

It's not saying that. It is saying reasoned, measured, gracious discipline for the sake of joy and life and hope for them. I want to read a quote quickly from Jordan Peterson about this. When he talks about magnitude he says, What about the idea, he's a clinical psychiatrist, that hitting a child merely teaches them to hit? First, no, wrong. Too simple.

For starters, hitting is a very unsophisticated word to describe the disciplinary act of an effective parent. If hitting accurately described the entire range of physical force, then there would be no difference between rain droplets and atom bombs. Magnitude matters. So does context. If we're not being willfully blind and naive about the issue. How hard someone is hit, why they are hit, cannot merely be ignored when speaking of hitting.

Timing, which is part of context, is also of crucial importance. If you flick your two-year-old with your finger just after he smacks the baby on the head with a wooden block, he will get the connection and be at least somewhat less willing to smack her again in the future. That seems like a good outcome. He certainly won't conclude that he should hit her more using the flick of his mother's finger as an example. He's not stupid. He's just jealous, impulsive, and not very sophisticated.

And how else are you going to protect his younger sibling? If you discipline ineffectively, the baby will suffer, maybe for years. I'm not saying every child needs to get spanked. I'm not saying every child needs to get spanked every time. I think there are spankable offenses and non-spankable offenses. And I think the way you go about it needs to be calm and reasoned and in the envelope of love because that's the point.

And so if you'll go with me for a second that it's not necessarily harmful, the next question is how is it loving? The reason it's loving is that there are real-world consequences for sin and foolishness. And they are often delayed, especially for children. Real-world consequences for sin and foolishness often delayed, especially for children. There are times when some amount of physical force now is helpful to prevent what was going to happen. We were hanging out with my group.

My son, who was two at the time, started running headlong towards a fire pit. I was too far away to help. Another lady jumped up, knocked him to the ground. Under normal circumstances, if my son had just been playing and she had jumped up and knocked my son to the ground, seems inappropriate. Under these circumstances, I was like, good looking out, thanks. She could have gone Cobra Kai on him and swept the leg.

I'd have been fine with it. He was headed towards something worse. And this is what parenting is. It's bringing in consequences to help train and equip because the future gets worse. If you have a child, it starts young. It goes on.

But most of my examples are young because I only have a six-year-old. We'll talk again in a minute about some older kids. But if you have a child who wants a cookie, they start by pouting. We don't want to encourage that behavior. So if a dog bites you and then you give it a treat, you teach it to bite you.

So it's pouting, so it's not going to get a cookie. Tries whining. We're correcting that as well. Suddenly just decides, let's try domineering. Let's see how this works.

So my son would just yell, Give me a cookie. Pause. He's a child. He's trying all the things that he can try to get what he wants. It's not unreasonable. But I can see the future.

I know what happens. Long term, short term, what's going to happen if this works? Short term, he doesn't get to go to the zoo. And that's not a natural consequence. That's not a punishment. What I'm saying is there will be a day when his mom has some time off and thinks maybe we should go to the zoo.

And then she will consider the behavior of her child. And she will think, getting him in a car seat, getting him into the zoo, getting him to come to me when I call, getting him to sit still, getting him to not throw a fit when he sees ice cream, getting him to leave when it's time to leave, getting him back in the car seat. No, thank you. And she might grow to resent him or have to fight the fact that she's resenting him. It's not his fault. It's our fault.

It's not just that. When he's 10, if we keep this going, his granddaddy won't want to take him fishing. Same reasons. It's not just that. He'll have a harder time in school. He'll have a harder time with friends.

When he grows up, he might become a really nice domineering husband if he was able to domineer his mom his entire life. Now, I can see that he can't. There might be a time where he grows to need to hear the discipline of the Lord, but he can't. He won't. He rejects it. He does not learn to love discipline.

He has not seen how it would benefit him or grow fruit in his life. And so he cannot repent. He cannot follow the Lord well. He can't see that I can. And so what we do is we bring consequences closer that are smaller so that we never get to the ones that are further away and bigger. That's why it's loving.

So it says, 23, 13, do not withhold discipline from a child. If you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol. The purpose of parental discipline is not just for this life, but it is for helping them grow to hate sin, to love correction, to love discipline, to see it's good in their life so that they might one day follow and submit to the Lord in obedience. It is loving to do the hard work of keeping your children away from sin and difficulty. Godly discipline is loving.

Godly discipline requires diligence. That's what it says, that a father who loves his child is diligent to discipline him. Having children is a lot of work. That's why the Lord graciously made them very sleepy so that you can take a break. There's a lot of work and it takes consistency. And it takes consistency.

Parents of young children, it takes consistency in places where it matters. Where it doesn't matter so that it will be consistent where it does matter. Your life with your children should have guardrails, not booby traps. Some of us, you only put the booby trap out in public. But at home, they get to do whatever they want.

They get out in public and suddenly it matters because we're near roads or we're embarrassed because people are around. And all of a sudden, you're just like a pit of vipers attacking your child who's very surprised by this because it's never happened before. One of the reasons why my children have to... When I start off with little kids, I need come when I call you, sit, stay, roll over. The last one's a joke, but the first one are real. Close your mouth because there's going to come a time when I need all of those.

You're going to be running towards the road and I need you to know come when I call you. We're going to be out in public. Your mom is going to be trying to get you. I'm going to need you to know come when I call. I'm going to need you to know sit, stay. I'm going to need you to know how to do these things.

That it requires diligence though because when we're at the house and I'm sitting on the couch and I tell my son to come to me and he takes off running down the hall because he doesn't want to. Oh my goodness, it's so much easier. I kind of wanted him to leave anyway. Okay. But the rules have to be the same.

Next time you're in a grocery store and you see a mom counting down for her child, I can tell you on second two or three whether or not there's going to be anything that happens at five or whatever. One. Two. Kid doesn't even recognize this. You watch a mom count up to five. All right, I'm going to count again.

What does that do? You watch a kid when their mom says one and they go two, their little hands are like, ah, it's like, okay, something happens at three. That kid doesn't want to see it. I'm not sure I want to see it. It takes diligence. Parents with older children, this takes more work.

You have to be more creative. It works better if you start sooner, but it takes more work. You have to be more creative. You have a daughter who lies to you. She said she was going to be somewhere. She went somewhere else.

She's misusing how she's handling her cell phone. Well, you know that lying causes consequences. You know that sin causes consequences. You know that if we keep going down this path, things get worse. You've lived longer than they have. So now you've got to bring some consequences closer.

But you've got to do things that you're willing to follow through with. You will never own a cell phone again. It's probably not an appropriate, like, are you going to follow through with that? They'll know. But maybe you say, for the next week, you're not allowed out of my sight.

Your world's going to get a lot smaller because that's what happens if you lie. Where there's trust, your world's very big. Where there's a lack of trust, your world's very small. So if I'm in the bathroom or you're in the bathroom, you don't have to be in my sight. Otherwise, we're best friends. But you have to pick things you want to follow through with.

If you're a parent of little kids and they're acting up at a place, don't yell, we will never return to a park ever again. Is that true? If you don't want to leave the park, don't say, I'll get you in the car right now. Only do that one if you want to leave. Otherwise, sit on your hands next to that tree. Watch other kids have fun.

Learn that if you control how you act, you get to have fun too. All right. Godly discipline requires diligence. You have to work really hard at it constantly. They have to be the same all the time. It can't be based off of whether or not you're tired, whether or not you've had a bad day, whether or not you're frustrated, whether or not they've pushed you to the limit.

And the truth is consistent discipline on the front end keeps you from being meaner to your children on the back end. You suddenly jump up and go, I'm sick of you. Oh, my goodness. No, for real. It's a four year old. And they're just doing whatever you're letting them do.

Don't let them get to where you're sick of them. Correct them on the front end so that it's enjoyable. That's the next point. Godly discipline fosters delight. Discipline your son and he will give you rest. He will give delight to your heart.

But part of the reason you do this is so that there will be joy. And some of you are disciplinarians. I lean that way. I don't know if you could tell. Some of you are disciplinarians. You've been eating this up.

You're like, yeah, say the rod again. Does your house have delight? Because there's a real temptation for you to be the type of boss. You ever had the boss that would just fuss at you when you were doing poorly and then leave you alone if you were doing fine? Do you like that boss? Do your children need to live in that household?

Be quiet. Sit down. And on days when they're being quiet and sitting down, cool. No, this is to foster delight. This is to foster joy. There's a consistent amount of times where I walk in my house.

I don't know where my boys are and kind of hear them down the hall and I go like this. I don't do that when I'm out here with them because it's weird, you guys. But I do it at the house. I chase them down. We wrestle. We roll on the floor.

We play games. I'm teaching them how to behave so that we can have more fun. You behave. You learn how to control yourself. We get to play more games. We get to do more things.

I help explain this to them the whole time. You don't just correct to the bad behavior, but you tell them what good behavior gets and you help model it. You help get them there. There are times where I have to spank my son and I explain to him, you're going to get spanked. Then I'm going to hug you because I love you.

And then we're going to go back out and play. The fun is going to start right back up. You couldn't do the behavior that you did, but we're going to get back out there. This isn't going to mess up our whole day. I'm not mad at you. We're going to move on.

There's got to be delight. That's what you're pursuing with your children, that they would be enjoyed. And that they would enjoy life with you. My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof. For the Lord reproves him whom he loves as a father, the son in whom he delights. God corrects us, convicts us, pursues us so that we might have love and delight.

Do not reject his discipline. And parents, do not reject this call for you to help your children live in this kind of life as well. Do not hate your children. Love them. Be diligent to discipline them and pursue delight with them so that they might understand how God works. And some of you had very bad fathers and some of you had very bad mothers.

And I want you to know this is God's approach to you. He is not mad at you, trying to crush you, trying to get you to keep you from being on his nerves. He's trying to invite you into delight. And we know this because of Christ. Christ came, the first words out of his mouth were not, I love you. They were repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

He comes to us and corrects us in our sin and then goes to the cross to pay for our sin and to invite us into joy and delight and love for all of eternity. Oh, praise God that he stands in the way of us in hell. Praise God that he corrects us in our sin. There's a, in the Pinocchio, the little kid's cartoon, I don't know about the real one, but the, all the kids go to a little, like a park and they get to do everything they've ever wanted to. And then they turn into donkeys. Wink, wink, donkeys.

And Pinocchio is teaching us something. That the people who are leading them that way do not love them. God keeps you from going to the park. God pops your hand. God pulls you back. God corrects you.

God puts you on restriction. God puts up boundaries. Why? Because he loves you. And he wants to delight for you. And he wants to delight with you.

And by his grace, we will parent the same way. The band's going to come back up. We're going to sing and we're going to praise this God who corrects us in our sin because he loves us. We're going to sing and we're going to praise this God who loved us so much and pursued our delight so much that he was willing to die that we might have it rather than what we wanted. We're going to praise God in Christ because he is the one who redeems and loves and pursues. And by God's grace, we're going to grow as parents to love our children with the discipline and the diligence and the grace and the teaching that it takes and the effort that it takes to train them well to be able to live in the world God created and to enjoy him.

Let's pray. God, we thank you for your grace. We ask you for your help. We thank you that you correct us in our sin and may we not hate it, but may we love it so that we might have love and delight and joy with you. Help us to grow as parents, to walk in grace where we fail, and to put forth effort to train and equip our children well. In Jesus' name, amen.

Would you guys sing and sing with us? Amen.